Tuesday, May 01, 2012

BARACK OBAMA...THE MOVIE




Coming soon, 99% of Hollywood, in association with the Mainstream Media, presents the dramatic tale of the daring young American President who put an end to the War on Terror—single-handedly!

Based on true events.








OPERATION RE-ELECTION RESCUE




INT. THE WAR ROOM—NIGHT

Be-medaled GENERAL, looking like George C. Scott as Patton, rushes into room wringing hands and squealing like a school girl. Faces silhouette of shadowy figure smoking a cigarette.

GENERAL
(terrified)
Mr. President! We have big trouble!

POSTUS
(snubbing out cigarette and reading from TOTUS)
Unemployment numbers again? I told you, just move a couple of decimal points around and issue a press release.

GENERAL
(wringing his hands and trembling)
No, sir. It’s Afghanistan!

POTUS
(bored, reading from TOTUS)
No problem! We’ll invade Pakistan, like I said during the campaign.

GENERAL
(weeping openly now)
You don’t understand, sir. Osama bin-Laden has risen from the grave and is leading an army of zombies to attack the UN. Our troops and all the peace-loving Muslims of the land are powerless to stop them!

POTUS
(hugging general and patting him on the back, reading from TOTUS)
Looks like I’ll have to handle this myself! Good thing I’m in command and not Romney. That radical right-wing extremist fascist Mormon pussy wouldn’t have the guts to take this one on.

GENERAL
Oh thank you, Great One! Thank you for saving us!

POTUS
(Rips off suit to reveal oiled naked chest. Stands in front of mirror and flexes mightily. Pouts.)
Damn! I wish I had arms like Michelle’s.

POTUS
(reading from TOTUS)
Quick! To Batmobile One!


INT. CHEESY REPLICA OF C-47 FUSELAGE--NIGHT.

Hulking SEALS with cammo-painted faces and scads of weaponry everywhere huddle nervously around POTUS.

POTUS
(Snapping Blackberry shut and reading from TOTUS)
That’s my plan. It’s utterly brilliant, if I do say so myself, but risky, and some of you may not come back. But I’ve got to do it. The next four years lie at stake!

SEAL DEMI
I thought you said bin Laden had to be captured alive and given a fair trial?

POTUS
Shaddup. That was ’08 when I was pandering to the Far Left vote.

SEAL ROCK
I’m scared Mr. President!

POTUS
(Compassionately, patting ROCK on shoulder, reading from TOTUS)
We’re all scared the first time around, son…It’s that second term that’s a real bitch. But don’t worry. Stick with me and I’ll get your through this.

LOUDSPEAKER
Drop Zone approaching. Jump in ten seconds. Ten…nine…eight…

SEAL NORRIS
(stands up, hooks up, shuffles to the door)
For God and Country!

POTUS
(Draws ridiculously huge silver-plated .50 Auto-Mag and shoots SEAL NORRIS in the head. Reading from TOTUS.)
A traitor in our midst! The mission must be sabotaged! Jump now!

EXT. DARK SKY—NIGHT.

SEALS dropping through the darkness; tracer bullets and flak bursts keep narrowly missing them all around.

SEAL AHNOLD
(shrieking and crying)
Help me, Barack! Help me! My chute didn’t open!

POTUS
(Reading from TOTUS)
Here, take mine. I can ride my ears the rest of the way down.

SEAL AHNOLD
Oh thank you, sir! You saved my life! What a hero you are!

POTUS
Damn, I wish I could remember my lines like that.

EXT. BARREN MOUNTAINSIDE ROCKS--NIGHT.

SEALS huddle behind cover of boulders, ducking from endless swarms of bullets, grenades and RPGs hitting all around them.

SEAL DEMI
Dear Leader! We’re pinned down, sir! What can we do?

SEAL ROCKY
I want my mommy!

POTUS
(Reading from TOTUS)
 If I can take out that tank, we can break out of this trap!

SEAL ROCK
 But SEAL NORRIS had our only bazooka.

POTUS
(Chuckling, reading from TOTUS)
Leave that to me. I’ve been known to shoot a little hoop in my time.

POTUS unpins grenade, lofts it in a high arc right into the open commander’s hatch of the al Qaeda Zombie T-72. Tank explodes in giant mushroom cloud of fuel-air special effects.

SEALS
Yeah for the President!

POTUS
(Reading from TOTUS)
Turn left and follow me!

SEALs blast their way through hundreds of al Qaeda zombies with endless-feed full auto weapons and lots of explosions.

POTUS
(reading from TOTUS)
This is it! This is bin Laden’s secret cave hideout.

