CHICAGO JOB MARKET...GREEN SHOOTS!

Oh no! There's no election with a (D) candidate in sight, you're down to your last half a pack of free DNC-brand smokes and your next check doesn't come until the end of the month. What to do, what to do?

Don't worry your useless little mouths, liberal friends. Hope is here again! You can earn $9-$11 per hour as a Paid Demonstrator! While not quite as lucrative as our Paid Multiple Voter positions, Paid Demonstrators can look forward to work year-round, even during non-election years. Benefits include free bus rides, left-over election cigarettes, cheap liquor of your choice, and various "spontaneous" signs, placards and T-shirts you can take home to wear/live under. Particularly unruly participants may be eligible for our extended all-you-can-loot benefits package. We are an equal-opportunity employer and do not discriminate on the basis of race, gender, faith (except Christian), intelligence, disability, incoherence, or personal hygiene. Conservatives of any race or gender need not apply. All earnings are, of course, tax free although our labor union representative Vito the Grinder will be there to strongly encourage donations to the SEIU Charity Fund. Just look for the guy with a purple suit and no neck.

So, when fraudulent voting just isn't enough, think Paid Protestor!

(Hey Ben, maybe you and the family can head up to Chicago next weekend and make a little extra bread?)

GREEN ZONES & YELLOW JOURNALISM

My wife knows I love war movies. Correction, historically accurate war movies, something you just don’t see anymore unless John Milius can slip one in via HBO. Anyway, she got us the movie Green Zone on Netflix, with Matt Damon. Babyface just doesn’t cut it for me as an action hero, BTW. Not the like 80’s action heroes…Stallone, Willis, Norris, Arnie…who would have kicked his ass. And still can, including Clint. As for the movie, it was about as pathetic as I figured it would be. Not to worry. I won’t bother with a movie review. For those of you who haven’t seen it, don’t. For those of you who have seen it, may God have mercy on your soul.

They did appear to get a few things right. Namely, our foreign policy is a muddled, contradictory, uncoordinated fuster cluck. Not that this is any kind of new development. Egyptian President Nasser explained our foreign policy well way back in the 1960’s. “The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them which we are missing.” Bad as foreign policy may have been under Bush, it has only gone rapidly and swiftly downhill since the Messiah reared his empty head. If he has even a semi-coherent foreign policy, other than insulting the Brits and shitting on the Israelis, he has apparently hidden it from even himself.

Anyway, the heart of the movie’s plot involves Greg Kinnear (small part, and he couldn’t save this movie) as an obviously Bush administration high-level official who tips off a reporter about Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq prior the invasion. Why, it wasn’t true! And Damon, as a Warrant Officer (WTF?) leading a platoon in combat, figures it all out and takes the reporter to task for not confirming and verifying her source! Oh, the horror! How could a media personality possibly take any source at face value without investigating the story!?!? I’m sure this was a shocking revelation to anyone who’s lived under a rock for the past 30 years.

An example which springs immediately to mind is Obama’s membership in the Socialist Party. His worshippers and the MSM (but I repeat myself) went out of their way to deny it and attempt to crucify anyone who even mentioned it as a crackpot, racist hate-monger. When Obama’s bald-faced lies and denials by themselves weren’t deemed enough, his minions came up with the official Obama “Fight the Smears” website so people could narc on fellow proles who might repeat the “lie”. It became a “myth”. AP even went so far as to use their vast information gathering services to dig deep and do an “in-depth fact-checking investigation” op-ed piece to disprove the legend once and for all.

Two weeks after AP’s exhaustive research concluded, “Recently obtained evidence from the updated records of Illinois ACORN at theWisconsin Historical Society now definitively establishes that Obama was amember of the New Party. He also signed a “contract” promising to publiclysupport and associate himself with the New Party while in office.”

Did you ever even hear about that stunning revelation on the news? I thought not. Type “Obama Socialist” into a search engine and it still pops up with “Obama Socialist Party Myth”. The truth is out there, but it has been ostracized, buried and burned.

So, for you aspiring journalism students and college professors out there seeking to avoid any actual thought and/or investigative effort when writing a “news” piece or are simply looking for something to plagiarize, I will provide you with this simple list so you can know immediately whether or not a source of information is reliable.

