Iowans Gone Wild

For those of you that think that living in Iowa might be boring, here are two recent news stories that prove how wrong you are.

Big Bird On The Loose

The first story comes to us from the Vinton metropolitan-area, where an adult ostrich named "Big Bird" recently escaped from a farm and was on the loose. In the TV news segment they show the "missing ostrich" posters that the owners were putting up around the area. The posters featured two close-up photographs of the bird's face.

My question is: Are there so damned many ostriches running around Vinton Iowa that we need to study detailed facial characteristics to ensure we catch the right one? If you see an ostrich on the loose anywhere near Vinton, I'm betting it's the one!

The owners were also attempting to lure the animal back to their farm by putting out buckets of field corn, a rare delicacy amidst the nearly endless expanse of Iowa corn fields.

The story ended in tragedy, however. Early Friday morning "Big Bird" became entangled in concertina wire and was blown apart by Claymore mines and machine-gun fire when it wondered into an undisclosed wooded area and foolishly approached the Ben and Bawb's Blog Eastern command bunker.

The South Rises Again, In Iowa

The next story is really a crappy deal. According to Iowa City police, a man named Robert E. Lee (really!) entered a local CVS Pharmacy, dropped his drawers and defecated on the floor. Robert E. Lee finished his business and calmly walked out of the store. Take that, Yankees!

For you cynical people who immediately wondered what Robert E. Lee's blood alcohol content was, the answer is 0.24, or three times Iowa's legal limit to drive. The good General was charged with criminal mischief and public intoxication, simple misdemeanors.

The manager of the pharmacy said that it would cost less than $200 to clean up Lee's leavings. No kidding? Less than $200? Do they have to get a silver-plated shovel or what? I'd make Robert E. Lee's drunk ass clean it up.

So there you have it, Iowa IS cool after all!