For preparing for a zombie apocalypse Khan recommends that people stock an "emergency kit" with silly things like water, food, medicine, tools & supplies, sanitation & hygiene items, clothing & bedding items, important documents, and first aid supplies. He then recommends that you come up with an "emergency plan."
Most modern Americans already subscribe to the delightfully simple 3-step emergency plan that consists of: Step One) Get to the roof. Step Two) Wave at news choppers for help. Step Three) Die in heaps.
Khan, however, recommends the needlessly complex plan of:
- "Identify the types of emergencies that are possible in your area. Besides a zombie apocalypse, this may include floods, tornadoes, or earthquakes."
- "Pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home…or your town evacuates because of a hurricane."
- "Identify your emergency contacts. Make a list of local contacts like the police, fire department, and your local zombie response team."
- "Plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time[.]"
First, he forgot to mention getting a gun and stockpiling buttloads of ammo. In every zombie movie I've seen (except for a couple of pussy Brit films) zombie survivors immediately grab guns and start blasting zombies. It's usually a "target rich" environment, so again, stock up now and carry lots of ammo during a zombie apocalypse. As the LA. riots, Hurricane Katrina, and other examples show, having a good "looter-shooter" at your disposal ain't a bad idea in non-zombie disasters either.
Second, Khan suggests faith and reliance on the federal government during a zombie apocalypse. Says Khan: "Not only would [gov't] scientists be working to identify the cause and cure of the zombie outbreak, but CDC and other federal agencies would send medical teams and first responders to help those in affected areas[.]" Puh-lease! Something tells me that wouldn't go quite like planned.
Our fucked up federal government would first have to try to borrow money from the zombies in order to fund the zombie apocalypse response. When Uncle Sam goes before them with his hat in hand he would merely be exposing his delectable brain to the ravenous creatures.
When it comes to advice on surviving a zombie-induced doomsday forget the CDC and go with the real experts. Here's a list of rules for surviving the zombie apocalypse as compiled by neurotic zombie survivor "Columbus" in the great movie Zombieland. (Since I didn't write all these down when I watched the movie, I give a hat tip to the nerds who did and posted them at Wikipedia. An additional tip of my hat to whoever invented the copy and paste functions on my computer.) The list is incomplete because not all the rules come up in the course of the movie.
|Who you gonna believe?|
Drowsy CDC bureaucrats or
zombie slayers "Tallahassee" (left)
and "Columbus" (center left)?
3."Beware of bathrooms"
6."Cast iron skillet"
8."Get a kickass partner"
12."Bounty paper towels"
17."Don't be a hero" (Columbus drops the word "don't" in the movie's climactic scene)
21."Avoid strip clubs"
22."When in doubt, know your way out"
29."The buddy system"
31."Check the back seat"
32."Enjoy the little things"
33."Swiss army knife"
So if you heed the advice of the real experts (Columbus and Tallahassee) you might be able to not just survive a zombie apocalypse but you may even be able to win the coveted "Zombie Kill of the Week."