POLITICIANS: STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES, UNLESS THE PRESS IS ON YOUR SIDE

"I can't open this door." Ha-ha! Buffoon! Moron!

"I can't open this window." Oooh. Ahhh. The "most cerebral" president in history!

It's unbelievable how stupid the people "representing " us up on Crapital Hill truly are. We've been saying it for years, but now they're really stepping up to the plate to make our case for us.

It's always great to make fun of vice-presidents. I'm sure we've heard all the stupid gaffes from the Inventor of the Internet and global warming mockumentary alarmist Al Gore. You know, like these.

In a tour of Monticello, Gore asked about a row of busts: "Who are these people?" The New York Times explained the curator "helpfully identified the unfamiliar faces: `This is George Washington on the extreme right,' with Benjamin Franklin close behind." Then there's Al's chat with Chicago Bulls fans during Michael Jordan's heyday. "That Michael Jackson is unbelievable, isn't he?" The Inventor of the Internet himself also told a steelworker that he, too, "have trouble turning on a computer, let alone using one." At a big Hollyweird party, Al told Courtney Love he was a really big fan of hers. When she responded, "Yeah, right, name a song, Al," of course he couldn't. Not an Al Gore gaffe, but more recently Emperor Obama misspelled "Advice". Didn't even hear about that one, did you? Press response: keep making fun of Dan Quayle for misspelling potato in 1992.

Speaking of our pal Emperor Obama, who reminds me of a taller, darker version of Russel on Survivor in his ability to manipulate stupid people by telling them whatever they want to hear at the moment, certainly gaffed away on the campaign trail and continues to do so today. George Bush is still ridiculed for attempting to open a locked door and Chevy Chase made an entire career out of doing Gerald Ford stumbling around, but the press was sure quiet about Barack trying to enter his new digs via a French window or bonking his head trying to enter Marine One or tripping over door jambs in Italy. Take away TOTUS (Teleprompter Of The United States) and the "most cerebral" POTUS in history can't even put together coherent sentences. With thanks to Sam Cook, here's a few other subjects that give the Emperor trouble.

Don't know much about History: Even his own family's history. His mom and pop got together to have baby Barack in 1961 because they were inspired by the Bloody Sunday march in Selma, AL in 1965. In his biography, he claimed his racial awakening came from a Life magazine story about a black man being disfigured by trying to bleach his skin white. Too bad Life never, ever ran any such article. Then there was his uncle personally liberating Auschwitz. Uh, maybe it was Buchenwald. Manila? Rome? No, wait, it wasn't his uncle; it was his grandfather. Or maybe his great uncle. At least serving in the ETO he wasn't a "Navy Corpseman".

Don't know much Geography: He's campaigned in 57 states, been frustrated by the "Austrian language", mourned the deaths of ten thousand people killed in a single Kansas twister, worried about a lack of Arabic-speaking translators in Afghanistan, been unaware his home state of Illinois borders Kentucky, but has at least allayed our fears that we are under no threat from "those tiny countries". And my favorite, for all my friends back in Iowa, from a campaign stop in Sioux Falls, SD. “Thank you, Sioux City. ... I said it wrong. I’ve been in Iowa for too long. I’m sorry.”

Press Reaction: Ha-ha! That six-toed inbred pig Sarah Palin is a stupid-ass hillbilly beeotch!

Thankfully, the Internet and talk radio continue to erode the mainstream state-run press' ability to twist, censor, and manipulate (or outright lie, if necessary) the editorial opinion they foist upon the public masquerading it as "news".

The most recent proof of our duly-elected representatives being complete morons and buffoons comes to us via the Internet in videos that would never have seen the light of day in a million years if things had been left up to the Propaganda Ministry.

First, for the three people left in the country who haven't seen it, brilliant Representative Hank Johnson (D, GA) is worried about the very real danger that sending Marines to the island of Guam will cause it to tip over and capsize.

Then there's Congressman Phil Hare, D of Barack's "home state" of Illinois, who doesn't know the difference between the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution and, of the latter, "doesn't care" and "doesn't worry" about it.

As Mama said, "Stupid is as stupid does."