Sunday, July 11, 2010

Klansman Thief Takes Dirt Nap

A Ben and Bawb's Blog (Belated) Obituary

Exalted Cyclops/Senator Robert "Tweety" Byrd: Nov. 20, 1437-June 28, 2010

Today the nation bows its collective head and gazes down at its own twiddling thumbs in feigned sorrow and reverence toward the passing of that elder statesman of the Senate, Robert "Larry" Byrd, occasionally bending at its knees, to keep its mighty legs from going to sleep.  Doctors say that the good Senator died from a severe case of TMB (Too Many Birthdays).

Byrd became the longest-serving Senator in U.S. history, but he came from more humble roots.  He started out in West Virginia at the lowly rank of Apprentice Noose-Tier in the Klu Klux Klan, but through hard work and perseverance he was promoted to Kleagle (recruiter), then eventually was elected Exalted Cyclops. During this time period, the great Senator gave us such inspiring, patriotic quotes as (and we are not making this up): "I shall never fight in the armed forces with a Negro by my side ... Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels, a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds."

If Byrd had been a Republican, no doubt, members of the mainstream press would have mentioned his Klan affiliation about 14 times per breath until he was drummed out of the Senate.  However, the press recognized Byrd's ability to change.  Even though he wrote a letter to the Grand Wizard of the KKK, after he had supposedly left the organization, stating, "The Klan is needed today as never before and I am anxious to see its rebirth here in West Virginia and in every state in the nation," Byrd showed real signs of transformation and hadn't even used the word "n*gger" on national television since at least 2001.  Indeed, in his last will and testament the born-again pluralist Byrd freed several of his remaining slaves.

When it came to thievery from the U.S. taxpayer, Senator Robert "Pretty" Byrd was truly nondiscriminatory, helping to place black and white Americans hopelessly in debt.  In 2006 Citizens Against Government Waste (CAGW) gave him a lifetime "achievement" award dubbing him the "King of Pork."  CAGW wrote: "In his over forty-eight years (!) in the United States Senate, Senator Byrd has achieved a pork record that is second to none. From the Robert C. Byrd Expressway to the Robert C. Byrd Freeway; the Robert C. Byrd Institute to the Robert C. Byrd Federal Building (both of them), Senator Byrd has truly left his mark on West Virginia --- and the federal budget. (And let us not overlook the proposed Robert C. Byrd rooms in the U.S. Capitol.) It would be appropriate to erect some kind of monument to his century-spanning resume --- except that he already did so himself."

When Robert "Flightless" Byrd reaches the Pearly Gates, we can only hope that St. Peter is on a smoke break and Dr. King is manning the velvet robe.  Up yours, Exalted Cyclops.


Bawb said...

I STILL want to know why dirtbags who never served a day in the service get these big fancy military honor guards.

Jim Fryar said...

Seriously Ben the fact it has taken so long to do an obit on the guy almost makes me think that you have no respect for the guy.

Really if he hasn't uttered the word n*gger in nine years it is possible that Clinton was right in suggesting that his long association with the clan was just a fleeting thing to get him elected.

I mean this guy stood up for his beliefs, he personally spoke for fourteen hours in order to filibuster some bill or other that he had a moral objection to in 1964, I am trying to remember what it was, - oh yeah, the Civil Rights or something .....

Ben said...

I assure you that BBB meant no disrespect by it's long pause before giving Sheets his proper send-off. We had to compose ourselves from our... [pause for snickering] grief. Also we had many important things to do that kept us from Sheets' obit, like shampooing our ferrets and checking the phonebook for correct alphabetization.

strandediniowa said...

Why is Ted Kennedy buried at Arlington?

That way visitors who come to see real Americans have a place to relieve themselves.

Sorry, is it too soon?

You're right Bawb, not one of those POS senators deserve an honor guard.

"shampooing our ferrets" ???

Bawb said...

The whole honor guard thing reminded me of JFK Junior's plane crash. Let's see; he was a mediocre-at-best lawyer who had to take the bar exam three times, couldn't make it as an actor, banged some celebrities, and edited a magazine I never would have read in a million years.

So OF COURSE he gets his own NAVY DESTROYER for the memorial service and to spread his ashes at sea. I can't think of a CMH winner who ever anything close to all that.

And it's only Ben who shampoos ferrets. I just buff my hedgehog.

Anonymous said...

How about a memorial urinal for old Ted Kennedy. We'll call it the "Kennedy Kettle".

And for the late Sheets, how about either the "Byrd Bowl" or perhaps the "Byrd Bidet"?

Charlie P

Ben said...

All good ideas. Send them to your senators!