OSAMA: THE LOST INTERVIEW

Captured al Qaeda memorandums made public in a recent attempt to bolster President Obama’s floundering re-election numbers revealed that al Qaeda’s Press Secretary Adam Gadahn, member of the Keith Olberman and 60 Minutes Fan Clubs, advised Osama Bin Laden on which American news networks to manipulate to give his public image a ‘make-over.’

 

Gadahn was quoted as saying (we don’t even have to make this shit up):

"In general, and no matter what material we send, I suggest that we should distribute it to more than one channel, so that there will be healthy competition between the channels in broadcasting the material, so that no other channel takes the lead. It should be sent for example to ABC, CBS, NBC, and CNN and maybe PBS and VOA. As for Fox News, let her die in her anger."

He also batted his eyes and coyly added, “Chris Matthews makes my leg tingle.”

Here at Das Blog, we dug a little deeper and found an unreleased pre-recorded CBS News interview with Osama bin Laden himself. In preparation for al Qaeda detonating an Iranian-made nuclear device in Washington, D.C. during the 2010 midterm elections, Katie Couric interviewed bin Laden to discuss his reasoning behind the attack. However, while American intelligence agencies were knitting ‘diversity quilts’ and distributing free assault weapons to Mexican drug runners, Israeli Mossad agents intercepted and killed the suicide bombers before they could detonate their device.

While the segment never aired after that embarrassing development, BBB managed to obtain a transcript of the unreleased interview.

 

Katie: Joining us here live in the CBS News Room is our very special guest, Osama bin Laden. Good evening, Mr. bin Laden, and thank you for making yourself available at a time when you must understandably be very busy.

Osama: Put a veil on, will you bitch?

Katie: Tee-hee. It is crucial that we inject a little levity at a time when our nation mourns.

Osama: We would stone you to death for wearing that skirt, slut.

Katie: Mr. bin Laden, your team of peace-loving Muslim Community Organizers recently exploded a nuclear bomb in Washington, D.C. causing, at last count, some ten million casualties. Would you care to elaborate on your reasoning behind this legitimate if somewhat extreme protest demonstration?

Osama: Of course. Why do you think we booked this interview? As you know, the Great Satan must be wiped from the face of the earth and all you filthy Infidels killed or converted to the One True Religion. We figured ten million of you imperialist Yankee pig-dogs was a good start.

Katie: Aren’t you worried that your actions may make it more difficult for the American Mainstream Media to portray Islam as the Religion of Peace?

Osama: Do you honestly believe I give a camel’s scrotum what you Infidels think? Besides, your MSM is so biased and self-flagellating we know you’ll make sure this protest does not tarnish our image.

Katie: Those bastards over at Fox News are making allegations that certain key American leaders were warned beforehand of the attack.

Osama: Fox News die! Die! DIE! Infidel capitalist sons of a motherless goat!

Katie: Yes, I think we can all agree on that point. But what about their allegations?

Osama: Nonsense. It was mere coincidence that the president, his cabinet, Congressional Democrats, and members of the MSM were invited to a curdled camel milk tasting and Kalashnikov demonstration to mark the grand opening of our new line of Grind ‘n’ Roast Yankee Coffee Shops in Detroit at the time.

Katie: Well, your word is good enough for me. Thank you for joining us here this evening. After the break, we’ll bring you a few gratuitous and obligatory slaps at the Tea Party and another of my personal jabs at Sarah Palin.