Tuesday, August 30, 2011


The Obama Family Tree. Notice how the whole thing leans to the left? Can you pick out the real relatives from the fake?

The Mainstream media have, since 2008, been so busy chasing after unsubstantiated Internet rumors of Sarah Palin’s Down’s Syndrome child being her daughter’s love child or misattributing Tina Fey quotes to Palin as genuine news, that they never did really get around to vetting Barack Hussein Obama. In fact, they never even got around to mentioning he’s a smoker. Nothing bad from his past was allowed, no one looked into his friends and associates, or “jobs” and education, and the media all banded valiantly together to show their integrity by deciding that Barack’s immediate family was strictly “off-limits”, while at the same time trying to insinuate one of Palin’s kids may have been porking the family dog.

So, when Obama made statements such as, “My second great-great-great uncle’s nephew’s brother-in-law fought proudly and bravely for the racist bastards that make up America during WWII as a member of the famous Dirty Dozen Airborne Rat Patrol Commandos to beat Monty to Massena and liberate Spain from the Kaiser.”, the press naturally just gobbled it up as the Gospel truth, finding no historical inaccuracies whatsoever in such statements.

It was hard to search through the murk of Barry O’s past, despite numerous autobiographies written by complete stranger Bill Ayers, as all of his records were, like his family, “off-limits”. We’re not talking the birth certificate thing, we’re talking everything; college registration and transcripts, thesis, writings, law reviews, lectures, coloring books given him by professors to keep him occupied in the corner during lectures. In fact, the only written records of Barry having even been to college at all are his poems, available on the Harvard website. While Barry is almost fanatical about hiding this part of his life, it could just be because Barry’s embarrassed since his writing is roughly the equivalent of his speaking when the teleprompter goes down, a series of patronizing, meaningless platitudes strung together with apparently random punctuation. Here are a few examples of his brilliant prose, written while EDITOR of the Harvard Law Review, concerning affirmative action policies.

"Since the merits of the Law Review's selection policy has been the subject of commentary for the last three issues, I'd like to take the time to clarify exactly how our selection process works."

“(Approximately half of this first batch is chosen solely on their performance on the writing competition; the other half are selected on a weighted formula of 70 percent grades and 30 percent writing competition).”

“Once final selections are made, all writing competition material is destroyed. No editors on the Review will ever know whether any given editor was selected on the basis of grades, writing competition, or affirmative action, and no editors who were selected with affirmative action in mind.”

Being the first black President of the Harvard Law Review netted Barry an attractive six-figure book deal from Simon & Schuster. He floundered around for three years, producing meaningless gibberish, until the book company finally pulled the plug on the whole deal. Even a letter he wrote to Penthouse Forum, beginning with, “I never used to think that these here stories was true until…”, was rejected. A year later, the miraculous Barry O personally wrote Dreams of My Father, which Time Magazine referred to as "the best-written memoir ever produced by an American politician."

After the ‘08 elections, Barry O immediately began living up to his promises to have the “most transparent administration ever” by signing an Executive Order before the Whitehouse door was fully closed, completely sealing all of his own records, another little something the joyous press overlooked.

Confused, hidden, unreleased records and writings make research of the Barry Clan’s murky past bad enough. This was further muddled by the fact that his mother was a hippie slut who spread her legs for any non-American man she could find, especially men who had numerous other wives and children. This leaves researchers with a Herculean task to sift through the chaff and find out what really happened within the tangled branches of the Obongo family tree which, apparently, is shaped more like a wreath.

Leftist worshipers of The One have gone through some amazing genealogical contortions to link Dear Leader’s ancestry to famous and influential Americans.

“Obama is also distantly related to U.S. Presidents James Madison, Lyndon Johnson, Gerald Ford and U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, U.S. Civil War General Robert E. Lee, and actor Brad Pitt.” “Elvis Presley is Obama's 21st cousin 3 times removed.” “The President and [Wild Bill] Hickok are sixth cousins, six-times removed.”

The media also gleefully gushed over Obama’s Irish ancestry, a great, great, great, great grandfather having come from Moneygall. Some of his actual relatives and other Irishmen were not so thrilled, reactions ranging from traditional Irish sayings to throwing pints of Guinness at him.

“May your offspring promise much and deliver little.”

“I really don’t like to claim a relationship to Obama,”

“Do not take the thatch from your own roof to buy slates for another man’s house.”

“Don’t be breaking your shin on a stool that’s not in your way.”

“I don’t appreciate what he’s done by any means.”

“He is not my favorite president. I don’t have anything against him personally, but I don’t think we have the same agenda.”

“May the devil make a ladder of your backbone.”

“B’gosh and Begorrah but I’d like to thump his head with mah shillelagh.”

Here at Das Blog Research Center, Bait Shop & Hunting Lodge, we decided to go beyond the happy-happy, joy-joy mutual love fest between the mainstream media and the Obama Regime and delve a bit deeper to find other ancestral links to the Anointed One. Just reporting the stories the American media can’t or won’t report themselves.

For instance, Barry’s ex brother-in-law’s cousin Ernie Ng came from Malaya as part of a large family of Chinese descent. Ernie has been rumored to be one of four illegitimate children sired by Communist Terrorist Chin Peng, who instigated the Malaya Emergency as commander of an ever-changing Commie amoeba-like organization known at various times…when they hoped a name change would give them a better image…as the MCP (Malayan Communist Party) MRLA (Malayan Races Liberation Army), MPLA (Malayan People’s Liberation Army), and the DNC. When his insurgency failed he slunk off to Thailand and then to Beijing, where he met our old pal Mao Zedong. In third autobiography, The Audacity of My Father’s Hope, Barack waxed eloquent about how he listened with rapt attention to Ernie’s stories of visiting Mao with his father. “I knew right then,” wrote Bill Ayers. “That someday I wanted to have little children singing songs of worship to me, just like Uncle Mao.”

