Saturday, June 23, 2012


(APU): In a well-spring of patriotism, love and tolerance, Obama supporters all over the country are already rallying to the cause of his much-needed re-election in 2012. Evil, extremist, racist and probably homophobic cretins on the right side of the aisle have been strident in their false accusations that Dear Leader’s economic policies have been a disaster and that the national economy is in dire straits.
          To combat this kind of hate mongering our traveling correspondent Eileen Left has been interviewing neutral moderates in several major American cities to do a little good old fashioned MSM Fact Checking™. The economy, it seems, is in much better shape than the President’s critics would have you believe. You may be surprised at just how well the state of the economy is rebounding from the Bush debacle.
          In New York, NY Shay Lowe was, under the Bush Administration, unable to find a job in her graduate field of Middle Eastern Transgender Art Studies. Now, under the Obama Administration, she is fully employed as an official Vote Registrar for the non-partisan, non-profit Think Tank group Oak Seed and making a comfortable income of $249,999 a year.

 “I love my job,” says Shay Lowe. “I get to work in a quiet, stress-free environment and pick my own schedule. Oak Seed pays me $50 for each voter I register. I’ve made over $20,000 just on people named Soldier, Unknown. We need to raise awareness amongst the American public that voting is just too important to be left to amateurs.”
          Long-time Philadelphia resident and "former" Black Panther Malcolm Y told APU the same; he loves his new job, another Stimulus-funded opportunity that he feels would not have opened up under a McCain or Romney.


        “As an Election Monitor, I get to protect our democratic system of government  way of life, in more way than one.” Malcolm noted with well-earned pride, caressing the shiny new assault rifle passed on by the Justice Department from a Mexican donor. “It’s not all drudgery, punching time clocks, nine-to-five crap either. We have fun on the job. Nothing like whacking whitey on the head with a night stick; cracks us up every time. Attorney General Eric Holder even came by one day to personally thank us for all our effort and hard work.”
          “When Bush was in office,” New York transient Richard Noggin told APP. “I lived in a cardboard box on a steam grate and had to beg for spare change and cigarettes. Now, just by voting multiple times in precincts all over the city, I get all the free smokes I want, and I got this shiny new dumpster to call my own.”

            With a shiny new plastic nametag of his own bearing the name APOO pinned to his bright red shirt, a convenience store clerk in Dallas, TX was happy to talk to APP. “Under the Obama Administration, my income from food stamps alone has risen by over 300 percent!” Apoo told us gleefully. “On the first and fifteen of every month, I usually sell out of liquor, cigarettes and snack cakes by noon! The stuff just flies off the shelves! I can tell you that under Bush I was not driving a BMW.”

            Pausing thoughtfully, he added, “Would you like a Squishy with that?”

          A long-time student and feminist agitator of the University of California, Berkeley, Dew Upe can’t say how thrilled she is with her profession and a perhaps a chance to expand it if the election goes the right way in November. “Like I’ve been going to this university for like eleven years. I’m no dummy; I'm an intellecutal. At one point, I was afraid that I was going to have to like earn a degree and like go out and work for a living. Now, with my Obama Get-Out-of-Student-Loans-Free card, I can like go to college like for the rest of my life and never have to pay anything! You rock Barack! Sock it to Mitt!”

              In Seattle, WA, former homeless person and drug addict Hugh R. Skankee was equally effusive in his praise for President Obama in general and the DNC in particular. “Not so long ago, under Bush, I was living in a VAN down by the RIVER,” Hugh told our interviewer, scratching at the infected needle tracks on the inside of his tattooed arm. “Now I live on a BUS all over the COUNTRY. As a paid counter-protestor, I’ve been to places I never even hallucinated I would be able to go. Plus I get to hit people with STICKS and ROCKS and get away with it. What could be better?”

           The former CEO of the government subsidized “solar energy manufacturer” Sunyndra spoke to us anonymously by phone from his private villa in the Cayman Islands. “Four years ago, I was a mid-level bureaucratic toady facing a lay-off. Today, I am a retired multimillionaire and campaign donor who visits the Whitehouse regularly. I like to think that I have helped reverse the negative stereotype of those greedy CEOs from Capitalist companies by providing jobs to nearly eight servants and showing that we care about the environment. In Green Jobs, and Barack Obama, lies the future.”
          So there you have it; a clear picture of the real economy in America. Unlike what you may hear from evil right-wingers and the millions of “unemployed”, it is as strong as ever thanks to the untiring efforts of the Obama Administration. Let’s hope he has another four years in which to turn around the Bush Recession for good.

No comments: