Tuesday, September 18, 2012
BBB INTERVIEW WITH MONTANA SENATOR JON BOY TESTER
Testy: Howdy. Ya’ll like my cool interview studio? It looks like a barn, don’t it. Why I got me some of them cluckin’ birds and a big moo cow and some hay bales…
Testy: Whatever. And lookee here at this big farming machine.
BBB: It’s a combine.
Testy: I signed legislation for the government to take over the manufacturer to provide jobs for UAW members.
BBB: Well, that’s explains the large pool of oil and hydraulic fluid and assorted broken cheap cast parts underneath it. What’s with the Greek columns?
Testy: Oh. Those’re left-overs from some other guy’s interview.
BBB: Well, despite my rising nausea, let’s jump right in shall we?
Testy: Now where are my manners? Ya’ll want a nice big glass of Kool-Aid afore we start.
BBB: For God’s sake, stop trying to talk like a hillbilly. You sound worse than Hillary.
Testy: It’s good Kool-Aid. All the other reporters drink it.
BBB: Senator, you were elected six years ago on this whole Mr. Smith goes to Washington, I’m-a-rancher-with-a-crew cut persona. Seems like the same old story. You didn’t change Washington, Washington changed you.
Testy: I still have the same haircut.
BBB: OK, the way I read things, initially you actually did cast some votes representing the wishes of the people of Montana, including a vote against the first bail out package. Now that took guts to go against the establishment, and I honestly have to give you a great deal of credit for that.
Testy: Why yes I did. And I’s willin’ to stand on my record.
BBB: But the record says after you voted your conscience those first few times, the Big Dems came around to you…perhaps even with their assistants Vinnie and Vito…and explained why you should "play ball" and be a good Party Member rather than a representative of the people of Montana. Or else.
Testy: They had some really good Kool-Aid. Mmmmm.
BBB: So, the next time at bat you vote the Party Line on the Stimulus bill and voila, you are suddenly appointed to some important and prestigious senate committees.
Testy: Mere coincidence.
BBB: The people of Montana sure weren’t behind the whole Health Care sham. Why did you vote for that?
Testy: We had to pass it to see what was in it.
BBB: The fact that anyone from Montana knows Nancy Pelosi makes me sick.
Testy: Try some of this Kool-Aid. Really settles the stomach.
BBB: Enough with the Kool-Aid, damn it. It would appear to be impossible for you to run again on the whole "I’m-gonna-clean-up-Washington and kick-lobbyist-ass" theme after you’ve taken $200,000 from them in the past six years.
Testy: Um. I had to take the money to see what was in it?
BBB: You voted with Dear Leader 95% of the time. In case you hadn’t noticed, neither the One nor his fiscally reckless and socialist policies are real popular in your home state.
Testy: Yeah, well, Denny voted with Bush a bunch of times.
BBB: Jeez. Blaming Bush is getting as old as the Kool-Aid thing. So that’s about the strongest selling point your campaign has? My opponent is a lying hypocritical Washington scumbag with an “R” behind his name so I’m a better choice because I’m a lying hypocritical Washington scumbag with a “D” behind my name.
Testy: Yes, please repeat that numerous times in you article. Denny is a lying hypocritical Washington scumbag.
BBB: This ain’t about him at the moment. What about you?
Testy: Hey, wait a minute. You won’t drink my Kool-Aid. You didn’t bring any smoke or mirrors with you. You’re not kissing my ass…you’re not from the Missoula Independent or the MSU student newspaper!
BBB: Now, how about your record on raising taxes and increasing spending while voting yourself pay raises as a Senato…
Testy: Guards! Guards!
Homeland Security SWAT team rappels from the ceiling brandishing an array of firepower not often seen outside of Mexican drug lord compounds. Repeatedly taser and drag interviewer away.
Testy: Keep him detained without trial indefinitely! At least until 2019 if I get re-elected! Now send in the interviewer from the Independent. I know they’ll have some Kool-Aid with me.