SPLC: Domestic Terrorism Intelligence Report, Spring 2010, Ides of March Edition
SPLC (Socialist Propaganda Learning Center™ and Tea House) Spokesperson Eileen Left spoke at a heavily-attended open-bar press conference on Wednesday.
“Both of our highly-trained and experienced former telemarketer investigators here at the unbiased and non-partisan SPLA have documented a serious and threatening trend among Amerika’s white Nazi whacko evil bigoted homophobic kook hate-groups.
“Our exhaustive research, which includes Google, LexisNexis and Ask Jeeves, indicates that anywhere from three guys nicknamed Bubba to over 700 bazillion hate-mongers have formed thousands of vicious, militant terrorist groups under the false banner of ‘patriotism’. They may, or may not, be armed with military weaponry to include AK47s, Iowa-class battleships and atomic weaponry.
These cra-a-a-a-zy dangerous domestic terrorists disguise their true goals of mindless hatred and senseless killing under the banner of ‘freedom’, calling themselves by a variety of deceptive labels such as ‘Patriots’, ‘Tea Partiers’, ‘Libertarians’, ‘Ron Paul supporters’, ‘Christians’, ‘Old folks at the Coffee Shop’, ‘Gun Owners’ and ‘Larry’.”
Their insane conspiracy mantra includes the ridiculous charges that the Federal government is out of control, corrupt, incompetent, spending like drunken sailors and taking away their liberties. What a bunch of moonbats, hunh? If only we could advance the legislation to get anything they say banned as Hate Speech, this problem might go away. Another conspiracy theory common to these groups is that they are smart enough to spend their own income, rather than giving it all over to our enlightened, brilliant, unimpeachable government handlers for fair and equitable redistribution.
Since the Ascension of our Lord and Prophet Barack Hussein Obama just three short years ago, our exhaustive and completely unbiased studies and surveys show that the number of these obviously racist hate groups has increased by as much as 2397% (margin of error 2396 points).
Working hand in hand with Homeland Security Obergruppenfuehrer Janet Napolitano and Department of Justice Attorney General Eric ‘Guns from Gringos’ Holder and backed by a growing number of Wise Latina Women in the Supreme Court, the SPLC is gathering information on those who must be renounced and sent away as soon as the Re-education Camps have been built.
Fortunately, we have thus far been able to do our important and completely factual work through generous government grants disguised as private donations and George Soros. But with the rise of domestic terrorism on the scale we have seen, obviously we require more funding. Hint hint.
“And let me take a moment to thank the members of the press over there at the bar. Without your mindless and unquestioning verbatim regurgitation of our press releases, we would not enjoy the prestige and credibility that we do.
“Let me close with the thoughtful, inspiring, eloquent, limited syllable words of our enlightened and glorious Dear Leader, Barack Hussein Obama, ‘Hope and Change’. ‘Yes we can’. ‘USA…lick my scrotum.’”