"I wanted to have little children singing songs of worship to me, just like Uncle Mao."

Barack’s paternal grandfather, Hussein Onyango Obama, may have also run afoul of the British in the insurgency field. Onyango was the fifth son of his mother, Nyaoke, who was the first of the five wives of his father, Obama. British colonial authorities in Kenya apparently tried him for sedition and he spent six months in prison where he was reportedly tortured for information. This shameful mistreatment led Barry to say he was going to close down Guantanamo Bay as his first act as president, eventually, when he gets around to it. According to his third wife, Sarah, Grandpa Obama was a man of deep faith, originally converting to Catholicism, then Buddhism, then Taoism, then Episcopalian and Mormon before finally taking the name Hussein when he later converted to Islam; she said he passed the name (but of course not the religion, she insisted) on to his children. This led Obama to philosophize, “You know, my faith is one that admits some doubt.”

During an interview in 2009, Barack was asked if these things had negatively affected his view of the British, to which he replied, “I love the Brits and I think I have shown that affection every time I’ve gone over the visit the dirty limey bastards and their old beee-otch of a queen. Hell, I even gave ‘em back that statue of that fat old white dude, What’s-his-face, Winston something-or-other.” He added, “The notion that I would somehow judge countries based on what happened 100 years ago would not make much sense. I only judge my own country that way.””

Another Obama bumping heads with British authorities was stepbrother Samson, or George, or “John Smith” as his fake ID said, or maybe they’re different people. Whatever. Anyway, flying from Nairobi to the United States for big brother’s inauguration, British Customs refused him a visa on the flimsy grounds that he presented them with fake documents and because he had been arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting a 13-year-old girl the last time he had visited Great Britain. Half-brother George, or Samson, or whoever the hell he is…the media makes sure that isn’t clear…was also arrested on drug charges in Kenya. Brother Barry was shocked to find out that drug use and possession was illegal, since he himself had been a proud member of the “Choom Gang” in high school, when he couldn’t get any blow and had to resort back to marijuana.

The Obama boys sharing a brotherly joint.

Ancestry was also traced to Italian fascist dictator Benito Mussolini. In his Changing Hope for my Audacious Father, Barack recalled the treasured gift handed down through the family from “Uncle Ben”, a partially finished hand-written manuscript by Il Duce entitled, How to be a Mediocre-at-Best Dictator, Destroy Your Country’s Economy, and Make It the Laughing Stock of the World. “I cherish that gift,” Barry said in a 2010 interview. “I keep it by my bedside, along with the Koran, to guide me in leading our nation.”

Al Jazeera, or Muslim MSNBC as they are called in parts of the Mideast, celebrated when Libyan crackpot Muammar Gaddafi endorsed Barack Obama’s candidacy in 2008, calling him a Muslim wolf in sheep’s clothing just suckering in those dumb Americans long enough to get elected. The “most cerebral president” in history sagely pronounced his vast knowledge and wisdom in regards to the volatile region in a 2010 interview. "The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries." After this amicable beginning, only a few short years later Barack Obama began sending high-tech US military weapons to Muslim fanatics including Al Queada to help overthrow Gaddafi’s regime. Why the change of heart? It turns out that Gaddafi was actually Barry’s 9th cousin sixteen times removed and had announced, since proof of citizenship is no longer an issue for candidates, that he was going to run against Barry in the 2012 Democrat Party presidential primary.

More recently suppressed in the news, Barry’s long lost Uncle Omar, Onyango Obama, was involved in an incident in Massachusetts. Driving with a blood alcohol content found to be four times the legal limit, he drove his Mitsubishi SUV through a stop sign, over a nun and two boy scouts, and then T-boned a police car. When arrested, Onyango criticized the police officers for having their car parked where it blocked access to the sidewalk he wished to drive upon, insisted he was not in violation of any laws as he had attended the Ted Kennedy School of Driving, and, for his one phone call, rang the Whitehouse. While he was muttering incoherently in the drunk tank, police found out that he was an illegal alien with an outstanding deportation warrant from Customs & Immigration.

The President said, “Don’t worry. I got dear Aunt Zetuni out of her deportation as an illegal alien, and she’s still living on Welfare at the expense of the US taxpayer. In fact, I’ve just given amnesty to pretty much all illegal aliens who can’t be proven conclusively to be a child rapist. Just remember to vote for me in 2012, or your ass will be back in a mud hut in Kenya with my brother so fast your head will spin. Yeah, Harvard had Dear Old Dad deported, but nobody’s gonna get anything like that done now that I’m El Jefe.”

In his brilliant memoir Drunken Hallucinations of my Father, Barack told of the racism and oppression and bigotry that ruined Dear Old Dad. Pop came to Hawaii for a free ride education, of course on an American-sponsored scholarship, where he just happened to forget all about his baby son and wife Kezia, who was pregnant, back in Kenya. Still legally married, he found a dumb, gullible young American student, getting her knocked up and marrying her, I’m not sure in which order. Two years later, it was off to Harvard, once again leaving behind a wife and child, and having an affair with a Kenyan exchange student; Daddy Obammy was apparently quite a man-slut and chased skirts in considerable numbers at both universities. A memo from a University of Hawaii foreign student adviser said that Obama senior had “been running around with several girls since he first arrived here and last summer she cautioned him about his playboy ways. Subject replied that he would ‘try’ to stay away from the girls.” Harvard considered him “a slippery character” and “couldn't seem to figure out how many wives he had”. Daddy Obammy was forced to go back to Kenya, where he landed a civil servant job, had a couple more kids with Kezia on the sly, and married his third wife, an American teacher named Ruth whom he’d met at Harvard, to crank out a couple of more kids, in between getting drunk and beating her. After one beating too many, Ruth sued for divorce. Somewhere in there, amongst many other drunk driving binges, he crashed his auto and lost both legs. This, however, could not keep him from womanizing and he managed to father yet another child by yet another woman. He was going to marry her too, but died in another drunk driving accident before he could tie the knot.

