After the recent disaster in Japan involving the Fukushima nuclear plant, many experts are re-thinking the idea of nuclear power, especially in the dangerously unstable coastal fault zones found in eastern Iowa. Practically wetting themselves over the idea of sowing fear and discord and smacking their lips at the very thought of a major disaster to report, Iowa media outlets have been running amok in an attempt to scare the hell out of people for ratings. The prestigious Des Moines newspaper Prairie Pravda continues to cite University of Iowa Professor Lef Tiste as a scientific expert on the subject of the dangers of nuclear power. Here at Benandbawbsblog, we decided to interview this “expert” to find out just exactly why Iowa’s only nuclear power plant poses such a threat to the people of Iowa and perhaps even survival of the human race, as reported by local network affiliates.
BBB: Welcome Professor. You’ve been on radio and TV a lot lately voicing your concerns about nuclear power in Iowa. What exactly are the dangers to the citizens of the State of Boredom.
PLT: As you would already know if you’d read my award-winning, peer-reviewed book How George Bush Hatched a Diabolical Plot to Destroy All Mankind, all non-green power is bad and dangerous. This includes coal, petroleum products, perpetual motion, cow flatulence, wind, and hydroelectric.
PLT: Of course, you dolt. Wind turbine blades have been proven to kill as many as two dozen bats per year and in one $2,754,200 Environmental Impact Study I conducted with a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts I found that any new hydro-electric project could possibly endanger the rare three-toed mugwort.
BBB: Uh, yeah. So just what are safe forms of energy?
PLT: There are none. We should all go back to living in caves and mud huts for the good of our Earth Mother. Except, of course, for an enlightened leftist ruling elite class consisting of, among others, people like myself.
BBB: Yeah, right. So anyway, could you tell us a bit more about the scenario you have been blithering about on TV regarding the dangers of the Arnold Duane Energy Center near Polo, Iowa?
PLT: If you had done your research and read my award-winning, peer-reviewed book Oh My God We’re All Gonna Die Because of Sarah Palin you would know already. But, since you are Tea Bagger scum, I will try to elaborate on my scenario, and hopefully I won’t use words that are too big for your tiny Fox News-programmed excuse for a brain.
BBB: Gee, thanks.
PLT: My computer models suggest that a minor earthquake of as little as 9.8 magnitude on the Richter Scale could create a possible 300-foot high tsunami on nearby Peasant Creek Reservoir, which would crash into the nuclear plant like a gargantuan sledgehammer. This, in turn, could potentially topple the cooling towers, causing a meltdown in the reactor, which would burn down into the center of the earth, feasibly releasing massive volcanic eruptions ten times greater in scale than the 1883 Krakatoa volcano. It is also quite likely that such an occurrence could also perhaps set off a nuclear explosion a hundred times more powerful than the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which was George Bush’s fault. The radiation from this disaster may create mutated life forms, such as 3-eyed fish, and awaken a slumbering prehistoric monster which could run amok, smashing cities. The imperialist war-mongers of the Pentagon would most likely be unable to stop the beast with their sad, pathetic conventional war toys, which are designed only to oppress the Religion of Peace, and perchance this could conceivably trigger the use of further nuclear weapons. In turn, we can presume that this would cause a Nuclear Winter, likely making sea levels to rise by as much as 320 feet and conceivably wiping out all forms of life on the planet. Then, projections predict, a race of peace-loving, primarily Democrat aliens would most likely colonize Earth and restore it to its pristine beauty. So, I don’t believe my scenario is actually a “disaster” as some of you fools seem to believe, but a righteous cleansing of Giai our Earth Mother from the evils of Western Civilization.
BBB: Riiiggghhhhttt. What exactly do you teach at U of I?
PLT: Teach? Teach?!?!? You simpleton, I’m tenured! I don’t have to teach anything. That’s what grad students are for.
BBB: Well then, what is your degree in?
PLT: Doctorate, not degree, you peasant. No wonder we need a leftist elite to rule this country to keep bumpkins like you from rising above their proper caste in life. Anyway, my Doctorate is in the Socialization of Pre-Colombian Gay & Lesbian Evolution and Basket Weaving.
BBB: You’re shitting me.
PLT: How vulgar. No. You would know this if you had read my award-winning, peer-reviewed book Why Socialism Must Triumph to Stop the Tea Party and Teach the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony.
BBB: By the way, we were wondering just how many copies of these award-winning, peer-reviewed books you’ve actually sold.
PLT: Sold!?!?! SOLD you Capitalist pig exploiter of the proletariat!?!? I don’t write books for money!
BBB: Wow, that few, hunh?
PLT: Well, Mom bought one. Plus I require all my students to purchase two copies of each, in case they lose one.
BBB: There you have it, folks. The danger of nuclear energy in Iowa. From an “expert”.
PLT: And let me remind your readers, assuming they are at least marginally literate, that my latest award-winning, peer-reviewed book Barack Obama: The True Savior Who Must Never Be Questioned will go on sale in student lounges across Iowa next week.
BBB: Yeah, we’ll really be looking forward to that.