Jim Carrey: Talking Ass

WHY OUR DISCLAIMER INCLUDES "INSANE BLITHERING"

 Despite the heroic efforts of my favorite fiction authors, the Mainstream “Op-Ed is Journalism” Media, you may have missed this important story. What with the mean-spirited Republicrats bringing to bear their evil greed in the form of the sequester boogeyman, it’s hard to concentrate on more the important things, like the fact that the Federal government was only able to spend a mere $1.14 on puppets this past fiscal year.

That’s right, puppets. I know what you are thinking, dear liberal reader. A) We need to be squandering much, much more public money on puppetry; that’s hardly enough to pay the MSM. B) Are we spending enough on mime subsidies?

          Which, in turn, brings us to one of the great philosophical questions of all times…If a tree falls in the forest and crushes a mime, but no one hears it, is it still funny?

          Of course it is. It’s a mime being crushed, for Pete’s sake! HAHAHA!

          Anyway, we here as Das Blog used to naively chastise the previous president for A) Spending too damn much taxpayer money and B) expanding the size and power of government too much. Now we actually miss those days as shining examples of an almost virginal chasteness.

          The Lamestream media also chastised Bush, of course, but for entirely different reasons. Like wars. Wars which were too damn costly in treasure, blood and toil. The very same wars which, when their Puppet Master is in office, are not even worth reporting. It’s like they don’t even exist. Except for the poor bastards on both sides getting killed and maimed. But what the hell do they know?

          A bit like the Battle of Fallujah. You don’t have to actually be present in the same city, state or even nation where a news event is happening to cover it. Hell, no. Al Jazeera will gladly provide you with all the “first-hand” news accounts of USMC "atrocities" you’ll ever need, and without even leaving the comfort of your luxury hotel in the Green Zone. And if you don’t have any actual footage of the events you’re “reporting” you can always run the same old clip for the umpteenth time with a different voice-over to tell the sheeple what they’re supposed to be seeing, not what their lying eyes are telling them.

          For instance, when covering Israeli “atrocities” in Palestine, you can always just show the exact same footage of “Israeli tanks” (actually a clip of the same four-gun battery of M109 155-mm self-propelled artillery firing you’ve been showing since 1982 in Beirut) and no one will even notice.

           Not that the MSM boys can’t pay attention to detail, no sirree. They're big on scrupulous "fact-checking" of important events like Saturday Night Live skits or Obama's membership in the Socialist Party. Remember when NBC turned up those damning “official documents” about Bush Jr.’s National Guard service during the Vietnam War? Never mind that the records given them were nuclear-powered holograms—the media knew they were genuine 1970-vintage government records, by God, simply because they said what the media wanted to hear. When they turned out to be such ludicrously incompetent fakes that toddlers and some domestic animals laughed at them it certainly wasn’t the media’s fault they never questioned or checked the source!

          Documentation proved equally vexing more recently when the media went through the gyrations of a double-jointed gymnast on meth being electrocuted to completely avoid in any way vetting a presidential candidate. When Fox News or talk radio or the Internet or blinding celestial signs finally generated enough coverage on an issue that the MSM was forced to acknowledge the subject actually existed, they were only too happy to pounce upon whatever outright lies and/or total bullshit the Regime spewed forth in defense.

“There! That proves it! Absolutely nothing to the story! We told you so! Nothing to see here! Move along!”

For instance, if the Regime were finally forced to produce some official document because the story became too big for the MSM to completely squelch, whatever that document might be was good enough for the puppets. A Selective Service card or birth certificate or what have you, even if crudely scribbled on the back of a gum wrapper in crayon, was instantly “proof” to the MSM hacks.

And, if the man they appointed king, after a long campaign of endlessly promising a new era of the most open government ever, immediately issued an executive order sealing all of his own records his first day in office, why that wasn’t even newsworthy. Not when one could still pursue the “credible” story of an Internet allegation that Sarah Palin’s brother-in-law’s third cousin’s hairdresser’s dog had molested a cat in 1981.

          Our hard-bitten media sleuths seem utterly incapable of questioning, investigating, or verifying any information whatsoever when any cretin with a (D) behind his or her name is in power. For example, a government agency can put out a press release insisting that four out of five American school children go hungry every day despite the heroic efforts of Barack “Food Stamps” Obama and the Money Shovelers. The media instantly and unquestioningly runs with that press release and writes various “news stories” about the “tragedy”.

          Only moments later, that same government agency can put out another press release stating that 7 out of every 10 American school children are obese and must be forced to go on diets at school lunch. As if the previous statement of ten seconds before never existed, the MSM blindly and obediently now runs this next release as the gospel truth without a second glance.