All this inspiration led to Barack Hussein Obama proclaiming, through the pen of Bill Ayers, “I never emulate white men and brown men whose fates didn’t speak to my own. It was into my father’s image, the black man, son of Africa, that I’d packed all the attributes I sought in myself.”

There’s another apt quote…I can’t quite recall if it came from Barack Obama or Homer Simpson…”Remember, as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.”

Looking back, I see clearly now what a tragedy the Obama Presidency has become for satirists. Even I can’t tell which of the above stories and quotes are bullshit and which are true. I'll bet you can't either.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Gun Nut Roundup Aug. 2011

"Fast and Furious" Leaders Promoted

The rewards program for federal law enforcement sometimes seems confusing to those of us not involved in it.  If you're an FBI sniper who shoots an unarmed woman holding her baby, like celebrated mommy-slayer Lon Horiuchi did at Ruby Ridge, you might only receive a medal.  But if you oversee an illegal mess that gets a couple federal officers and an untold number of civilians killed, like BATFE's "Operation Fast and Furious" has, you get promoted.

The three BATFE agents in charge of "Fast and Furious" in Phoenix have now been promoted to higher positions in DC.  According to the NRA-ILA:  "William Newell is now special assistant to the assistant director of the agency's Office of Management, David Voth has been made branch chief for the BATFE's tobacco division."  Those two promotions are bad enough, but this one takes the cake:  "William G. McMahon, who had been the BATFE's deputy director of operations in the West, has been made the deputy assistant director of the Office of Professional Responsibility and Security Operations. That is the division within BATFE that investigates misconduct by agency personnel."

If a federal law enforcement officer ever personally detonates a "dirty bomb" in a major American city he'll no doubt become the next Attorney General.

FBI Targets Hungry Extremists Armed With "Night Flashlights"

The FBI has been distributing a memo to surplus store operators warning them to be on the lookout for and to report suspicious purchases, including of some gun accessories.  Specifically it asks retailers to watch for people making bulk buys of dangerous items like:

Weatherproofed ammunition or match containers
Meals Ready to Eat
Night Vision Devices; night flashlights; gas masks
High capacity magazines
Bi-pods or tri-pods for rifles

I'm not surprised about the feds getting their undies in a wad about "high capacity" magazines, they always have an unhealthy obsession about those for some reason.  But flashlights and ammo cans?  What the hell are they afraid of?  Okay, these are "night flashlights" which are obviously more dangerous than standard "middle-of-the-day" flashlights like we had when we were kids, but still.  And "Meals Ready to Eat" (more commonly called MREs)?  No doubt these will now be renamed "assault vittles" by the Obama administration and an eager media.  (That's "assault tucker" for Jim and our countless legions of fans Down Under.)

The memo asks retailers to ID new customers, keep records of who buys what, question and observe customers, and notify law enforcement.  The day I get ID'd to buy a few friggin' flashlights is the day I know I'm living in a police state.

Anti-Gun Politician's Home Defended With Gun

In mid-July the home of U.S. Representative Leonard Boswell (D-IA) was invaded.  A man in a ski mask and armed with a realistic-looking BB pistol entered Boswell's house, attacked his daughter and demanded money.  The 77-year-old Boswell bravely wrestled with the intruder, trying to help his daughter, but was no match for the younger man.

Since Boswell has been no great friend of gun owners it might be surprising how the encounter was ultimately resolved.  According to Gun Owners of America (GOA), Boswell has not cast a single pro-gun vote since 2006 and has a "D-" grade from that organization.  Boswell has also voted FOR trigger lock legislation within the last five years.

GOA points out the hypocrisy here:  "[I]t is highly doubtful that the shotgun retrieved by [Boswell's] grandson -- the shotgun found in the Congressman’s home -- had a trigger lock attached to it."  Seeing that he was suddenly outgunned, the intruder fled the home and was later arrested along with an accomplice.

Luckily for Boswell, the Second Amendment protects hypocrites too.


In the spirit of endless and pointless Internet blithering and debate on "the best" weapon you can have, we have gathered together for you to compare the hot skinny on the three main contenders as evidenced by numbers produced and sold...

The Kalashnikov AK47 series...

The AR15/M16 series...

The Model 1891 Mosin-Nagant series...

AK: It works even though you have never cleaned it. You lubricate it with used motor oil.
AR: It works if you strip, clean and properly lubricate it daily, more often in inclimate weather.
M-N: It works under any conditions if you’re strong enough to work the bolt.

AK: Cheap mags are fun to buy.
AR: Cheap mags melt.
M-N: What’s a mag?

AK: Your safety can be heard from 300 meters away.
AR: You can silently flip off the safety with your finger on the trigger.
M-N: What’s a safety?

AK: Your rifle comes with a cheap nylon sling.
AR: Your rifle has a 9 point stealth tactical suspension system.
M-N: Your rifle has a leather dog collar suitable for restraining a pit bull.

AK: Your bayonet makes a good wire cutter.
AR: Your bayonet makes a pretty good field knife.
M-N: Your bayonet makes an excellent javelin.

AK: When out of ammo your rifle will nominally pass as a club.
AR: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a great wiffle bat.
M-N: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a supreme war club, pike, bludgeon, spear, boat anchor, pry bar, hammer, or post hole digger.

AK: Recoil is manageable, even fun.
AR: What’s recoil?
M-N: Recoil is often used to relocate shoulders thrown out by the previous shot.

