WHY OUR DISCLAIMER INCLUDES "INSANE BLITHERING"

 Despite the heroic efforts of my favorite fiction authors, the Mainstream “Op-Ed is Journalism” Media, you may have missed this important story. What with the mean-spirited Republicrats bringing to bear their evil greed in the form of the sequester boogeyman, it’s hard to concentrate on more the important things, like the fact that the Federal government was only able to spend a mere $1.14 on puppets this past fiscal year.

That’s right, puppets. I know what you are thinking, dear liberal reader. A) We need to be squandering much, much more public money on puppetry; that’s hardly enough to pay the MSM. B) Are we spending enough on mime subsidies?

          Which, in turn, brings us to one of the great philosophical questions of all times…If a tree falls in the forest and crushes a mime, but no one hears it, is it still funny?

          Of course it is. It’s a mime being crushed, for Pete’s sake! HAHAHA!

          Anyway, we here as Das Blog used to naively chastise the previous president for A) Spending too damn much taxpayer money and B) expanding the size and power of government too much. Now we actually miss those days as shining examples of an almost virginal chasteness.

          The Lamestream media also chastised Bush, of course, but for entirely different reasons. Like wars. Wars which were too damn costly in treasure, blood and toil. The very same wars which, when their Puppet Master is in office, are not even worth reporting. It’s like they don’t even exist. Except for the poor bastards on both sides getting killed and maimed. But what the hell do they know?

          A bit like the Battle of Fallujah. You don’t have to actually be present in the same city, state or even nation where a news event is happening to cover it. Hell, no. Al Jazeera will gladly provide you with all the “first-hand” news accounts of USMC "atrocities" you’ll ever need, and without even leaving the comfort of your luxury hotel in the Green Zone. And if you don’t have any actual footage of the events you’re “reporting” you can always run the same old clip for the umpteenth time with a different voice-over to tell the sheeple what they’re supposed to be seeing, not what their lying eyes are telling them.

          For instance, when covering Israeli “atrocities” in Palestine, you can always just show the exact same footage of “Israeli tanks” (actually a clip of the same four-gun battery of M109 155-mm self-propelled artillery firing you’ve been showing since 1982 in Beirut) and no one will even notice.

           Not that the MSM boys can’t pay attention to detail, no sirree. They're big on scrupulous "fact-checking" of important events like Saturday Night Live skits or Obama's membership in the Socialist Party. Remember when NBC turned up those damning “official documents” about Bush Jr.’s National Guard service during the Vietnam War? Never mind that the records given them were nuclear-powered holograms—the media knew they were genuine 1970-vintage government records, by God, simply because they said what the media wanted to hear. When they turned out to be such ludicrously incompetent fakes that toddlers and some domestic animals laughed at them it certainly wasn’t the media’s fault they never questioned or checked the source!

          Documentation proved equally vexing more recently when the media went through the gyrations of a double-jointed gymnast on meth being electrocuted to completely avoid in any way vetting a presidential candidate. When Fox News or talk radio or the Internet or blinding celestial signs finally generated enough coverage on an issue that the MSM was forced to acknowledge the subject actually existed, they were only too happy to pounce upon whatever outright lies and/or total bullshit the Regime spewed forth in defense.

“There! That proves it! Absolutely nothing to the story! We told you so! Nothing to see here! Move along!”

For instance, if the Regime were finally forced to produce some official document because the story became too big for the MSM to completely squelch, whatever that document might be was good enough for the puppets. A Selective Service card or birth certificate or what have you, even if crudely scribbled on the back of a gum wrapper in crayon, was instantly “proof” to the MSM hacks.

And, if the man they appointed king, after a long campaign of endlessly promising a new era of the most open government ever, immediately issued an executive order sealing all of his own records his first day in office, why that wasn’t even newsworthy. Not when one could still pursue the “credible” story of an Internet allegation that Sarah Palin’s brother-in-law’s third cousin’s hairdresser’s dog had molested a cat in 1981.

          Our hard-bitten media sleuths seem utterly incapable of questioning, investigating, or verifying any information whatsoever when any cretin with a (D) behind his or her name is in power. For example, a government agency can put out a press release insisting that four out of five American school children go hungry every day despite the heroic efforts of Barack “Food Stamps” Obama and the Money Shovelers. The media instantly and unquestioningly runs with that press release and writes various “news stories” about the “tragedy”.

          Only moments later, that same government agency can put out another press release stating that 7 out of every 10 American school children are obese and must be forced to go on diets at school lunch. As if the previous statement of ten seconds before never existed, the MSM blindly and obediently now runs this next release as the gospel truth without a second glance.

          I’m not the Einstein of our age when it comes to advanced mathematics, but even I can, at a glance, figure out that them numbers don’t crunch. What happened to the starving kids? Did the fat little bastards eat them or what?

 Some news is simply “common knowledge” and needs no documentation, fake, stupid or otherwise. An example which springs immediately to mind was W. Bush's outright stupidity. The propaganda ministry would have us believe that he was only the second generation of Bushes to have opposable thumbs and required a special Secret Service agent at all public appearances to constantly wipe the drool from his chin. Yet at the same time, he was somehow capable of orchestrating any number of brilliant but sinister hidden international plots threatening truth, justice and the American way at every turn.

Now they would still have us believe Barack Hussein Obama is the most “CEREBRAL” President ever, even though the dumb bastard would be hard pressed to tie his own shoelaces on television.

          Perhaps someday, future historians will set the record straight on our current crop of Yellow Journalists. I can just see our great-grandchildren now, clad in poorly-tanned animal hides and writing on the cave wall with a stick dipped in bear shit, “WTF were those assholes thinking?!?!”

          But then again, Ben often tells me I’m too much of a bloody optimist.