V.P. Debate

I've been a political junkie my whole adult life, but in this election I haven't watched any of the debates or anything because, for the first time, I truly and honestly don't care who wins the presidency. I think the republic will be doomed by an Obama or a McCain win. I'm voting for Bob Barr, but I know darned well that it's just a protest vote.

Since there wasn't anything good on tv, I did catch some of the vice presidential debate on Thursday night. Most of what I did see was while I was playing the board game Cariboo (a "magical treasure hunt game") with my two-year-old son, so I couldn't hear a lot of it. After putting the boy to bed, I was able to give Palin and Biden's closing comments my full attention. Therefore I feel that I can offer my enlightened analysis of the debate.

After years of careful study, I've developed several methods by which I evaluate each candidate. It's very interesting to see how each one stacks up based on the methodology. Here goes:

The "Who Would You Rather Bone?" Method: Governor Palin was the clear winner in this category. This issue is very important to me and I felt like Senator Biden wasn't even trying to sway my stance. Slacks with low heels? So last season Joseph!

The "Who Would Win In A Fistfight" Method: Palin again! I can picture Biden curled up on a sawdust floor, shrieking like a woman, trying to shield himself with his briefcase as Palin rains down blows on him. Now there'd be a debate people would watch.

The "Who Would You Rather Go Moose Hunting With?" Method: In a surprise upset, Biden walked away with this category. This is mostly because Sarah Palin is probably a much better marksman and woodsman than I am and my delicate male ego couldn't take being made to look like a chump.

The "Who Has The Most 'Experience' Destroying The Nation and It's Constitution" Method: Senator Biden comes out on top here. With 35 years in the U.S. Senate, which has screwed up nearly every element of the country that has crossed through its sphere of influence (from the economy to foreign relations), in every way that can be measured, Biden has much, much more experience than Palin. Palin's state of Alaska doesn't even have a single trillion dollars of debt, much less 10 trillion like the federal government (9 of which came about while Biden was in the Senate, controlling the purse strings). You'll have to try harder Governor!

While taking a few lumps, Palin performed better than the liberal media pundits had envisioned, since she didn't spit no "tabacky" juice or pause to squat-birth another kid during the debate. Even though Palin did better than expected, "the old pro" Joe Biden can still hold his own... and from what I've heard, he often does. (Hey! Can I get a rimshot here?)

In my humble opinion the real winner of the evening was my son, who managed to find ALL of the rubber balls hidden within the gameboard and thereby opened the magical treasure chest. The smile on his face means more to me than who wins or loses this bullshit election.