AK: Your sight adjustment goes to 1000 meters but you’ve never bothered moving it.
AR: Your sight adjustment is incremented in fractions of minute of angle.
M-N: Your sight adjustment goes to 2 miles and you’ve actually tried it.

AK: Your rifle can be used by any two bit nation’s most illiterate conscripts to fight U.S. forces.
AR: Your rifle is used by U.S. forces to fight every two bit nations’ most illiterate conscripts.
M-N: Your rifle can be used to overthrow the Czar.

AK: Your rifle won some revolutions.
AR: Your rifle won the Cold War.
M-N: Your rifle won a pole vault event.

AK: You paid $350.
AR: You paid $1000.
M-N: You paid $59.95 for two.

AK: You buy cheap ammo by the case.
AR: You lovingly reload precision crafted rounds one by one.
M-N: You dig your ammo out of a farmer’s field in Ukraine and it works just fine.

AK: You can repair your rifle with a hammer and duct tape.
AR: You can repair your rifle by taking it to a certified gunsmith, it’s under warranty!
M-N: You can buy a new one for less money than a trip to the gunsmith.

AK: After a long day the range you relax by watching “Red Dawn”.
AR: After a long day at the range you relax by watching “Blackhawk Down”.
M-N: After a long day at the range you relax by visiting the chiropractor.

AK: You can accessorize your rifle with a new muzzle brake or a nice stock set.
AR: Your rifle’s accessories number in the thousands and collectively cost ten times more than the rifle itself.
M-N: Your rifle’s accessory is a small tin can with a funny lid, but it’s buried under an apartment building somewhere in Budapest.

AK: Your rifle’s finish is varnish and paint.
AR: Your rifle’s finish is Teflon and high tech polymers.
M-N: Your rifle’s finish still has tree bark.

AK: Your rifle has only eight moving parts; all have sloppy tolerances.
AR: Your rifle is a finely-tuned precision machine with lots of tiny, easy-to-lose parts.
M-N: Your rifle makes the 98 Mauser seem needlessly complicated.

AK: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Mikhail Kalashnikov.
AR: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Eugene Stoner.
M-N: You’re not sure there WERE cameras at the time to photograph Sergei Mosin.

And the winner is...

After painstakingly going through this list over and over and carefully considering all points, good, bad or indifferent, I have come to the conclusion that the best weapon I can recommend you buy for your go-to rifle should be from, in order of preference:

1. The FN/FAL/SLR series
2. The M1/M14 series
3. The HK91/CETME series.

For further information:

Friday, August 26, 2011


Everywhere you look, Big Brother’s cameras are watching you, filming your every move from streetlights, lampposts, overpasses, police car dashboards, public buildings, you name it. Big Brother sees nothing wrong with this. Don’t worry, it’s for your own good, it’s for safety, it’s for security, it’s for the children.

One of the favorite sayings of the minions of Big Brother is, “If you’re not doing anything wrong, then you won’t mind me videotaping you or searching your XXX (car, home, luggage, children, person, anus, etc.).” Just because it's in violation of the Fourth Amendment is no reason to say no.

Why is it then, if Big Brother himself is acting on your behalf for your safety and security and “not doing anything wrong”, he so vigorously and angrily resists you videotaping him? Perhaps because of videos like this one.

Yes, Big Brother has become quite upset about his own actions being taped in public places. Three states already have laws against doing so.

Growing Number of Prosecutions for Videotaping the Police

Straight Talk: Videotaping Police

Police and prosecutors are the most visible and publicized, yet they are hardly the only ones who object to being filmed or recorded. Politicians are now also eagerly jumping on the “You can’t tape me” bandwagon, which should come as no surprise as they consider themselves to be a ruling elite and that laws are for “Thee and not for me.”

Florida politician snatches and keeps camera from videographer

Ohio Congressman Has Cops Confiscate Cameras At Town Hall Meeting

Man assaulted in church for videotaping politician making speech

In general, I am quite supportive of the police, but I am biased having worked with and for law enforcement. That and because I live in a rural county larger than the entire State of Delaware but having a population of barely over three thousand people. It's the kind of place where you know the sheriff and his deputies by their first names. They're still peace officers rather than law enforcement officers, and if they were assholes the voters would be quick to send them packing at the next election.

Despite the full trust of officers I know personally, I am nearly terrified of big city cops and the Feds. If you merely annoy them they can still harass the hell out of you with trivial and minor rules and regulations. If they really want you, they will find or perhaps even create something they can nail you on. Even if you're formally charged and found innocent, they will bankrupt you with attorney costs to prove that innocence in court. Since I am always blithering on about the Constitution and right, as well as generally pissing people off, these kinds of "law enforcement" persons make me nervous.

You should be nervous too, as evidences by the videos and articles referenced above. You have no reasonable expectation of privacy anymore, but Big Brother sure seems to think he does, even when performing as a public "servant" in public. This begs the age-old question of who polices the police? You better not, especially with a video/audio recording device. That whole First Amendment thing is as passe as the Fourth.

Big Brother is indeed watching, but don't you dare watch back. Got that, peasant?

Saturday, August 20, 2011


As most folks around here know, I am what is called a global warming skeptic, and have been for some time. It doesn’t help me believe that the “science is sound” when I see articles like this one over at Jim’s Place.

Aliens may destroy humanity to protect other civilizations, say scientists

Rising greenhouse emissions could tip off aliens that we are a rapidly expanding threat, warns a report

It may not rank as the most compelling reason to curb greenhouse gases, but reducing our emissions might just save humanity from a pre-emptive alien attack, scientists claim.

Watching from afar, extraterrestrial beings might view changes in Earth's atmosphere as symptomatic of a civilization growing out of control – and take drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat, the researchers explain.

This highly speculative scenario is one of several described by a NASA-affiliated scientist and colleagues at Pennsylvania State University that, while considered unlikely, they say could play out were humans and alien life to make contact at some point in the future.

