"Good Bye Dirtbags! (See You In Four Years.)"

For a few months every few years, Iowa becomes fly-to country for the politicians and national media, rather than just another anonymous part of “fly-over country.” For a few months the stench of empty neo-conservative rhetoric overpowers the hog lots and the whine of liberals drowns out the grain driers. Of course, I’m talking about caucus time, when the whole nation notices us Iowans for once, and we love it.

The political clamor rises to a crescendo just before our first in the nation caucus. Then, just as quickly as it began, it ends. No more nationally televised speeches at the local gymnasium. No more constant political ads on TV and radio. Silence.

Like a lonely woman after a one night tryst, Iowa cries out, “Promise you’ll call,” to the politicians as they pull on their trousers to dash to the nearest airport. “Yeah, whatever,” they reply, and New Hampshire’s phone number falls out of their pocket. Then they’re gone. For awhile Iowa will bask in the warmth of the beautiful things they told us. (“You’re such a pretty state, and so important… I like pigs too! I hope to have pigs of my own someday, if I could just find the right state.”) Not me. I say, “Good riddance, Dirtbags! See you in four years, bring your checkbooks.”

For anyone who might have been vacationing off-planet at the time, the results for the Republicans were:
(Vote totals are from Friday’s Cedar Rapids Gazette)
1) Mike Huckabee- 35,401votes (34%)
2) Governor Rudy McRomney- 26,167 votes (25%)
3) Fred Thompson- 13, 834 votes (13%)
4) Senator Rudy McRomney- 13,556 votes (13%)
5) Ron Paul- 10,040 votes (10%)
6) Mayor Rudy McRomney- 3,590 votes
7) Duncan Hunter- 457 votes

So the big-government neo-conservatives carried the night here, no big surprise. The media all said that Huckabee winning was a vote for “change.” I can’t see how a candidate that’s a social conservative but a fiscal liberal is much of a change from El Presidente Bush.

“M’bouy” Ron Paul did about like I expected, although I had hoped that he would surprise everyone and finish third, or at least beat Senator Rudy McRomney. (Dr, Paul did beat Mayor Rudy McRomney, but “Dah Mayah” didn’t even campaign in the state.) Looks like Paul is polling higher in New Hampshire than he did here. Hopefully the Free State Project folks will show up to give him a bounce.

The big surprise of the night was on the Democrat side. “The Woman Who Would Be Queen,” Billary Clinton, was soundly stomped by relative newcomer Broccoli Osama. Billary actually finished third, behind Broccoli Osama and John Edwards (I couldn’t think of a way to mess with his name, sorry).

At the risk of a severe pistol-whipping from Bawb, let me just say that I like Broccoli Osama. I’d never vote for him, but he is much more likeable than the reptilian Clinton or that flimflam man Edwards. Broccoli is an inspiring speaker with an uplifting, unifying message. I wish he was a libertarian instead of a socialist. What remains to be seen is, how long will the Clintons let this guy swim in their pool? Broccoli better watch his six or Clinton Inc. might see to it that he has a sudden bout of depression and shoots himself in the back of the head a few times. (I wouldn’t fly in any light aircraft anytime soon either, Broccoli.)

As the limelight fades, we Iowans now return to our normal lives of growing corn. Or do we grow potatoes? Whatever.