Saturday, August 20, 2011


As most folks around here know, I am what is called a global warming skeptic, and have been for some time. It doesn’t help me believe that the “science is sound” when I see articles like this one over at Jim’s Place.

Aliens may destroy humanity to protect other civilizations, say scientists

Rising greenhouse emissions could tip off aliens that we are a rapidly expanding threat, warns a report

It may not rank as the most compelling reason to curb greenhouse gases, but reducing our emissions might just save humanity from a pre-emptive alien attack, scientists claim.

Watching from afar, extraterrestrial beings might view changes in Earth's atmosphere as symptomatic of a civilization growing out of control – and take drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat, the researchers explain.

This highly speculative scenario is one of several described by a NASA-affiliated scientist and colleagues at Pennsylvania State University that, while considered unlikely, they say could play out were humans and alien life to make contact at some point in the future.

I used to merely scoff at such news items but fortunately, glory hallelujah, I have seen the light and had a revelation; I am changing my evil, skeptical ways. You see, this past weekend none other than Al Gore himself called me. Our blog reaching millions of alert, sophisticated readers, he thought it would be a good idea if I were to “join the team” and “get on board”. Of course, I laughed in his face.

Then he mentioned something about a Federal research grant to the tune of $20,000,000. Now he had my attention. The grant, it seems, is easy money, the only stipulation being that my “research” support the theory of global warming. I was sorely tempted, but stood by my principles.

Then he dropped a coy hint or two about a Nobel Peace Prize to sweeten the pot and he had me. I couldn’t help but thinking just how cool that Nobel Prize medallion would look hanging from the rear-view mirror in my pickup truck, along with the fuzzy dice and the pine tree-shaped air freshener.

So, with Al promising that the check was in the mail, I immediately dove into my research study. Al himself, in fact, got me started. He said that, as in his movie, I should not cite specific sources, only use banal generalities which no one could pin me down on, things like, “Computer models show...” “Studies suggest…”, or “A friend of mine took this picture.”

Concerned that this might not seem “scholarly” enough, I called professor Michael Bellesiles, author of the Bancroft Prize-winning book Arming America: The Origins of a National Gun Culture. “Citations?” he asked. “Oh, just make up a bunch of your own bogus footnotes. It’s not like anyone actually looks them up or anything during the peer-review process.”

Still uneasy at the prospect of unsubstantiated research, I made sure to include a detailed bibliography of the sources I used, from fortune cookies to the Oracle at Delphi to having Buster the Wonder Dog paw out answers in the dirt. When these sources included actual statistics, such as the blurred figures an intoxicated old hippie scribbled on the back of a cocktail napkin down at the bar, I carefully “adjusted” these figures upwards of 10% to make them “more accurate”. So when I tell you the science is sound, trust me, the science is sound!

I also called my old history prof at UNI, the one who went to Red China during the Vietnam War, since he had written a book, something he managed to mention at least 27 times per lecture. His advice: “Use lots of graphs and charts, bright colors, and shiny objects, as these lead the media and Hollywood celebrities to believe not only that your work is well-researched and scholarly but also that they can understand it.”

Then, best of all, I was invited to join a panel of prestigious scientists for what is known as the “peer-review” process. Not to be a name dropper or anything, but my peers included some of the great scientific minds of our time; Whitehouse Alchemy & Astrology Czar Sue Doesiense, Sideshow Bob, former UN IPCC Chairman Rajendra Pachauri ,Wile E. Coyote (Super Genius), former East Anglican CRU Director Phil Jones, Cameron Diaz, suspended federal biologist Charles “Drowning Polar Bears” Monnett, Bobo the Chimp, Ben Affleck, Global Warming Poster Child Jim Hansen, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, and the ever-popular Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his faithful assistant Beaker.

We all sat at a big round table at some university with ivy growing on the walls of the buildings, so you know it was prestigious. We were each given a big rubber stamp that said “OK” and then we passed around our research studies. There were many brilliant titles such as Self-Flagellation: The Only Hope for the Industrialized West, The Carbon Tax: Totally Essential or Merely Desperately Needed? and Bush & Cheney: Evil Demons Personally Responsible for Global Warming. We would read the title and, if we agreed with the premise, stamp the cover “OK” and pass it on.

I felt pretty silly with all those footnotes I had included in my report, but I still enjoyed experience. The whole process only took 20 minutes from start to finish, leaving me plenty of time to go check out the co-eds on the quad. Unfortunately, this being an Ivy League university, they were all a bit hairy in the leg department, dressed like Chinese peasant women, and protesting something or other, so that wasn’t all that I had hoped for.