I used to merely scoff at such news items but fortunately, glory hallelujah, I have seen the light and had a revelation; I am changing my evil, skeptical ways. You see, this past weekend none other than Al Gore himself called me. Our blog reaching millions of alert, sophisticated readers, he thought it would be a good idea if I were to “join the team” and “get on board”. Of course, I laughed in his face.

Then he mentioned something about a Federal research grant to the tune of $20,000,000. Now he had my attention. The grant, it seems, is easy money, the only stipulation being that my “research” support the theory of global warming. I was sorely tempted, but stood by my principles.

Then he dropped a coy hint or two about a Nobel Peace Prize to sweeten the pot and he had me. I couldn’t help but thinking just how cool that Nobel Prize medallion would look hanging from the rear-view mirror in my pickup truck, along with the fuzzy dice and the pine tree-shaped air freshener.

So, with Al promising that the check was in the mail, I immediately dove into my research study. Al himself, in fact, got me started. He said that, as in his movie, I should not cite specific sources, only use banal generalities which no one could pin me down on, things like, “Computer models show...” “Studies suggest…”, or “A friend of mine took this picture.”

Concerned that this might not seem “scholarly” enough, I called professor Michael Bellesiles, author of the Bancroft Prize-winning book Arming America: The Origins of a National Gun Culture. “Citations?” he asked. “Oh, just make up a bunch of your own bogus footnotes. It’s not like anyone actually looks them up or anything during the peer-review process.”

Still uneasy at the prospect of unsubstantiated research, I made sure to include a detailed bibliography of the sources I used, from fortune cookies to the Oracle at Delphi to having Buster the Wonder Dog paw out answers in the dirt. When these sources included actual statistics, such as the blurred figures an intoxicated old hippie scribbled on the back of a cocktail napkin down at the bar, I carefully “adjusted” these figures upwards of 10% to make them “more accurate”. So when I tell you the science is sound, trust me, the science is sound!

I also called my old history prof at UNI, the one who went to Red China during the Vietnam War, since he had written a book, something he managed to mention at least 27 times per lecture. His advice: “Use lots of graphs and charts, bright colors, and shiny objects, as these lead the media and Hollywood celebrities to believe not only that your work is well-researched and scholarly but also that they can understand it.”

Then, best of all, I was invited to join a panel of prestigious scientists for what is known as the “peer-review” process. Not to be a name dropper or anything, but my peers included some of the great scientific minds of our time; Whitehouse Alchemy & Astrology Czar Sue Doesiense, Sideshow Bob, former UN IPCC Chairman Rajendra Pachauri ,Wile E. Coyote (Super Genius), former East Anglican CRU Director Phil Jones, Cameron Diaz, suspended federal biologist Charles “Drowning Polar Bears” Monnett, Bobo the Chimp, Ben Affleck, Global Warming Poster Child Jim Hansen, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, and the ever-popular Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his faithful assistant Beaker.

We all sat at a big round table at some university with ivy growing on the walls of the buildings, so you know it was prestigious. We were each given a big rubber stamp that said “OK” and then we passed around our research studies. There were many brilliant titles such as Self-Flagellation: The Only Hope for the Industrialized West, The Carbon Tax: Totally Essential or Merely Desperately Needed? and Bush & Cheney: Evil Demons Personally Responsible for Global Warming. We would read the title and, if we agreed with the premise, stamp the cover “OK” and pass it on.

I felt pretty silly with all those footnotes I had included in my report, but I still enjoyed experience. The whole process only took 20 minutes from start to finish, leaving me plenty of time to go check out the co-eds on the quad. Unfortunately, this being an Ivy League university, they were all a bit hairy in the leg department, dressed like Chinese peasant women, and protesting something or other, so that wasn’t all that I had hoped for.

Anyway, my work, Dollars & Degrees: The Alarming Interrelation of Government Funding and Global Warming was well-received in the peer review process, as evidenced by the “OK” stamps on the cover sheet.

I was going to reproduce the work in full here at Das Blog, but even though capitalism is evil, I thought I would put my research into book form and have it published. Al says it’s just fine to make huge profits from global warming. It’s for the children.

To tide you over until the publication date, here are a few of the colorful graphs and charts I included, based upon computer models I personally programmed using the tried-and-true GIGO method.

As is clearly apparent in this graph, even so-called "reasonable reductions" in Federal grants for the study of global warming will cause worldwide temperatures to increase exponentially.

Conversely, exponential government spending only leads to a very slight reduction in global temperatures. Clearly, we must spend even more money in order to reduce global warming by significant levels.

Skeptics claim that climate change science is politically motivated, yet here we can plainly observe a dramatic projected increase in dead polar bears in conjunction with relatively minor increases in the Tea Party. Coincidence? I think not.

In fact, it is obvious in this chart that American politics, especially presidential elections, directly influence planetary health.

Anadyr, Siberia circa 2025 without the Carbon Tax. (Reuters.)

I hope the book sells well. After my Personal Methane Footprint Tax (I had skipped the catered peer-review luncheon of organic arugula, tofu, fava beans and endangered Chilean Seabass and had instead gone out for burritos, red cabbage and cauliflower) my $20 million grant only left me with $53.42 net.

And that damn Nobel medal is just cheap pewter with a thin coating of gold alloy plating that’s already wearing off from rubbing against the fuzzy dice and the air freshener.


Anonymous. “Save Gaia Yer Erth Muther”, spray painted message on I-90 overpass just outside of Bozeman, MT.

Cindy Lu, Mistress of the Occult. “Tell Your Fortune $5,” Memo for the record, Sweetgrass County Fair, 4 July 2011.

Couric, Katie. “I Hate That Bitch Palin”, CBS News Special In-Depth Investigative Report, 4 November 2008.

