- You remember how your mom used to tell you not to stick your tongue to the flagpole? She was right.
- If you can sexually satisfy a Polar bear sow, she’ll let you den up with her to stay warm.
- Just because you’re on Canadian soil doesn’t mean you’re safe from Predator drone strikes.
- While hitch hiking on the North Slope, never, never, never turn down a ride because you’re hoping that the next rig to come along might be Lisa from Ice Road Truckers.
- The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is not closed off to humans because of oil drilling.
- Never team up for easier traveling with a guy named Sam McGee.
- Every vehicle in Alaska contains a minimum of three firearms and they leave their doors unlocked. (Gabby Petersen, I’m sending you a cashier’s check for the Winchester.)
- A Model 70 Winchester in .30-06 beats all the M16s and MP-5s and Glocks that can be thrown against it when visibility is 40 miles in all directions.
- The Canadian border is more heavily guarded than the Mexican border and there are no kiosks dispensing pre-approved voter registration cards.
- If you are arrested by the Canadian Border Patrol, just tell them you are a journalist there to do a story on the utopian successes of their socialized medicine and gun control systems. Escape while they are doubled over in fits of hysterical laughter.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
As two or three of our more astute three readers may have noticed, Bawb has been MIA for quite some time. For those of you who guessed I was locked away in a re-education camp to “get my mind right”, you win a cookie. For some odd reason, shortly after I sent in an editorial letter to Time magazine mildly critical of Obama’s policies and their effects, I found hordes of purple-clad commandos rappelling down from Blackhawks hovering over my house. Before they hustled me away, I asked what the charges were. My answer was being clubbed into insensibility. I woke up in the Bill Ayers Re-Education Camp & Detox Center and given the grand title Prole #2546.
Despite all the assurances that this was for my own good, I didn’t really like it there, even if it is more of a resort or spa than an interment camp, or so say the Reeducation Counselors, punctuating their words by smacking the palms of their hands with billy clubs. Located right on the beach of the scenic Chukchi Sea on Alaska’s North Slope, natural beauty abounds during the three days a year it’s light enough to see it. Shopping for bare necessities is conveniently available only 640 air miles away at Prudhoe Bay. The resort offers inmates…er, I mean guests…such amenities as uninsulated tarpaper-covered barracks, an old and thin wool blanket and a central solar-powered heater which works much as you would expect it to up there. This deal is only available to U.S. citizens. If you’re a foreign terrorist you have to go to Gitmo and get a taxpayer-funded defense attorney, media representative and Koran.
When the snow got high enough to cover the perimeter fence (October 1st), I just walked out, whistling the theme song from The Great Escape. I wouldn’t have been so cheery if I had known what lay before me on my long trip back to Montana. Rather than bore you with a blow by blow, day by day, week by week, month by month account, I’ll just share…
THE TOP 10 LESSONS LEARNED WHILE ESCAPING FROM A RE-EDUCATION CAMP: