Friday, October 07, 2011


Are you a non-minority facing too much competition landing a job in the Community Organizer field? Perhaps a college professor who’s lost tenure for plagiarism and ethics violations? Or maybe you’re an illegal alien seeking to take advantage of in-state college tuition and get a large student loan you have no intention of ever paying back?

You, my friend, have come to the right place. Here at Benandbawb’s Online University, you can earn a degree in Journalism from the comfort of your own home! Continue to collect your benefit checks while learning on-line. Stay in your pajamas and slippers all day long while earning a degree in a prestigious and lucrative field of endeavor that’s so simple anyone can do it.

That’s right. Journalism. Can you look attractive and authoritative while reading (small words, of course) from a teleprompter? Do ewe no how two use the spellchecker on you’re computer? Can you cut and paste from Whitehouse press releases? Are you savvy with Photoshop and desire to work for Rueter? Can you chop up and edit interviews to make them say what you want them to say? Are you able to successfully point to the Middle East on a map one out of three times?

Even if you don’t possess these core skills, we can help you learn them. In just ten easy lessons of $999.99 each, you can earn a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Journalism. If you have actually graduated high school, we offer Master’s Degrees and Doctorates for an additional $28,000! Act now and you will get our special reduced price rate of $27,999!

Benandbawb’s Online Journalism University is not just some “diploma mill”. No sirree bawb. Along with the degree you will also get realist-looking but heavily smudged transcripts and grades, references from our professor(s), and popular protest signs, Don’t be fooled by cut-rate competitors. We are the real dead!

For print journalists we offer exams to sharpen your skills and place you right up there with your published peers in the big leagues. Here are a few examples of the valuable knowledge you will learn.

Print Journalism

1. Event: Ten million Tea Party members hold a quiet orderly rally in Washington D.C. to protest reckless government spending and usurpation of the Constitution. Choose the following front page headline you would use to report the event. Is it a, b, c, or D?

  1. Fanatics Spew Hate, Racism; Wave Swastikas and Scream for Blood!
  2. Farmer’s Cow in Indiana Gives Birth to Two-headed Calf!
  3. Small Tea Party Racist Hate-Fest Draws Huge Numbers of Counter Protestors: Read Interviews With all Three of Them!
  4. Any or all of the above.

2. Event: Purple-shirted SEIU mob breaks down factory gates, swarms the facility, burns it to the ground, and kills eighteen people.

  1. Wall Street Fat Cats, Capitalist Pigs Oppress Unions, Minorities.
  2. SPLC Warns of Increasing Acts of Hate, Racism, Violence by the Right.
  3. Are (insert random celebrity couple) On the Splits?
  4. Any or all of the above.

3. Event: National economy completely tanks, the value of the dollar plummets to that of the Botswana Pula, the unemployment rate hits 55%, Soylent Green is test marketed in New York, and politicians are fleeing Capital Hill with large suitcases full of gold bullion and heading for Venezuela.

  1. Green Shoots Still Coming, But Recovery Slower Than Earlier Predicted.
  2. President Asks for Calm, Patience While He “Continues to Undo Damage of Bush Economy.”
  3. Jimmy Carter Endorses GOP Candidate in Des Moines Mayoral Race.
  4. Any or all of the above.


Would you like to become a rugged and adventuresome photo-journalist for a major global newsgathering service, but don’t wish to wear a flak jacket or get within the sound of gunfire?

No problem! With our new Rueter ™ Quik Photo Fix software (only $499.99) you can document Israeli atrocities against the poor oppressed terrorist bombers of Hezbollah without leaving the comfort of your own home.

Television Journalism

Have you considered the field of television journalism? Yes, you can get on TV without having to survive the tornado! Be seen by millions. Perhaps even meet Katie Couric. Our short video courses allow you to learn the simple and easy procedures for interviewing public figures such as Sarah Palin…and making them say what you want them to say through our new “investigative editing” program. Here’s a free sample.

Not convinced yet? Buy our basic course within the next six months and we’ll throw in one of those cool purple hats with the flat top and the tassel absolutely free! For a small extra fee, you can write your very own auto-biography by Bill Ayers.

Yes, you can become a real journalist, but only if you act now and enroll in Benandbawb’s On-Line University!

Coming soon! Degrees in other exciting fields to allow you to realize your dreams of becoming a Community Organizer, Paid Protestor, Voter Registrar, Union Thug, Elementary Education Theorist, or Global Warming Alarmist.

Don’t delay! Act today!

Sorry, no out-of-state checks or Bank of Amigo loans.

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