Cookie, Fortune. “Luncheon Buffet Special,” Wang Fu’s Pagoda of Wontons, Butt Butte, MT 9 April 2011.

Delphi, Oracle at. “Bunch of Greek Words”, Memo for the record. Mount Parnassus, Greece. 12 June 2010. Translation: Copious Amounts of Ouzo.

Dog, Buster the Wonder. “Woofs and scratches in the dirt”. Memo for the record, August 2, 2011.

Doobie, Stiff. Song Lyrics: Kyoto Requiem, Stiff Doobie and the Bongs, college grunge band, MSU, Missoula, MT, 2008.

Hippie, Old. Semi-legible Notes on a Cocktail Napkin, Joe’s Bar & Grill, Butte, MT 2011.

Left, Eileen. “We’re All Gonna Die if Obama Doesn’t Win,” Time Magazine, 1 November 2008.

Leghorn, Foghorn J. "Reading of entrails". Farmer Brown’s Barnyard, Gritsburg, AR. 1 May 2010.

Meditation, Zen. "Peaceful Thoughts in the Lotus Position", my backyard, July 25, 2011.

Eight-Ball, Magic. “Reply Hazy, Try Again”. Memo for the record, 12 July 2011.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Coming soon! Genetically altered Red Chinese worker bees marching in Tiananmen Square.

As we’ve noted a couple of times before in The War on Farmers, overbearing government agencies seem to be on a campaign to wipe out small, independent food producers. Who the hell do you think you are, dear serf, to think you can just grow or consume whatever the hell you want, such as raw milk, organic eggs, almonds and walnuts, raw honey, or anything else not approved by the legions of nameless and faceless bureaucrats trying to justify their own existence at the FDA and USDA. You can, of course, consume all of the “government-approved” industrialized genetically altered Frankenfood you wish though.

And you can have all the Red Chinese Honey you want, since it is smuggled in and repackaged by large corporations.


What’s wrong with Communist honey, other than the obvious?

Food safety investigators from the European Union barred all shipments of honey from India [China ships their honey through India and other countries to avoid paying U.S. import tariffs] because of the presence of lead and illegal animal antibiotics. Further, they found an even larger amount of honey apparently had been concocted without the help of bees, made from artificial sweeteners and then extensively filtered to remove any proof of contaminants or adulteration or indications of precisely where the honey actually originated.

Another favorite con among Chinese brokers was to mix sugar water, malt sweeteners, corn or rice syrup, jaggery, barley malt sweetener or other additives with a bit of actual honey. In recent years, many shippers have eliminated the honey completely and just use thickened, colored, natural or chemical sweeteners labeled as honey.

"We're supposed to have the world's safest food supply but we're letting in boatloads of this adulterated honey that all these other countries know is contaminated and FDA does nothing."

Not that I’m for international organizations of any kind, especially the worthless UN, but the FDA says it has its own regulations prohibiting foods banned in other countries (such as the 27 nations in the European Union alone) from entering the U.S. But an agency spokesperson said they, “would not know about honey that has been banned from other countries." Government double-speak or sheer incompetence at its best, or both; it’s hard to tell with Fed.gov. Note that, as always, the government never seems to have to obey its own rules. Imagine that.

The FDA said it's doing the best it can with existing resources and will do more when the newly passed Food Safety Modernization Act is up and running.

“Existing resources” is a code word for the “Agency wants more money”. Perhaps if they spared some of the army of “resources” they use for busting Amish dairy farmers or little kids raising rabbits or whole food stores or…you get the picture…they could actually do something useful, such as interdicting Commie honey. But I guess it’s more important to devote year-long stings and raids to go after Eli and his Holsteins and their whole milk while they don't seem to be bothered by Chinese cows genetically modified to produce human breast milk.

"It's better for you because it's genetically modified."

As for the Food Safety Modernization Act, it amounts to little more than a whole buttload of more of bureaucratic red tape, fees, paperwork, and fines which would of course require a buttload more funding and employees for the FDA. .

For instance, all food production facilities in the U.S. will be required to register with Uncle Sam. No food will be allowed to be grown, distributed or sold outside this bureaucratic framework unless the FDA allows it. Any food that is distributed or sold outside of U.S. government control will be considered illegal smuggling.

Your annual “registration fee” will most likely be ruinously expensive for non-industrialized small timers. S. 510 will also give the FDA the power to conduct warrantless searches of the business records of small food producers and organic farmers, even if there has been no evidence at all that a law has been broken.

The bill will also place all U.S. food and all U.S. farms under the Department of Homeland Security in the event of a major "contamination" or an "emergency". What exactly would constitute a "contamination" or an "emergency"? Mind your own beeswax, peasant. It’s whatever the hell Fed.gov says it is, at the moment. Kind of like how the ATF can define a shoestring…I kid you not...as a “machine gun”.

Speaking of definitions, despite inquiries from agricultural groups and senators, the FDA refuses to even issue a definition of what they consider honey.

"If we had an official description of honey then FDA would have to inspect everything we're importing to ensure it's legal. That's the last thing we want to do.”

Oh, obviously.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Completely un-retouched photo: Rueters

Here at Das Blog, we try to keep our reader(s) informed with the latest and most accurate information we can. Unlike the mainstream media, we refuse to use less-than-reliable sources such as Ouija boards, mumbling street people, chicken entrails, those “Magic 8 Ball” thingies, George Soros, or Obama Regime press releases.

So, as a service to our readers, we decided to bring you the news before it’s the news. That’s right, Ben and I traveled forward in time ten years into the future. The means by which we did so are quite complex, and I don’t wish to bore you with technical details. Suffice to say it involved banned Russian energy drinks, copious amounts of vodka, a hot tub and cameos by Chevy Chase.