          I’m not the Einstein of our age when it comes to advanced mathematics, but even I can, at a glance, figure out that them numbers don’t crunch. What happened to the starving kids? Did the fat little bastards eat them or what?

 Some news is simply “common knowledge” and needs no documentation, fake, stupid or otherwise. An example which springs immediately to mind was W. Bush's outright stupidity. The propaganda ministry would have us believe that he was only the second generation of Bushes to have opposable thumbs and required a special Secret Service agent at all public appearances to constantly wipe the drool from his chin. Yet at the same time, he was somehow capable of orchestrating any number of brilliant but sinister hidden international plots threatening truth, justice and the American way at every turn.

Now they would still have us believe Barack Hussein Obama is the most “CEREBRAL” President ever, even though the dumb bastard would be hard pressed to tie his own shoelaces on television.

          Perhaps someday, future historians will set the record straight on our current crop of Yellow Journalists. I can just see our great-grandchildren now, clad in poorly-tanned animal hides and writing on the cave wall with a stick dipped in bear shit, “WTF were those assholes thinking?!?!”

          But then again, Ben often tells me I’m too much of a bloody optimist.

CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGERS IN FICTION

 VERY Clear & Present Danger

Too Ridiculous to Contemplate as a Threat Even in Fictional Works

I like to read every dystopian or TETOWAKI novel that comes along, especially the well-written, thought-provoking and sometimes painfully realistic works by the likes of Orwell, Rand or Pournelle. I have even read a zombie apocalypse book or two, but prefer a more realistic threat, such as a runaway police state, super virus or asteroid strike.

So I was eagerly looking forward to reading a new book I had ordered, Article 5. “Compliance is Mandatory.” Deliciously chilling right there. Resistance to an overbearing Police State? Oh, I’m in on reading that! Until I got the book and started in on it. The culprit stealing all our freedoms, oppressing us, and making people disappear? Why, the “Religious Right”, of course.

Honestly, you can’t get much more unrealistic when it comes to a threat to or from our American government. If the Far Left had their way (and they’re slowly getting it) they would have the Christian Conservatives in the gulags already, not vice versa. For the moment, they’ll settle for silencing those who don’t agree with them via media and education's (some of our best fiction writers right there!) ridicule, ostracism and outright censorship (if it’s not reported on the news, it didn’t happen) and of course government diktat (think random bureaucratic regulations with the force of law, “Hate Crimes” and Obama’s Supreme Court picks). In the Mainstream Media and Hollywierd, political conservatives are drummed out of the business in a bizarre form of reverse-McCarthyism by Liberals who are completely oblivious to hypocrisy. You never even hear about Christians in Hollywood; perhaps they’ve all been fed to the lions for entertainment already.

It’s the Leftists who are at this very moment attempting to force all of their ideals upon everyone else via over-bearing government sanction and enforcement. It’s not the Religious Right who is mandating what size your soda may be, what firearm (if any) is protected under the 2^nd Amendment (if any), what you can and cannot eat, what your kids can and cannot be taught in school, what you can and cannot say or write, what you can or cannot grow or do on your own land (dependent on endangered/fictional critter habitat rather than legal deeds and titles and property taxes paid), etc, etc. And don’t forget, coming very soon, which doctor you can see, what treatments you may receive, and whether or not it’s more economical to just pull your plug outright, before or after birth.

While the Religious Right most often seems to remain the premiere publishing/film-making option for officially sanctioned fictional Police State Bad Guys, in my reading I still find another oldie but goodie clinging tenaciously to life…the threat of ultra-patriotic military officers. This form of bag guy became popular in the late 1970’s and still hangs on in the hearts of the older mainstream print and movie storyline writers despite a realism level below zombies on the real world threat scale. A generals’ junta in the U.S.? The current crop of generals have been taught to heel, fetch and beg via political correctness, media exposure, political meddling and sacrifices of their own integrity upon the almighty alter of career advancement. Like politicians, to achieve a high enough rank to “change things” a multi-star general has to make so many concessions to the system that he becomes part of the problem himself long before he gets there. Did you know every single Federal employee from the seasonal Forest Service college kid cleaning campground pit toilets to the elderly once-every-ten-years census clerk temp takes the same oath to “protect and defend the Constitution against enemies foreign and domestic”? You don’t see too awful many of them banding together to overthrow the government because of the oath they took any more than you do generals. 

Besides, who in the hell needs the military for a takeover? I know a certain president who has his own private army, complete with columns of armored personnel carriers and billions of rounds of ammunition stockpiled. Nawwwww...an idea like that is just too outrageous and crazy even for dystopian fiction.