SOURCES WHICH ARE THE GOSPEL TRUTH, 100% FACTUAL AND NEED NEVER BE VERIFIED IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM:

1. Obama Whitehouse press release
2. Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Chuck Shumer, Sheila Jackson Lee, etc. (See full list in Appendix A)
3. Any fellow Mainstream Media “journalist”
4. The Koran
5. Al Jazeera
6. Vague Internet rumors
7. Saturday Night Live skits
8. Ouija board
9. Southern Poverty Law Center
10. Reading of chicken entrails
11. Any union spokesperson
12. Hollywood celebrities
13. Tenured college professors
14. Three-word sound bite taken out of context
15. Communist dictators
16. Rabid jihadist spokesmen
17. Rappers
18. Snopes
19. Lawyers
20. Bobo the Wonder Chimp

SOURCES WHICH ARE COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY UNRELIABLE AND SHOULD NEVER BE USED EVEN IF INDEPENDENTLY VERIFIED THROUGH DOZENS OF OTHER SOURCES

1.      The Voice of God Himself booming down from the clouds

2.      The U.S. Constitution (except that “freedom of the press” bit)

3.      The Holy Bible

4.      Whitehouse press release when President does not have a (D) behind his/her name

5.      Anyone (Bush, Buchanan, Palin, Paul, Joe the Plumber, etc.) not listed in Appendix A.

6.      Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary

7.      Anything ever said on talk radio, especially by Rush Limbaugh

8.      Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary

9.      Encyclopedia Britannica

10.  Any police spokesperson

11.  Photographs (unless edited by Reuters)

12.  Audio recordings (unless edited by NBC)

13.  Video recordings (unless edited by CBS)

14.  Eyewitnesses

15.  Your own eyes

HE'S BAAACCCKKKK

As two or three of our more astute three readers may have noticed, Bawb has been MIA for quite some time. For those of you who guessed I was locked away in a re-education camp to “get my mind right”, you win a cookie. For some odd reason, shortly after I sent in an editorial letter to Time magazine mildly critical of Obama’s policies and their effects, I found hordes of purple-clad commandos rappelling down from Blackhawks hovering over my house. Before they hustled me away, I asked what the charges were. My answer was being clubbed into insensibility. I woke up in the Bill Ayers Re-Education Camp & Detox Center and given the grand title Prole #2546.

Despite all the assurances that this was for my own good, I didn’t really like it there, even if it is more of a resort or spa than an interment camp, or so say the Reeducation Counselors, punctuating their words by smacking the palms of their hands with billy clubs. Located right on the beach of the scenic Chukchi Sea on Alaska’s North Slope, natural beauty abounds during the three days a year it’s light enough to see it. Shopping for bare necessities is conveniently available only 640 air miles away at Prudhoe Bay. The resort offers inmates…er, I mean guests…such amenities as uninsulated tarpaper-covered barracks, an old and thin wool blanket and a central solar-powered heater which works much as you would expect it to up there. This deal is only available to U.S. citizens. If you’re a foreign terrorist you have to go to Gitmo and get a taxpayer-funded defense attorney, media representative and Koran.

When the snow got high enough to cover the perimeter fence (October 1st), I just walked out, whistling the theme song from The Great Escape. I wouldn’t have been so cheery if I had known what lay before me on my long trip back to Montana. Rather than bore you with a blow by blow, day by day, week by week, month by month account, I’ll just share…

THE TOP 10 LESSONS LEARNED WHILE ESCAPING FROM A RE-EDUCATION CAMP:

1. You remember how your mom used to tell you not to stick your tongue to the flagpole? She was right.
2. If you can sexually satisfy a Polar bear sow, she’ll let you den up with her to stay warm.
3. Just because you’re on Canadian soil doesn’t mean you’re safe from Predator drone strikes.
4. While hitch hiking on the North Slope, never, never, never turn down a ride because you’re hoping that the next rig to come along might be Lisa from Ice Road Truckers.
5. The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is not closed off to humans because of oil drilling.
6. Never team up for easier traveling with a guy named Sam McGee.
7. Every vehicle in Alaska contains a minimum of three firearms and they leave their doors unlocked. (Gabby Petersen, I’m sending you a cashier’s check for the Winchester.)
8. A Model 70 Winchester in .30-06 beats all the M16s and MP-5s and Glocks that can be thrown against it when visibility is 40 miles in all directions.
9. The Canadian border is more heavily guarded than the Mexican border and there are no kiosks dispensing pre-approved voter registration cards.
10. If you are arrested by the Canadian Border Patrol, just tell them you are a journalist there to do a story on the utopian successes of their socialized medicine and gun control systems. Escape while they are doubled over in fits of hysterical laughter.