At any rate, we traveled forward in time to find that Barack Obama, with the full support of the media, had installed himself as Dictator-for-Life for as long as it took to “combat the economic crisis caused by the Bush Administration”. We arrived just in time for a speech by Obama, since he was three hours and forty two minutes late, on the occasion of the down-grading of the U.S.’s credit rating…again….to D-. We viewed and recorded the speech he gave at Chicago’s new Mao Tse Tung Memorial Plaza.

THE PRESIDENT: Allah Akbar and good afternoon, everybody. I would like to point out before I begin my speech that the first ten people who stop applauding will be shot. Ha-ha, just kidding, just a little Stalinesque humor for you to lighten the mood. Only the first three people will be shot.

Anyway, last Friday, we learned that the United States received a downgrade by every credit rating agency on the planet-- not so much because they think we have become a failed festering Third World Socialist hellhole, but because, after witnessing the fanatical domestic terrorism of a fringe group calling themselves “citizens” actually saying aloud that we should not be spending so much money, they think we are spending too much money. Their cra-a-a-zzy ideas have forced the credit rating agencies to think we’re all a bunch of kooks. We are not. Only anyone who opposes me and my policies is a kook. A kook like a certain former president I could mention, who left the economy in shambles for me to fix. Just ask Chris Matthews.

The downgrading of our credit by every rating agency on earth, including the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe, from a DD to a D- is indeed troubling since we have been working so hard to correct the mistakes of past administrations. I do not believe I should have to shoulder any of the blame for anything. Ever. It’s somebody else’s fault. Somebody whose name starts with a “B” and ends with an “H”, if you get my drift.

Our economy is still strong and flourishing. That’s why I chose to give this speech in my old hometown of Chicago. As you can see behind me, it is a vibrant and growing community devoid of social injustice and economic problems, due, of course, to my brilliant salvation from unenlightened administrations of the past. Chicago sets a shining example and beacon of hope, proving the age-old dream of a Workers’ Paradise can indeed come true. This is why the rest of the world still looks to us for financial leadership, especially Somalia, Yemen and Mozambique. But we must take yet another step.

I am here to assure you that raising this country’s debt limit to a new level of 865 hillion bazillion dollars, or roughly 23 Chinese Yuan, is no big deal; merely a continuing solution to the problems left us by other administrations. Our good friends the Chinese have assured me they will lend us the money, and still allow myself and my family to reside in the Whitehouse.

Without increasing the debt limit, the green shoots of our recovering economy, as evidenced by only 250,000 new claims for unemployment claims last month when we were predicting 250, 210, cannot continue to flourish. Without raising the debt limit, our strong resurgence and new vitality in beating this quintuple-dip recession, a recession started by someone else I might add, could be hindered.

To make sure this recovery continues, I have formed the President’s Special Super-Secret Chocho-Fudgie Economic Study Committee, to aid the other 83 existing Economic Study Committees in studying the problem of the economy.

In addition, I am, along with my faithful toadies in Congress, proposing what we are calling Stimulus Bill XXIV, none of which is actually written down. This measure will cost a trifling 82 gazillion dollars, and is expected to create up to 27 new part-time seasonal jobs in the gulag security and money-printing fields to further stimulate the economy. My critics claim that just because these stimulus plans did not work the past twenty three times we tried them it won’t work this time. My critics are still making this claim, but no one can hear them now in the gulags.

Yes, our country does have some troubling aspects which have carried over from previous administrations. Whiny right wing fanatics snivel that the people want “jobs” or “food” or “shelter” rather than additional social programs to enhance cultural awareness and community organizing. What do they know? They’re just a bunch of extremist wackos standing in the way of progress, playing political football with the future of our nation for their own greedy ends. They are using a time of crisis as a bargaining chip, as a poker hand, as saber rattling, to foment a false sense of urgency and resentment amongst their brainless followers out in those other 57 states which do not have publicly-funding Interpretive Lenninist Dance Theater. Out there in those states in the middle, the extremists calling themselves “citizens” still cling bitterly to bizarre, antiquidated concepts like “God” and “rights” and the “Constitution”, and are still impeding our progress towards the goal of a Socialist Utopia. Well, screw them. With ACORN now running the Federal Election Commission, I don’t need those hicks; I have things sewn up with the Dead & Fictitious Persons’ vote every time.

Yes, we do face legitimate sources of concern in the future, because of mistakes made in the past. But, as always--and the media will parrot this endlessly for me--there is good news from my administration. Our problems are eminently solvable, but we—and by we I mean the six remaining private companies still operating in the United States—must work harder. We must dig deeper. We must accept an additional 82% tax on income, buying and selling, construction, property, charity, inheritance, food, water, and air. We know you are willing to make these sacrifices for the good of my administration; otherwise Janet Napolitano will arrange for Vito and Vinny to come over for an “audit”.


PRESIDENT: Um…uh…well. Ah…hope. And…um…ah change. Er, Bush’s fault. And…uh…thingies. Um…need a smoke. For the…uh….er…lederhosen. And…uh…racism…er…and the…Allah. With…um…not my fault. Ah...hope…er…change…ah…the future…um…Thank you very much.

At this point, the rioting mobs broke through the concrete barriers, concertina wire and minefields of the so-called Love Curtain, which was funded by reducing the Border Patrol to three part-time guards. The President’s Chinese Communist Forces Honor Guard then opened fire with RPGs and machine guns as the President continued to smile and wave from his bullet-proof dome while his toadies and groupies continued to applaud enthusiastically until crushed beneath the tank treads.

We would have stayed longer to bring you more important future news, but our dwindling supply of vodka and energy drinks forced us to return to the present.

The future doesn’t look good, folks. Next time, if we can find more illicit Russian energy drinks, we’ll probably time travel to the past. And stay there.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011


LINKIE to a bunch of info (manual, article, specs, illustrations, bore-sight target) I put together all in one basket regarding the SUIT for my fellow FALcohalics.