Anyway, my work, Dollars & Degrees: The Alarming Interrelation of Government Funding and Global Warming was well-received in the peer review process, as evidenced by the “OK” stamps on the cover sheet.

I was going to reproduce the work in full here at Das Blog, but even though capitalism is evil, I thought I would put my research into book form and have it published. Al says it’s just fine to make huge profits from global warming. It’s for the children.

To tide you over until the publication date, here are a few of the colorful graphs and charts I included, based upon computer models I personally programmed using the tried-and-true GIGO method.

As is clearly apparent in this graph, even so-called "reasonable reductions" in Federal grants for the study of global warming will cause worldwide temperatures to increase exponentially.

Conversely, exponential government spending only leads to a very slight reduction in global temperatures. Clearly, we must spend even more money in order to reduce global warming by significant levels.

Skeptics claim that climate change science is politically motivated, yet here we can plainly observe a dramatic projected increase in dead polar bears in conjunction with relatively minor increases in the Tea Party. Coincidence? I think not.

In fact, it is obvious in this chart that American politics, especially presidential elections, directly influence planetary health.

Anadyr, Siberia circa 2025 without the Carbon Tax. (Reuters.)

I hope the book sells well. After my Personal Methane Footprint Tax (I had skipped the catered peer-review luncheon of organic arugula, tofu, fava beans and endangered Chilean Seabass and had instead gone out for burritos, red cabbage and cauliflower) my $20 million grant only left me with $53.42 net.

And that damn Nobel medal is just cheap pewter with a thin coating of gold alloy plating that’s already wearing off from rubbing against the fuzzy dice and the air freshener.


Anonymous. “Save Gaia Yer Erth Muther”, spray painted message on I-90 overpass just outside of Bozeman, MT.

Cindy Lu, Mistress of the Occult. “Tell Your Fortune $5,” Memo for the record, Sweetgrass County Fair, 4 July 2011.

Couric, Katie. “I Hate That Bitch Palin”, CBS News Special In-Depth Investigative Report, 4 November 2008.

Cookie, Fortune. “Luncheon Buffet Special,” Wang Fu’s Pagoda of Wontons, Butt Butte, MT 9 April 2011.

Delphi, Oracle at. “Bunch of Greek Words”, Memo for the record. Mount Parnassus, Greece. 12 June 2010. Translation: Copious Amounts of Ouzo.

Dog, Buster the Wonder. “Woofs and scratches in the dirt”. Memo for the record, August 2, 2011.

Doobie, Stiff. Song Lyrics: Kyoto Requiem, Stiff Doobie and the Bongs, college grunge band, MSU, Missoula, MT, 2008.

Hippie, Old. Semi-legible Notes on a Cocktail Napkin, Joe’s Bar & Grill, Butte, MT 2011.

Left, Eileen. “We’re All Gonna Die if Obama Doesn’t Win,” Time Magazine, 1 November 2008.

Leghorn, Foghorn J. "Reading of entrails". Farmer Brown’s Barnyard, Gritsburg, AR. 1 May 2010.

Meditation, Zen. "Peaceful Thoughts in the Lotus Position", my backyard, July 25, 2011.

Eight-Ball, Magic. “Reply Hazy, Try Again”. Memo for the record, 12 July 2011.


Anonymous said...

You've grown so much lately. First, there was your "back to nature", Walden pond treatise, then your adventures in time travel, and now a Nobel Prize. We're not worthy. The brightness of your karma is impossible to behold. Mother Gaia must be so proud of you. What's next, levitation?

Or did you just put a new pine tree air freshener in your truck and sniff it too much?

Angry Exile said...

Sniggered my way through the whole thing, and the bibliography is sensational. Of course, if you meant it I can only assume you've been licking toads.

Jim Fryar said...

You know, it was only a couple of days ago that I stated, "I feel sorry for satirists in this day and age, as the way serious science is going it will be impossible for them to keep in front of the action."

You have proved me wrong.

Bawb said...

Jim, it was indeed that very quote which inspired me (assuming I am being satirical).

As for sniffing air fresheners and licking toads, you guys are being ridiculous.

But it is time for me to go find and eat some of those delicious mushrooms I find growing on cow pies. After a couple of those, global warming, politics and reality TV make soooo much sense, especially the part about the big green shaved orangutan in the top hat on roller skates.

PS: I just found ANOTHER Nobel Prize as a free toy inside a box of Cap'n Crunch breakfast cereal.