Friday, April 18, 2008


BBB: Today here at Das Blog, we are continuing the tax coverage with our guests Senator Hugh R. Krupt (R) and Senator Judas “Pork” Beryl (D). I see you boys have already helped yourselves to the complimentary booze, so shall we get started?

Senators, last year the average American citizen spent more on taxes than on food, housing, and clothing combined. In fact, if one had to pay all his or her taxes in one lump sum, that person would be working from January 1st to May 1st just to satisfy the demands of government taxation. Don’t you think that’s a bit much? Even God Himself only asks for 10%.

Beryl: How dare you mention god?!?!? Haven’t you heard of the “wall of separation” between church and state?

BBB: Well, actually that does not appear in the First Amendment or anywhere else in the Constitution, but we must say well done on the perpetuation of a “Big Lie”. But our focus here today is on excessive taxes and run-away government spending.

Krupt: Hey, we NEED government programs to run the country. You drive on public roads and bridges, don’t you? How can we pay for that without taxing your income?

BBB: Um, it comes out of the fuel tax. Where I live, roughly fifty cents per gallon goes to state and local government.

Beryl: What about schools then, hunh? How can we educate our children? It’s for the children! You aren’t against the children are you your heartless bastard?!? We NEED public schools.”

BBB: That comes out of my property taxes. And there’s nothing in the Constitution about the federal government forming a huge and bloated Department of Education, to force its mandates and indoctrination on local schools. Our public school graduates’ test scores are the lowest of all industrialized western nations. Many high school graduates are functionally illiterate.

Beryl: It’s not about education, per se. The concept of the “3 R’s” is as outmoded as this constitution thing you keep harping on. Our children need to feel good about themselves, and that can’t happen with this silly “grades” and “scores” and “pass-or-fail” type of thinking. And it’s important to properly indoctrinate young minds not to think for themselves; that’s best left up to us, their masters, in Washington D.C.

BBB: Oh brother, I think I’ll help myself to the complimentary booze.

Krupt: GLUG, GLUG, GLUG. Too late. OK, Mr. Smarty Pants. You’re a conservative. We need taxes to keep this country safe; we need a huge military and numerous intelligence agencies to protect us from terror.

BBB: There’s a difference between Conservatives and neo-conservatives which, as Edward Abbey once pointed out, are neither new nor conservative, but old as Babylon and evil as Hell.

Krupt: Conservatism is what WE say it is. Don’t you want Homeland Security?

BBB: We’re all for securing the homeland. Why don’t we start with the borders?

Beryl: Racist! Bigot! Latino-phobe!

BBB: Heavy sigh. I see you two have both, at least for the duration of your re-election campaigns, espoused to have “common sense” tax reforms. Why don’t the two of you tell us about these, um, “common sense” tax plans.

Beryl: It’s quite simple actually. You make it, we take it.

Krupt: That’s just awful, Beryl. We do things different here at the Elephant Party. We pretend to be fiscally conservative and in favor of smaller government when we’re running for office. After we get elected, THEN the plan is: You make it, we take it.

BBB: So you’re saying lying about it somehow makes it better.

Krupt: You say potato…

Beryl: You want something that benefits you directly…

BBB: No, I’d actually rather just have you leave me the hell alone.

Beryl: Shut-up. Everybody wants benefits. So anyway, what about publicly-funded art? Without that, you would not be able to broaden your horizons with such artistic masterpieces as a picture of the Madonna smeared with human feces.

BBB: If the art is so, excuse the pun, shitty that no one in their right mind will pay to see it or buy it, it can’t be very good in the first place. Besides, I’m quite happy with Normal Rockwell, Merle Haggard, and sporting goods calendars with hunting dogs on them.

Krupt: (SNEERING) Fly-over Country cretin. Hillbilly. To think you’re allowed the same vote as we are! We’re working on that, though. Well, Mr. I-Don’t-Need-The-Federal-Government, what about the War On Drugs? Hunh? We’re saving you from that.

BBB: We’ve spent how many billions on that and have accomplished what, other than the destruction of private property rights?

Beryl: We also have the War on Poverty. We’re helping people. It’s for the children. You can’t argue about that.

BBB: Yes I can. You’ve been waging that war for close to four decades now and have nothing to show for it. In fact, when it comes to welfare, the Federal bureaucracy eats ninety cents on the dollar, leaving a dime going to the supposed “needy” recipients. Besides, no matter what the problem is, drugs or poverty or whatever, once a huge, bloated bureaucracy is formed it only “manages” the problem for eternity, since to actually solve it would mean lots of bureaucrats would lose their cushy phoney-baloney jobs.


Beryl: (SNORT) I suppose you think you should just keep your own money to spend on what you need?!?

BBB: Sounds good to me.

Krupt: Blasphemer! Only we know how to spend your money wisely!

BBB: Then why are we over $9 Trillion in debt, and sinking further as we speak? If it’s “for the children”, why are we mortgaging their very souls?


Krupt: How dare you question us?!?! We are SENATORS!

BBB: Last time I checked, there was still a First Amendment to the Constitution.

Krupt: We’re working on that too.

Beryl: What’s with all this “constitution” crap anyway? What does that have to do with governing the country? Besides, isn’t talking about it “domestic terrorist” stuff?

Krupt: Yeah. Perhaps a cell in Gitmo will make him a little more respectful towards his betters. You wanna call the Obergruppenfuhrer, or should I?

BBB: Well, it’s about time to wrap this up. I need to retire to the bunker and load some additional spare rifle magazines. Lots of ‘em. Griz here will see you “gentlemen” out.

Griz: Growl! Bark! Bark! Snarl! Bite! Snap! Tear!

Krupt/Beryl: IIIIIEEEE! RUN!!!

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