Iowa Health Nazis Update

There is work afoot in the Iowa statehouse to crackdown on the state’s smokers. There are currently two competing bills, one which would allow localities to ban public smoking and one that would call for a statewide ban all together, as well as plans to raise the per pack tax on cigarettes.

However, some in the statehouse, while feeling that these bills are a good start, say that the bills don’t go far enough. State Senator Heinrich Von Schnoot (D- Ankeny) has proposed a bill that he says will provide a “final solution to the smoking problem” in Iowa. “Our anti-smoking propagan- public education campaign and other measures have been fairly successful. But now it is time for more, now it is time for action!” Von Schnoot said, banging his fist on his desk in a recent interview.

Senate File X417, “The Von Schnoot Resettlement Act” provides funding for special “health camps” for smokers as well as railcar procurement. “So these vermin wish to smoke, eh?” the senator asked, adjusting his monocle. “Then we will give them somewhere where they can really smoke.” Von Schnoot then laughed maniacally and twisted the end of his moustache. According to Von Schnoot’s proposal, Iowa smokers would be “resettled to the east” although the good senator was a bit hazy on exact locations. He did state that it would be a “nice place,” so nice in fact that resettled smokers wouldn’t want to leave it to visit home or even take time away from festivities to call loved ones. Senator Von Schnoot said, “There will be large fields for them to run in and lots of rabbits for them to chase, or whatever these scum do. But don‘t try to find the place, okay?”

So far the "Resettlement Act" has earned widespread support among legislators on both sides of the aisle. State Senator Francine Nedbetter (R- Storm Lake) said: “We look forward to working in a bipartisan manner on this important, commonsense legislation. We are committed to improving health in Iowa.” An amendment to the bill, offered by Nedbetter, would equip Iowa State Troopers with new uniform footgear, in the form of knee-high jackboots, although their current brown shirts would be retained.