Fourth Stimulus Package Needed

WASHINGTON D.C.- As talk in Congress turns toward a third "stimulus package" to assist President Bush's $152 billion stimulus and Obama's $787 billion stimulus, which have both failed to spur the economy as promised, a few forward-thinking Democrat Representatives are already thinking beyond even the third installment.

Although Obama stated that, if Congress passed his $787 billion stimulus package unemployment would not go over 8%, it already currently stands at 9.5%. According to Gateway Pundit, the U.S. has lost about 16,000 jobs per day since Congress passed this "job-creating" stimulus, and Obama will quadruple the U.S. budget deficit in his first year in office. Vice President Biden has stated that the failure of the stimulus is due to the fact that they "misread" how bad the economy truly was.

Valiantly unwilling to admit defeat, many backers of Keynesian economics are calling for another round of "stimulus," hopefully big enough to get the job done this time. Looking beyond that, some Congressional Democrats are calling for a fourth wave of spending increases to help stimulate the economy when this proposed third stimulus package fails to do so.

Although work on a third stimulus package has not yet formally begun, Representative Ilene Toodaleft (D-California) has already introduced the "Economic Recovery Through Spending Money Like Whores In A Crack House Act of 2010," more commonly referred to as "Stimulus Package #4." She and the co-sponsors of the bill recently held a press conference to unveil their plan.

"Given the repeated failures of government stimulus spending to improve economic conditions, we Democrats need to be prepared to help American working families when we cause those conditions to worsen," said Rep. Toodaleft.

Perhaps Toodaleft refers to spending by President Hoover, who increased federal spending by 47%, while increasing taxes, helping to push the U.S. into the Great Depression. Or President Franklin Roosevelt who increased spending by 106% from 1933 to 1940, while increasing taxes, thereby retaining high unemployment and economic stagnation until World War Two. Or even President Bush who was the biggest spending president since LBJ, ending his administration in a deep recession.

Toodaleft continued, "Since we've 'misread' economic conditions in the past, it stands to reason that we will do so again with a third stimulus plan. Therefore, it is only prudent to have a forth stimulus plan ready to go. Although, odds are, we'll misread something with that one too. In fact, we probably have no idea what the hell we're doing... ever."

Toodaleft's stimulus package would cost an estimated one gogajillion dollars, a number so large it was only recently discovered by scientists using semi-sentient super-computers. The stimulus would include a bajillion dollar "bailout" for America's ailing accordion-repair industry, as well as funds for grief counseling for left-handed pole vaulters and a small provision that would nationalize all industry and private property. The bill would be paid for by borrowing, raising taxes and a novel plan wherein millions of new federal employees would scour the 193 million acres of U.S. National Forest lands collecting leaves that would then be crudely stamped with dollar signs and used as currency.

Calling the Democrat plan "wasteful and irresponsible," House Republicans have offered their own counterproposal which they call "Stimulus Package #3.5." Their bill would only cost three-quarters of a gogajillion dollars and would include a bajillion dollars for a war against some yet-to-be-determined "country full of brown people." *

Vowing to "turn away from the failed policies of the past," President Obama promised to sign Toodaleft's legislation into law, should it reach his desk.

Ben and Bawb's Blog will endeavour to keep you up to date as these stimulus bills advance.

*Thanks George Carlin!