Not sure what to get for the usurping tyrant on your holiday gift list? Don’t worry! The Bush Administration has it covered with the new EZ-Bake Dictatorship.
When he issued “The National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive” (NSPD 51/HSPD-20) in May 4, 2007, President Bush made creating your own dictatorship as easy as 1-2-3!
Step 1. Mix
Remember all that silly stuff they taught you in civics class about the legislative, executive and legislative branches of government creating “checks and balances” against each other to keep any one branch from getting out of control? NSPD-51/HSPD-20 states that in the event of a "catastrophic emergency" a president can get rid of all that confusing stuff and create his own "Enduring Constitutional Government" coordinated by himself. Pretty cool, huh? It doesn’t state who has the power to declare the emergency over, and without those pesky legislative and judicial branches around, why would any president want to end the party?
And that’s just the un-classified part of the directive! Who knows what other goodies await in the parts you aren’t allowed to see. They’ll be there for a long time, just waiting for some audacious future president with the nerve to open this neatly wrapped gift.
Step 2. Apply Heat
NSPD-51/HSPD-20 defines a “catastrophic emergency” as "any incident, regardless of location, that results in extraordinary levels of mass casualties, damage, or disruption severely affecting the U.S. population, infrastructure, environment, economy, or government functions." Since any designing president who has the chutzpah to open his EZ-Bake Dictatorship will already be sitting on the world’s second largest stockpile of nuclear weapons, creating such carnage would be a snap!
If one of those warheads should “accidentally” fall into the wrong hands (preferably a political or religious group that has opposed the president) and be detonated in a major U.S. city, that should do the trick.
If inflicting megadeath upon your own people isn't really your style (Pussy!), try global warming. It's already being billed as a "catastrophic emergency" by world leaders and the media. The case has already been made that it is an "incident [...] severely affecting the U.S. population, infrastructure, environment, economy, or government functions[,]" just as NSPD-51/HSPD-20 stipulates. Close enough for government work, he-he-he!
Step 3. Enjoy!
Enjoy your dictatorship! Since not everyone might agree with your glorious new vision for the country, however, the Bush administration offers some cool accessories for your EZ-Bake Dictatorship.
The Pentagon already has work afoot to have 20,000 specially trained troops inside the U.S. by 2011 who will be tasked with helping out during a “catastrophic emergency.” They could be handy for disarming and controlling political enemies. While a 1994 survey of military personnel found that 26% “would fire upon U.S. citizens who refuse or resist confiscation of firearms banned by the U.S. government,” that number would surely go up during the “rally around the flagpole” period after a major terrorist attack, especially if dissenting citizens could be implicated in the attack.
With the Bush Administration’s EZ-Bake Dictatorship, tyranny has never been so easy!
From the people who brought you: The Socialist Takeover of the Free Market, The Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina Relief, The Capture of Bin Laden, The Bridge to Nowhere and many more fine products.
2 comments:
Just what makes anyone think that booosh is actually going to relinquish power when the "time" comes? The timing and the way things are looking these days, NOTHING would surprise me.
We'll see.
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