SEAL ROCK
Are you going to sit down and speak face to face with him and work out our differences?

POTUS
(reading from TOTUS)
No time! November is coming!

SEAL ROCKY
(gasping)
You mean…you mean…you’re going to take him out yourself?

POTUS
(reading from TOTUS)
I have to. It’s the only way. You extras stay here and cover me.

INT.—DARK CAVE. POTUS CHARGES INTO CAVE. KILLS SEVERAL DOZEN AL QEADIA ZOMBIES WITH A COMBINATION OF MACHINE GUNS, STALACTITIES AND KUNG-FU, LOSING ALL WEAPONS EXCEPT FOR A GIANT GLEAMING RAMBO KNIFE IN THE PROCESS. OSAMA SLIPS FROM THE SHADOWS, AIMS AN RPG AT POTUS.

OSAMA
So, we meet at last American Yankee capitalist imperialist Pig Dog

POTUS
(bowing to OSAMA and reading from TOTUS)
 I apologize for the evils of my country, the Great Satan. But I need just four more years to turn it into the perfect Socialist utopia and Muslim caliphate. I’m not going to let you or anyone else stand in my way.

OSAMA
Hell, that’s a cause worth dying for. You can do a lot more damage than I can. Here I come, virgins! Allah Ahkbar!

OSAMA PUTS RPG DOWN HIS PANTS AND PULLS THE TRIGGER. GIANT EXPLOSION.

POTUS
(chuckling)
How convenient. No body.

SEAL TEAM runs into the cave, sweating and staggering, battered and bloody.

SEALS
“You did it! Hoo-ray!”

POTUS
(reading from TOTUS)
You’d better get those wounds looked at soon with your own money. I’m cutting Active Duty and VA medical care to provide it for Unionized Defense Department employees instead.

SEAL AHNOLD
Help me! My leg! I can’t walk!

POTUS, easily throwing a crying AHNOLD over one shoulder, leads the team to the helicopter LZ. SEALS struggle onto Blackhawk gasping with relief.

SEAL DEMI
(wiping brow)
That was the toughest mission ever! Thank God that’s over!

POTUS
(reading from TOTUS)
 Don’t thank God, thank me!

SEAL WILLIS
(relieved)
We can go home in peace! The War on Terror is over!

POTUS
(reading from TOTUS)
It ain’t over till I say it’s over. Now we face an even more perilous threat from within…the Hutaree Militia!

FADE TO BLACK 

Watch for the exciting upcoming sequel Operation Re-election Rescue II: Tea Party Terror. Coming to your television newscasts well before November 8th.


4 comments:

Steve Finnell said...

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Charles said...

1. I wet myself.
2. It's my understanding that service men must render customs and courtesies to TOTUS, plus it has its own Secret Service detachment.
3. I'd love to see Barry in a remake of Dr. Strangelove. Yes it would be weird, but the last line of the movies would definitely remain unchanged: "Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!"

Bawb said...

You're a warped SOB Charlie, but I have to admit the more I think about it, the more I like the Dr. Strangelove remake.

Another line that would stay the same: "Gentlemen! You can't fight in here! This is the War Room!"

Or maybe Obama and Osama on the Red Phone Hotline...

TOTUS on the Red Phone, speaking to Osama through POTUS: Hello? Ah...er…Osama. Osama? Listen…um. Could you move to…uh…another room? I can’t hear you over the screaming. Ah. That’s better. Listen, Osama…uh, I’m fine. How are you? Good. Uh…we have a problem, Osama. What? No, this is a friendly call. Um, listen Osama. Please. How can I…um…get you to stop killing Americans? Surrender outright? I can’t do that…er…unless I get the lame duck second term. How about I give you Czechoslovakia? Would you…uhhh…promise to be good then? Yes? I can take your word on that? No more crashing planes? No more WMDs? Good. That’s very good of you, Osama. Yes. The Great Satan thanks you. No, no. Uh, not another dozen be-headings for ‘old time’s sake. Well, if you insist. Thank you, Osama. Oh, yes, um, alright. Allah Akbar to you too!

Charles said...

1. Pot calling the kettle black!?!
2. I only do what the voices tell me to do to avoid the headaches.
3. Don't worry about me wetting myself. I use second hand Depends I get out of a dumpster.
4. My only fear of a remake of Dr. Strangelove is that the warped, psychotic politicos and hollywood types would take the title literally. You should be imagining distressed animal sounds like "Baa, baa, bad Obama" and "Woof, woof. Bis sis likes it woof".
5. Bad Charlie. Bad, bad, bad. Go put on your foil hat and get counseling from the Wall People.