YOU MIGHT BE A RURAL MONTANAN IF...

So, when I went into town the other day and discovered the cafe was closed because they were shipping cattle, that struck me as a perfect candidate for Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck" shtick. It got me to thinking, always a painful experience these days, about a list of similiar wisecracks that might fit under the heading of, "You might be a rural Montanan if..."

1.     The restaurant in town is closed for cattle shipping day.

2.     You tell guests coming to visit, “If we’ve had any recent rain, better put ‘er in four-wheel-drive at the bottom of the hill.”

3.     You’ve ever had an elk lick all the seed out of your bird feeder.

4.     You’ve ever swept goat poop off the porch.

5.     You know the ballistics for a 180-grain .30-06 all the way to 600 yards but can’t remember your anniversary.

6.     The subject of the ballistics for a 180-grain .30-06 actually comes up in routine, everyday conversations.

7.     Rubbing elbows with celebrities means one of the Ringling Five changed the oil in your truck.

8.     Until age 45, you always changed your own oil.

9.     You’ve ever attended a high school football game where they had to remove elk or bison dung from off the field.

10.            You laugh uproariously almost to the first commercial break before you realize the nature documentary on wolf reintroduction you're watching is not actually a brilliant satire.

11.             “Waving to the neighbors” means raising one finger of the hand on the steering wheel.

12.             You’ve ever used a clump of switch grass in lieu of toilet paper.

13.             You’ve ever removed a window screen so that you could shoot a gopher.

14.             You know that only two things can spook a horse; things that move and things that don’t.

15.             You know what burning hair smells like.

16.             You refer to the cows you see by breed.

17.             You didn’t realize you had a mirror on the passenger door of your truck until your dog died.

18.             Changing attire for a social event includes switching from an open carry .44 Magnum to a concealed carry .45 ACP.

19.             You’ve ever used duct tape to mend clothing or footwear.

20.            You’re secretly really glad cell phone coverage in your area sucks so that you never had to actually get one of those damn things.

21.             You think “Skype” is just a sound you make when you kneel on a prickly pear.

22.            You think being a vegetarian means eating only grass-fed beef.