WASHINGTON D.C., 2017: The sky is black with smoke and people go about outside with respirators on. Flames lick the skyline in all direction. Vandals and Visogoths plunder the streets. The smoke cloud can be seen as far away as China. The "leaders" of these United States heroically gather for another historic bi-partisan conference to discuss whether maybe something should be done.
Zero Nero puts down his fiddle. “That’s uh uh uh a little ditty Bill Ayers wrote um under the pen name Barack Obama. The song is uh called Brother, Can You Spare 800 Hillion Bajillion Dollars.”
“That’s not funny. Eight hundred hillion bajillion bucks is almost 40 Yuan. With our credit rating, I don’t think even George Soros will give us that much,” worries the token GOP left-leaning RINO Moderate, reaching across the aisle. Zero Nero slaps his hand.
“Always with the negative waves, Mitt.” Zero takes a big drag on his joint and shakes his head. “Always with the negative waves.”
“Next he’ll be wanting to cut the School Lunch, Breakfast, Supper, Midnight Snack and Free Abortion Program and starve the children!” Nancy shrieks shrilly. “That is out of the question!”
“People, please,” Says little Timmy the Tax Cheat, formerly the only man smart enough to fix the economy. “We’re here to discuss the raging inferno out there that the media is becoming unable to suppress. We need to pretend we’re doing something about it, or least give the impression that we have a clue. So shut up, Mitt.”
“The proper way to say it,” Rahm huffs. “Is shut the [expletive deleted] up, Mitt, you [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted].
“Rahm, what in Allah's name are you doing back here?” asks spiritual advisor former Reverend now Imam Al. “I thought you were in Chicago with my colleague Jeremiah.”
“Chicago is a smoldering [expletive deleted] ash heap. I thought I would be of more use back here in Sodom on Potomac.”
“Pwease,” says Bawney. “We’we hewe to discuss that waging infewno outside. Why just yestewday, the peasants made it acwoss my moat and Igor almost wan out of buwning pitch! My fweind Bwuce was having a sweep-over, and he was tewwibly fwightened.”
“Bawney’s Wight.” Rham says. “[Expletive deleted]! Now you’ve got me talking like that you [expletive deleted] fop!”
“Stop uh it! We have to stop this um um ah bickering and find an answer to this economic downturn uh ah er which is not rebounding as quickly as uh uh expected.” Nero pulls back the curtain. “Just look at that.”
Outside, Chinese Repo men topple the Washington Monument and begin to haul away the granite blocks. A small crowd of ragged Americans tries to block their way, but a squadron of DHS Apache attack helicopters “disperses” them with cannon fire and rockets.
Even Zero winces. “Do we always have to use the um ah helicopters? What if some ah some ah some ah peasant films it on his cell phone and puts it on Youtube?”
Eric chuckles evilly, “What Youtube?”
“The one on the um Internet.”
Janet chuckles evilly, “What Internet?”
Eric chimes back in. “Yeah. Besides, those thirty millimeter cannons are using rubber ‘less lethal’ shells.”
“Less lethal than what?”
“B-52 carpet bombing, for one.”
“Back to the business at hand. What lies should we tell the people to give the illusion that we are doing something about this economic set-back which can be easily corrected with just one more stimulus plan?” Dingy Harry asks.
“Tee-hee,” titters Bawney. “You souwd wike Kewmit the Fwog with asthma.”
“Oh, you’re one to talk!”
“Hey! I know!” Zero Nero stands up. “We could ask TOTUS (Teleprompter of the United States). He’s um ah smarter than the rest of us here put together. I uh uh for one never did understand all this economic claptrap. Never have, never will.”
“Is that because you never had a real [expletive deleted] job or worked a day in your life?”
“That’s ridiculous. I worked hard as a community organizer.”
“I said a real [expletive deleted] job."
“But the economy!” Nancy shrieks shrilly, slabs of makeup the size of corn flakes cracking and falling off her face.
“Let’s blame Bush,” Zero says brightly.
“I don’t know. Not even Chris Matthews can say that with a straight face any more.” This from the Regime’s 48th Press Secretary.
“We can no longer just issue meaningless platitude press releases saying that green shoots are showing again or that Nero is focused like a laser on jobs. The Propaganda Ministry, er, I mean the objective mainstream media, only has 27 viewers left and a credibility rating of minus two percent.”
