In recent testimony before Congress, Attorney General Eric “Heinrich” Holder, under fire from operations so controversial that even CBS news was forced to report them, staunchly defended the policies of the Obama Administration and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives, BB Guns, Slingshots, Cutlery, and Sharp Sticks.
Facing particular criticism for what he termed “super-secret choco-fudgie” operations such as “Project Gunrunner”, "Project Gun Slitherer", “The Fast and the Furious”, “The Bold and the Beautiful”, “Point Break”, and “It’s Budget Appropriations Time and We Already Killed the Branch Davidians”, Holder lashed back at critics in government and the media.
“Senator Grassley,” Holder began in his prepared statements yesterday. “You can kiss my black ass.”
“We all know that Americans…well, except for us oppressed minorities such as Black Panthers, La Raza, and the Muslim Brotherhood…are responsible for everything bad that ever happens in the entire world.” Holder said before the cameras in the Senate Cloakroom. “Now our bizarre passion for selling high-powered weaponry via gunshow ‘loopholes’ and shady ‘sporting goods retailers’ threatens the very foundations of North American civilization, nay, that of the entire world.”
“Now, our superior southern neighbors, the peace-loving leading human rights leader Mexico, which enjoys the third highest standard of living in North America, have had their Utopia turned into a violent wasteland of bloodshed and brutality. All because of Americans…well, white right-wing rural Americans clinging bitterly to God and guns…insisting on the fraud of personally-owned firearms, for which there is no Constitution basis whatsoever, as Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan assures me.”
Eric Holder poses with what he claims are American sporting goods seized from drug lords by Mexican authorities.
“Behind me you see just a tiny portion of the guns sold commercially in the United States at so-called 'Sporting Goods' stores, guns which have given drug cartels the power to make the streets of Mexico run red with blood. Over 90% of these weapons were purchased over-the-counter in Texas and Arizona. What’s that Senator?…Well, okay, the vast majority of them anyway. Actual percentage? Um, a lot of them. Real numbers? Uh, um, actually, well there’s a single-shot .410 shotgun with a bent barrel and no hammer which you can’t see behind me. Yeah! We actually traced that one back to the U.S. Just think of the mayhem and carnage that one must have caused! Never mind it was actually purchased by an ATF agent.”
“That weapon has been traced back to a hotbed of sedition known as Jim Bob’s Beer, Bait & Ammo in Guano, Texas. The Southern Poverty Law Center, a solid and trusted source of information for Federal law enforcement agencies, has released information indicating the strong possibility of firm speculation they just now made up that this store is merely a front for a vicious ring of subversive racist anti-government extremists calling themselves ‘fishermen’ who have possibly been linked to the Tea Parties, the VFW, and the Baptist Church.
“The leader of this vicious gang of cutthroats is purported to be Billy Bob Chumslinger, a noted white person, military veteran, and Christian. For the safety and security of other nations, we must stamp out these kinds of nefarious criminals before they protest the adoption of Sharia law in the United States, fly the American flag, or question our authority by bringing up that most treasonous of all documents, the Constitution.
“As Attorney General, with the full backing of the President, Kenya, and the Third World Shithole Council of the UN, I have found it well within my authority to order a series of surgical Tomahawk missile strikes on this threat to world peace.
“Remember, I’m from the government and I’m here to help you...or else!”