TEST YOUR FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT KNOWLEDGE

Well boys and girls, it would appear that by some governmental error the DOJ thinks I'm still a Junior Pine Cone Pig, so I received this notice in my email. I thought I would pass on this message from "behind enemy lines" so you can see what the Federal Alphabet Soup Agencies are up to.

From the Office of Eric Heinrich Holder, the Big Cheese

Achtung!

Although we have come a long way in this country under the progressive and enlightened governance of our Dear Leader Barack, we still have a long way to go to bring justice to this nation. The latest scandal involving Secret Service personnel caught engaging in activities which should be reserved for former Washington, D.C. mayors highlights the many obstacles we have to face in our quest for equality and social justice. 

My moles have made me aware of many other dangerous hurdles we at fed.gov must clear...non-Union workers, profiling, an insufficient number of security screeners, and a lack of respect for our Muslim employees just because they are members of Al Qaeda and keep planting bombs in the Edward R. Murrow Building.

To root out these divisive and perilous malcontents, my flunkies have devised this simple test to determine if you are a good Federal employee or a dangerous Right-wing Extremist Wacko Nutjob and a threat to the very lifeblood of our country. Remember, you must grade each others papers so that the results may be reported to the proper authorities.

Good luck on your test.

Which of the following statements is Hate-Speech?

 A."Remember Eric [Cantor]...our judgment time, the final Yom Kippur has been given. You are a liar, you're a Lucifer, you're a pig, a greedy f**king pig, you're an abomination, you receive my bullets in...your office, remember they will be placed in your heads. You and your children are Lucifer's abominations.

B:."The evaporation of four million who believe in this crap[Christianity] would leave this world a better place."

C:"There is a sound case to be made for dropping a tactical nuclear weapon on the Cuban section of Miami. The move would be applauded heartily by most Americans.

D:“It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She's having so much sex she can't afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex."

 

Which of the following statements should be prosecuted as a Terroristic Threat?

A:      “A war is coming. At stake: our lives, the planet, freedom, living. The government, the corporations, and the extreme right are prepared to coalesce into an Axis of Evil. Are you going to fight back? Will you do whatever it takes, including taking up arms?”

B:      “And we shouldn’t talk to them, try to persuade them. We should burn them down. We should go after them with pitchforks, knives, guns, clubs we find, mace—anything…”

C:      "I'm proud to be here with people who understand that it's more than just sending an email to get you going. Every once and awhile you need to get out on the streets and get a little bloody when necessary."

D:      I believe in my right to keep and bear arms.”

Which of the following statements is Racist?

A:                          “We gotta do it, we have to cross the Red Sea, not some sea in Middle East part of the world, we’re talking about some blood, go through some blood, some battles. There are those who wish they could stand in this hour to see the destruction of the devil’s world, not some dud under the ground with a pitchfork, I’m talking about blonde-haired, blue-eyed sometimes brown-eyes Caucasion.”

B:                          “I hate white people! All of them! You want freedom, you gonna have to kill some crackers! You gonna have to kill some of their babies!”

C:                          “The goal of abolishing the White race in on its face so desirable that some may find it hard to believe that it could incur any opposition other than from committed White Supremacists…Keep bashing the dead White males, and the live ones, and the females, too, until the social construct known as the White race is destroyed. Not deconstructed, but destroyed.”

D:                          “The zoo has an African lion, the Whitehouse has a lyin’ African.”

Which of the following statements is a call of violence?

 A: “Put the bang right into a cracker’s face…and if you’re going to bang, bang for black power… hang a cracker [unintelligible] . . .if you’re going to bang, bang on the white devil. . . . burying him near the river bank with the right shovel. . . . community revolution in progress…. banging for crackers to go to hell, we don’t need em.”

B:"I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them.

C:“If you want blood (YOU GOT IT) BLOOD on the streets BLOOD on the rocks BLOOD in the gutter, EVERY LAST DROP, YOU WANT BLOOD you got it yes you have!”

D:“No second term for that Socialist idiot Obama.”

Which of the following is NOT a legitimate form of civil discourse?

 A:

 

 B:

 C:

 

D:

If you answered anything except "D" for every question, you are a vile, violent homophobic racist Right-wing Hate-Monger. Clean out your desk and report immediately to your nearest Re-Education Officer to get your mind right. Remember, you are only allowed one piece of luggage on the train.

I KNOW you will all join me next week to inaugurate my new program "The Daily Hate."

Together, we can make a difference! Or else!

Sincerely,

Obergruppenfuhrer Herr Eric Heinrich Holder