One last extremely popular option for media-approved bad guys still exists. Nazis! That’s right, Nazis, those guys who gave us WWII and the Holocaust (the latter of which, BTW, Muslims think is fictional). As in the movie The Sum of All Fears (which thankfully my brother told me not to bother watching) Muslim jihadists who constantly and bellicosely state that they wish and fully intend to destroy America would certainly never steal nuclear warheads and try to, say, destroy America. No, it would more likely be some secret cabal of fanatical Nazis who’ve been hiding underground since 1945 just waiting for a good chance to crank up the ol’ Fourth Reich. Plus Nazis are anti-Semitic. This draws attention away from the fact that it’s the Far Left who can’t wait to hand the keys to Israel over to any old rabid blood-soaked Muslim power that happens to come along. For extra convenience, Nazi characters can also be all male and all white! What better Bad Guys can you ask for than that?



 So, can one of you from among of our legions of adoring fans (what do you want for supper, Hon?) point me in the direction of some decent dystopian fiction before I have to watch television?
 

ASSAULT JOURNALISM

This may come as a bit of a shock to most of you, but I must confess that I regard the talking heads of the MSM as lower than whale shit when it comes to integrity and considerably less reliable than a crack-smoking 15-year-old mother of three when it comes to reporting what actually happens in our big wide world.

Yes, I know, this is just craaaaaazy right wing kook talk. Why the MSM personalities themselves sniff, snort and sneer about just how completely honest, unbiased and non-partisan they are, so it must be true. To give them credit, before they bestowed outright deity-status upon their personal pick-for-messiah and emperor-for-life Barack Hussein Obama, they sometimes reported more than one side to a story. For instance, a bi-partisan panel of two far-left elitist “journalists”, a far-left elitist tenured college professor, a self-proclaimed elitist left-leaning moderate and a tortoise with “The Right” painted on its shell would discuss and give their personal opinions on an issue. Since the tortoise of course couldn’t talk, they’d just wrap up the show by beating it with shovels. Fortunately, their arms were too thin and feeble to inflict any real damage on the reptile, so it worked out alright. Now, they don’t even bother with the tortoise and if the “moderate” says something which might be somehow construed as remotely less-than-fawning towards Obama, he or she gets the shovels.

Let’s take a quick peek at some nearly identical news items from the past and see how our always objective media handled them differently. You’ll see what I mean.

EVENT: Gas prices near $5 per gallon when Bush was president:

MEDIA RESPONSE: Oh my God! This is it! Doom! Doom I tell you! Families can’t afford to drive to work. Children will starve! Bush and Cheney are sneaking around to gas stations at night and personally jacking up the prices. They siphon fuel out of your car and hide it in their secret stash at Camp David! They are completely and solely responsible for this gas crisis! Those bastards!

EVENT: Gas prices near $5 per gallon while Obama is president.

MEDIA RESPONSE: (distant crickets chirping)

EVENT: I said, “GAS PRICES NEAR $5 PER GALLON UNDER OBAMA!”

MEDIA RESPONSE: Well, there’s absolutely nothing the president can do about these sort of things. He has no influence in the matter whatsoever. That’s not his job and this certainly isn’t his fault.

EVENT: Unemployment hits 6.4% for one month during Bush’s first term.

MEDIA RESPONSE: AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!! Bush and Cheney are personally responsible! Gloom, despair and agony! Armageddon! Meltdown! Collapse! Complete crisis! Millions out of work! Children will starve! Breadlines! The new Great Depression! How can America ever survive?

EVENT: Unemployment peaks at 10% and stays over 8% for pretty much Obama’s entire first term, even after the much ballyhooed “pass my stimulus bill and unemployment will never go over 8%” legislation pisses away $821 billion.

MEDIA RESPONSE: If anything is bad, it’s Bush’s fault! But yeah! All is well! Things are awesome! Life is but a dream! Things couldn’t be better! Recovery! Green shoots! Perceived adjusted forecast numbers better than expected! Made-up statistics paint a rosy picture of future! The Messiah will save us all! Hosanna! Happy-happy, joy-joy!

EVENT: Afghanistan War under Bush. American troops suffer 475 casualties in 8 years.

MEDIA RESPONSE: Frantic and gruesome in-depth coverage multiple times per day of every traumatic injury suffered, or alleged to have been suffered, by anything from the flora of the Hindu Kush to a deployed soldier’s third cousin getting in a car wreck in Enid, Oklahoma. And it’s all Bush’s fault personally.

EVENT: Afghanistan War under Obama. American troops suffer over three times that many casualties (1,560) casualties in 6 years.

