Saturday, January 29, 2011

MAKING THE TOUGH CALLS ON FOREIGN POLICY


We now take you behind the scenes in the Whitehouse as President Obama gathers all his top advisers and experts--old, new, and acquitted--to help this "most cerebral" president ever plan out a masterful foreign policy response to the crisis in Egypt.


EMPEROR: Gentlepersons, I have…um… called all of you here in secret as you are my dearest and…ah… most trusted advisors on foreign policy, old and new. I have to come out and give the appearance of some tiny modicum…er…of intelligence and a fa├žade of leadership. We must come up with a plan that gives the impression that we (a) we actually have a plan and (b) we know what the hell we are doing.

HOMER: This is so cool. I always wanted to see the inside of the Bat Cave.

EMPEROR: Please, how many times must I tell you, this is not the Bat Cave or the War Room. You must refer to it as the Love Room.

HOMER: Du’-oh!

EMPEROR: Gentlepersons, we must do something to protect our phoney baloney jobs! Immediately! Immediately! Immediately!

CHORUS OF HARRUMPHS.

EMPEROR: I didn’t get a harrumph outta that guy!

HEADLEY: Give the President harrumph!

EXTRA: Harrumph!

EMPEROR: You watch your ass. Now, can anyone actually show me…uh…Egypt on a map?

NANCY (Scribbling away furiously on a piece of paper with a crayon). Look! I drew a pretty butterfly!

EMPEROR: Ohhhh. That is pretty. Um, Donald, you’ve given me good advice before. What are your thoughts on the…er…matter.

DONALD: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!!

EMPEROR: Well, of course we’re going to blame Bush, the Tea Party, Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. That’s always the first step in dealing with any crisis. I’m afraid this time we must go even further to…um…give the illusion that we’re actually capable of…uh…leadership.”

CHAMBERLAIN: Perhaps if we give Czechoslovakia to the Germans?

EMPEROR: Hunh? Is that one of the fifty seven states?

RAHM: I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burnt to da GROUND!

EMPEROR: Who?

RAHM: Doesn’t matter.

EMPEROR: And you Janet?

JANET: We must create new and more invasive and odious TSA searches!

EMPEROR: Hmmm. Interesting. But…er…how will it actually show we’re responding to the crisis…ah…in Egypt?

JANET: Doesn’t matter. The American sheepulace will clamor to toss away their Civil Rights for the illusion of security, which will come in handy later, and it will show that we took some kind of action.

EMPEROR: That one sounds…um…good. Nancy, will you make a note of that one?

NANCY: (Scribbling) And this is a picture of a duck.

DONALD: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!!!!

CASS: Nancy! Don’t you realize that is a Hate Crime against our migratory non-people Global co-owners and voters!?!?

NANCY: (Playing with fingers) The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout…

CASS: No! No more! We must stop such hate and vitriol against our non-bipedal earth partners!

CAROLYN: I know! We will introduce a new over-reaching gun control bill which would restrict our subjects to owning only registered Red Ryder BB guns.

HOMER: Hey, you could put an eye out with one of those.

CAROLYN: It’s agreed, then. We’ll take their BB guns too.

CHORUS OF HARRUMPHS

EMPEROR: I forgot you are…uh…Secretary of State. What do you think we should do?

HILLARY: You could admit your hopeless ineptitude, resign immediately and appoint me to be the new Emperor.

EMPEROR: Outrageous! What makes you think you are qualified to replace me as the…um…Consecrated One?

HILLARY: For starters, I’m the only one with testicles and wearing pants in this entire room.

JANET: You Lie! One of my testicles has dropped! Guards! Take her away!

WIGGUMS: (Slapping palm of hand with nightstick): Heh-heh. Come with me, little lady. We know how to instill a little reverence in your kind…Say, this is a really cool Bat Cave.

EMPEROR: Love Room!

HOMER: Du’-oh!

TOTO: (Yapping and pulling at curtain.)

JANET: What could be behind that curtain? We should subject it to an invasive body cavity search, whatever it is!

TOTUS [Teleprompter Of The United States]: It is I, the Great & Powerful TOTUS! If you bumbling simpletons are quite done, I, the Great & Powerful TOTUS, have the solution to this riddle.

NANCY: (Clapping hands.) Ohhh! Me love riddles! Let me guess first.

TOTUS: Moron.

EMPEROR: Oh Great & Powerful TOTUS…uh…speak to us. Command your humble servants. Tell us what we should…er…do.

TOTUS: I, the Great & Powerful TOTUS, will of course use the amazing omnipotence of my latest and most powerful RPG, Random Platitude Generator, to create an absolutely brilliant speech which you must deliver with great oration and fake sincerity on live television.

EMPEROR: Brilliant! Absolute…um…genius! Allah Ahkbar! Why didn’t we think of that?

TOTUS: You don’t want me to go there. Trust me.

EMPEROR: We’re saved!

CHORUS OF HARRUMPHS AND QUACKING.

NANCY: Look! I can make a church and steeple using my fingers!

JANET: Violation of separation of church and state! Blasphemer!

TOTUS: Sigh. This is gonna be harder than I thought.

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