Election Year McCain a True Conservative

Arizona Senator John McCain has apparently seen the light on the issue of border security. He introduced a bill recently which would build new border fences, request 3,000 National Guardsmen be sent to the Arizona border, hire 3,000 new Border Protection agents and require that illegal border-crossers be charged with a crime and imprisoned before deportation. This may seem like a stark reversal from the Senator McCain who has sandbagged additional border protections and even worked with Senator Ted Kennedy on an “amnesty” for illegal aliens in 2005.

Only a complete cynic could think that McCain’s sudden change of heart is because he is facing a tough primary challenge from the right. His Republican challenger J.D. Hayworth said: "Had McCain supported my efforts in 2005 to secure the U.S. border, rather than stubbornly supporting amnesty, we would not be trying to apply quick fixes today."

However, it appears that McCain is moving right on a number of issues, such as gay rights and global warming, and has “disavowed his long-standing maverick label.”

For instance, McCain, who used to use the original draft of the Constitution to mop up spilled scotch on his desk, has new-found respect for the document. “I have always been a steadfast supporter of the uh... Constimahoozie,” McCain said, posing for photographers with his arm around a wax mannequin of Barry Goldwater, “especially the 2nd and 10th things.”

Not content with mere words, McCain has also introduced the “I’m a REAL Conservative, Not a Phony Douchebag Act of 2010” in the Senate. Among other things, the bill would change the name of Washington D.C. to Reaganton D.C. (with D.C. then standing for “Dominion of Christ). While McCain once called for severe restrictions on gun shows and mandatory “safe-storage” of firearms, his new bill would make gun show attendance compulsory and would require loaded firearms to be strewn about in the open.

Another reversal comes on the subject of torture. McCain previously opposed use of torture by the CIA against terrorism suspects. He now has changed his mind.

“Now I support torture… for every body!” McCain shouted over a John Philip Sousa tune at a recent campaign rally, riding on the back of an elephant and wearing a Ronald Reagan mask.

He proceeded: “My friends did you know that I know Sarah Palin? We totally got it on, Dude. I had to break it off though. She got too clingy. Don’t roll your eyes at me, punk! You ungrateful little sh*ts would be speaking North Vietnamese if it wasn’t for me! Were you a martyr for your country like me? Didn’t think so. Hey come back here!

"I’m cold. I need my shawl… and my back pills. Me and Ronald Reagan go way back too. He wanted to surrender to the Soviets, but I convinced him not to, my friends. Who you callin’ ‘full of sh*t?’ You kids keep your damned bikes off my lawn! Where are you going?

"Oh dear, I’ve soiled myself. I’ve had that problem since 1968 when Charlie stuck a pipe wrench up my ass. I think I finally told them Lady Bird Johnson’s hat size that time! I used to play tiddlywinks with Lincoln too….. Come back!"