MEDIA RESPONSE: We’re still at war in Afghanistan?

EVENT: GOP gaffes…”potatoe”, “nuclear”, “refudiate”.

MEDIA RESPONSE: So intense and prolonged that you knew the story and which person I meant simply from the single words listed above.

EVENT: Obama gaffes:

“…compared to countries like Europe.”

“I’m going to get filibuttered.”

“I’m always worried about using the word victory…”

The Constitution was, “…put to paper nearly 20 centuries ago.”

“I’ve been in 57 states now—I think one left to go.”

“Eau Claire is a big important state.”

“…those states in the middle.”

“I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.”

“The Middle East is obviously an issue which has plagued the region for centuries.”

“I’m running to be Commander-of-Chief.”

“Uh, I had an uncle who was one of the—um—who was part of the first American troops to go into Auschwitz and liberate the concentration camps.”

“Navy Corpseman.”

“On this Memorial Day as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes—and I see many of them in the audience here today….”

“They say that—uh—they say that—uh—in the face of challenges—uh--that we face—we should be trying to be doing less than more.”

“Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro!”

“I don’t know what the term is in Austrian.”

MEDIA RESPONSE: “…this graceful, CEREBRAL, ethereal man…”

“…the most CEREBRAL [president] of them all…”

“…the urbane, super cool, CEREBRAL president.”

Hey! Joe the Plumber is not a licensed plumber! Kill him!

TANKS A LOT

 “We cannot continue to rely on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives we’ve set. We’ve got to have a civilian national security force that’s just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded.”

You may not remember that “private army” quote from The One in 2008. And well you shouldn’t. You’re probably distracted and cowering in fear. After all, that big, mean, scary “sequester” boogieman threatens to strip the poor little starving fed.gov of its ability to “protect” us, just as Obama said on a recent $1,000,000-trip to go play a round of golf with Tiger Woods. The Secret Service cannot afford to allow public tours of the Whitehouse anymore due to the money crunch and we’ve all heard the other Big Bad Wolf stories the O and his O-Bots are spinning; “Draconian budget cuts” will disrupt essential services and delay air travelers. Luckily, however, DHS was just able to scratch up just enough pennies ($50 million worth) for some snazzy new uniforms. Whew! That was a close one!

The dire threat of fractionally decreasing a drop or two of blood to the engorged federal tick has led to other, more dire threats to public security as well. For instance, DHS can only afford to purchase a measly 1.6 billion rounds of small arms ammunition. To put that trifling amount into perspective, that would have sustained the US Army for only twenty or so years of hard combat in Iraq during the height of the war.

Perhaps even more alarming is the fact that at the moment DHS’ armored columns are restricted to little more than 2,700 MRAPs. As background to those who might not be familiar with MRAP, it means Mine Resistant Ambush Protected vehicle. Land mines having only been in regular military use since before the American Civil War, it came as a huge shock to US military brass and government leaders when mines were encountered in Iraq. Only $50 billion and a mere six years later, Congress gave our troops the MRAPs, based on what the Rhodesians pieced together on their own in a matter of months in the 1970’s. Essentially a 14-ton wheeled Armored Personnel Carrier, the MRAP has a well-armored V-shaped hull underneath to deflect all but the biggest mine blasts, huge run-flat tires, standard armor against small arms fire up to .50-caliber, firing ports for the passengers to shoot from, and a manual “gun tub” turret on top to mount trinkets like .50-caliber Browning machine guns or Mk 19 40mm automatic grenade launchers. 

"Coming soon for your ass." 

If you’re asking just why DHS needs all that ammo and all those armored fighting vehicles, shut your pie hole. If you really wanna know, a tank and a bunch of commandos will come through your wall shortly to explain in graphic detail.

Besides, 2,717 is a rather piddling number of MRAPs. Just think! To put that one into perspective, if this were 1939 Obama would only be able to equip a mere seven Waffen SS Panzer Divisions if he desired to invade Poland. And you thought DHS didn’t need them! Besides, the Sheeple will be pleased to note that some of the domestic MRAPs have “POLICE-RESCUE” (really!) painted on the side, not just something militant like “DHS” or “STASI” or “NKVD”. They really can be considered rescue vehicles when you think about it. Hitler used them to rescue France, the Low Countries, the Balkans, etc. from themselves and Stalin was able to rescue all of Eastern Europe for nearly fifty years!

Meanwhile, Premiere Obama, Nancy “Not Even a Useful Idiot” Pelosi, and their assorted ilk are screaming that YOU, dear peasant, don’t need a gun to protect yourself with. Methinks they doth protest too much.