“Hey you [expletive deleted]. How would you like to be the [expletive deleted] forty-ninth ex press secretary? I’m sure Eric can [expletive deleted] get you to the head of the line on the gulag waiting list.”
“Yeah, Mister Smarty Pants.” Zero Nero adds. “Just ah um er how do you suggest we go through the ah ah ah er motions of pretending to put out the fire?”
“We could pour more gasoline on it.” Nancy shrieks shrilly.
“The public quit believing that after Stimulus XVII.”
“Uh, OK, how about napalm then?”
“Why don’t we stage a terrorist attack? The sheeple always come bleating to us and grovel in fear, begging us to take away any remaining freedoms which might have slipped through the cracks thus far.” Janet looks around smugly after this suggestion.
“I uh um er ah like it!”
“The problem is finding a credible target. All our population centers and infrastructure already lie in ruins. We could drop an H-Bomb and no one would notice.”
“I warned you once about those um um ah negative waves, Mitt. Don’t make me have Eric uh ah take you to the er Special Room.”
“How about our friends in Hollywood?” Dianne chirps. “They could make some more movies about a military take-over of the government or the terror of the McCarthy years to distract people.”
“Ah, circuses.” Nods Zero Nero. “We could um uh give them free popcorn in lieu of bread.”
“[Expletive deleted]! California was the first to [expletive deleted] go; they went under months ago. There’s nothing left in that [expletive deleted] place.”
“What about our uh er undocumented voter friends?”
“They went back to [expletive deleted] Mexico for more jobs and a higher standard of living.”
“We could tell the masses not to worry, that unemployment is still under ten percent by our figures.” Dingy Harry warbles.
Everyone in the room collapses onto the floor in fits of hysterical laughter.
Wiping tears of mirth from the corner of his eyes, Zero says, “Thanks for lightening the mood, Dingy. I needed a good laugh.” A thoughtful look comes over his face. “Uh, um you think it might actually still work?”
“But the real number is ninety three percent. Nobody but the media believes our ‘official’ numbers anymore.”
“Two words, Mitt,” growls Eric. “Special Room.”
Rifle fire rattles against the bulletproof windows.
“I thought we confiscated all uh er oh those damn things, Eric!”
“We did. Unfortunately, people are buying back all those guns we gave to Mexican drug cartels. They’re worth more per ounce than cocaine now.”
“We couldn’t have given them that many guns.”
“I know nutting!”
A flight of DHS fighter-bombers makes a low sweep over Pennsylvania Avenue dropping cluster bombs. The gunfire ceases for the moment.
“But, once more, what about our economic recovery program which has been un un unexpectedly slowed by the policies of Bush and Cheney?”
RP stands up in the back of the room. “We could follow the rule of law in the Constitution, stop spending like drunken sailors, cease funding ninety four percent of the UN and get the hell out of policing every other nation on earth.”
“[Expletive deleted]! How did that [expletive deleted] get in here? Guards!”
A platoon of DHS agents come stomping into the room in their jackboots, gleefully bludgeon RP repeatedly with night sticks, taser him four or five time, mace him, and then whomp on him some more with the nightsticks just for good measure. His limp form is dragged from the room.
“That was ridic ridic ah um silly! We’re here to offer the illusion of real solutions, not that terrorist outlawed hate speech ‘constitution’ [expletive deleted].”
“Need I remind you all that the Supreme Court, a wise Latina woman making it a 5-4 decision, has ruled that mentioning the constitution, especially the first amendment, is considered hate speech and thus unconstitutional. You can be shot for it.”
“But what are we going to do?” Nancy shrieks shrilly.
“I just happen to [expletive deleted] have a nice little ten thousand acre ‘ranch’ in Venezula, with a dozen elaborate villas and a small thousand-man detail of ‘private security consultants’ with aircraft and [expletive deleted] tanks.”
Zero Nero brightens visibly. “My good friend uh ah er um Hugo tells me the climate is wonderful!”
“Pack your bags, everybody!” Michelle commands. “No need for you to pack any pants, dear. Call Air Force One. We’re outta here!”
A swarm of rats rushes through the room, fleeing the sinking ship. The entire assemblage jumps to their feet and pelt after them screaming, “We’re first! We’re first!”
Outside, the smoke grows thicker.