Dirty Gertie from Bizerte
Had a SUIT-ie with which to shootie
Put the JBT's
In a world of hurtie.


Monday, August 08, 2011


No Chance of Default, US Can Print Money: Greenspan

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan on Sunday ruled out the chance of a US default following S&P's decision to downgrade America's credit rating.

"The United States can pay any debt it has because we can always print money to do that. So there is zero probability of default" said Greenspan on NBC's Meet the Press.

Yeah, that worked out so well for the Weimar Republic and Zimbabwe, we ought to try it too.

Saturday, August 06, 2011


Unless you live under a rock, or only watch PMSNBC, you know that US dollar has been down-graded from its AAA rating. What you may not remember was that back in April of this year our pal Timothy "Harvey Nigel Baines" Geithner, the only tax cheat smart enough to fix the economy, promised that there was "no risk" that the US would lose its top credit rating.

The media has forgotten these, along with many other such phrases they used to repeat endlessly, such as, "Read my lips." and "It's the economy, stupid." Let's take just a quick peek at a few of the other Obama Regime assurances we've heard over the past few years which slipped through the selective fingers and memory of the Propaganda Ministry.

Campaign Obama promised "the most transparent administration ever", "sunshine before signing", and that every piece of non-emergency legislation would be available to the public on the Internet for five days before signing. Nine days in office, he signed his first of many bills without posting it on-line. And by the way, Mr. Transparency’s very first Executive Order, #13489, was to seal all his own records.

I love this one: “We need tougher border security, and a renewed focus on busting up gangs and traffickers crossing our border. . . . That begins at home, with comprehensive immigration reform. That means securing our border and passing tough employer enforcement laws.”

On 17 November 2008 Obama reiterated his campaign promises to close Guantanamo Bay "upon taking office."

In January of 09, the Holier-than-thou Anointed One said of his Regime that lobbyists need not apply, that he would enforce, "the strongest ethics standards in U.S. government history." Well, unless they were a couple of dozen "ethics waivers" given to special lobbyists and tax cheats.

February of 09 was a big month for the Messiah, as the Hypocrite-in-Chief promised to cut the U.S. deficit in half and that: "I refuse to leave our children with a debt they cannot repay. We cannot and will not sustain deficits like these without end. ... We cannot simply spend as we please."

"This is the rule that families across this country follow every single day, and there's no reason their government shouldn't do the same," he said. "You don't pay what you don't have."

We should all remember, $838 billion later, "Pass my stimulus bill and unemployment will never go over 8%." He later complained that the terrible unemployment rates were due to "huge layoffs of government workers" at federal, state and local levels, despite the $838 billion. By "huge layoffs" he meant temporary census workers, a vital sector of the economy.

Speaking of the "stimulus" bill, here are some more whoppers which would not seem credible in conjunction with the afore-mentioned monstrosity.

“We will launch a sweeping effort to root out waste, inefficiency, and unnecessary spending in our government, and every American will be able to see how and where we spend taxpayer dollars by going to a new website called recovery.gov.”

"If we see money being misspent, we're going to put a stop to it, and we will call it out and we will publicize it."

Here's a few quotes from Dear Leader that would seem incongruous with a 2,000 page "healthcare reform" bill that absolutely no one in government read in its entirety, and certainly not before they voted on it:

"I want to go line by line through every item in the Federal budget and eliminate programs that don't work, and make sure that those that do work work better and cheaper."

"Instead of allowing lobbyists to slip big corporate tax breaks into bills during the dead of night, we will make sure every single tax break and earmark is available to every American online."

"I will not sign health insurance reform that adds even one dime to our deficit over the next decade."

It's bad enough when reality contradicts Dear Leader, but the man courageous enough to stand by his convictions and show up for better than half of the votes (and vote “present” on 129 of the times when he actually showed up) during his vast 150 days of experience as an Illinois Senator, can't help but contradict himself either.

FLIP: “We can, then, more effectively deal with what I consider to be one of the greatest threats to the United States, to Israel, and world peace, and that is Iran.”

FLOP: “Iran, Cuba, Venezuela, these countries are tiny . . . They don’t pose a serious threat to us..."

FLIP: “I am not a nuclear energy proponent.”

FLOP: One year later: “I actually think we should explore nuclear power as part of the energy mix." "[It is] worth investigating its further development.”

And my all-time favorite…

FLIP: Senator Obama: “The fact that we are here today to debate raising America’s debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. It is a sign that the U.S. Government can’t pay its own bills. It is a sign that we now depend on ongoing financial assistance from foreign countries to finance our Government’s reckless fiscal policies.”

FLOP: President Obama, via Whitehouse spokesman: "The consequences ... of failure to raise the debt ceiling would be Armageddon-like in terms of the economy."

"He realizes now that raising the debt ceiling is so important to the health of this economy and the global economy that it is not a vote that, even when you are protesting an administration's policies, you can play around with.”

"You need to take very seriously the need to raise the debt limit so that the full faith and credit of the United States government is maintained around the globe."

As if the past and present aren’t enough to peg out Barack’s Bullshit Meter, no doubt the future will too, when he makes statements like:

“The man next to me, Ben Bernanke, has led the Fed through one of the worst financial crises that this nation and the world has ever faced. As an expert on the causes of the Great Depression, I’m sure Ben never imagined that he would be part of a team responsible for preventing another. But because of his background, his temperament, his courage, and his creativity, that’s exactly what he has helped to achieve.”

Yes, there are more we could list, but we are already far beyond the attention span of the average American voter, so we'll wrap up with one quote you should remember and heed.

“There are severe limits to the good that the government can do for the economy, but there are almost no limits to the harm it can do.”

Milton Friedman