Happy (Belated) Constitution Day

Realizing that there are probably thousands of you all across the fruited plain who have been laying awake nights wondering how I spent Constitution Day, I have decided to assuage your curiosity. Using my handy copy of the Constitution as I guide, I spent the day going right down the list, trying to enjoy all the freedoms enumerated in the first handful of amendments (what we used to call "The Bill of Rights," and now call "Toast").

First, I spoke freely and worshipped a discarded hair scrunchie, as is my right under the First Amendment. Then, in honor of my Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms, I randomly fired wild shots in the air... and found myself quickly hustled out of the Obama rally.

When a tired and weary group of brave young American GI's wandered through my neighborhood, looking for a place to stop and rest, I told them to "piss-off" as enshrined in the Third Amendment. Next, I politely informed a police officer that, pursuant with the Fourth Amendment, he may NOT search my house without a warrant, after flagging down his patrol car.

Then, in solemn observance of the Ninth Amendment, I donned beekeeper garb and climbed into the refrigerator with my bottle of gin to sing show tunes. Okay, that wasn't really for Constitution Day, that's just something I do EVERY Wednesday, but it IS well within my 9th Amendment rights. (When she repeatedly tells me to "get out of there," and to seek the "help" that I "desperately need," my wife really puts her Constitutional ignorance on display, let me tell you. I feel sorry for her.)

My Constitution Day festivities ended there with the Ninth Amendment, because, as any politician can tell you, there is no Tenth Amendment. Now if you'll excuse me, my wife is here with two gentlemen with white-jackets and butterfly nets.