GLOBAL WARMING REDUEX: BAWB DRINKS THE GREEN KOOL-AID

As most folks around here know, I am what is called a global warming skeptic, and have been for some time. It doesn’t help me believe that the “science is sound” when I see articles like this one over at Jim’s Place.

Aliens may destroy humanity to protect other civilizations, say scientists

Rising greenhouse emissions could tip off aliens that we are a rapidly expanding threat, warns a report

It may not rank as the most compelling reason to curb greenhouse gases, but reducing our emissions might just save humanity from a pre-emptive alien attack, scientists claim.

Watching from afar, extraterrestrial beings might view changes in Earth's atmosphere as symptomatic of a civilization growing out of control – and take drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat, the researchers explain.

This highly speculative scenario is one of several described by a NASA-affiliated scientist and colleagues at Pennsylvania State University that, while considered unlikely, they say could play out were humans and alien life to make contact at some point in the future.

I used to merely scoff at such news items but fortunately, glory hallelujah, I have seen the light and had a revelation; I am changing my evil, skeptical ways. You see, this past weekend none other than Al Gore himself called me. Our blog reaching millions of alert, sophisticated readers, he thought it would be a good idea if I were to “join the team” and “get on board”. Of course, I laughed in his face.

Then he mentioned something about a Federal research grant to the tune of $20,000,000. Now he had my attention. The grant, it seems, is easy money, the only stipulation being that my “research” support the theory of global warming. I was sorely tempted, but stood by my principles.

Then he dropped a coy hint or two about a Nobel Peace Prize to sweeten the pot and he had me. I couldn’t help but thinking just how cool that Nobel Prize medallion would look hanging from the rear-view mirror in my pickup truck, along with the fuzzy dice and the pine tree-shaped air freshener.

So, with Al promising that the check was in the mail, I immediately dove into my research study. Al himself, in fact, got me started. He said that, as in his movie, I should not cite specific sources, only use banal generalities which no one could pin me down on, things like, “Computer models show...” “Studies suggest…”, or “A friend of mine took this picture.”

Concerned that this might not seem “scholarly” enough, I called professor Michael Bellesiles, author of the Bancroft Prize-winning book Arming America: The Origins of a National Gun Culture. “Citations?” he asked. “Oh, just make up a bunch of your own bogus footnotes. It’s not like anyone actually looks them up or anything during the peer-review process.”

Still uneasy at the prospect of unsubstantiated research, I made sure to include a detailed bibliography of the sources I used, from fortune cookies to the Oracle at Delphi to having Buster the Wonder Dog paw out answers in the dirt. When these sources included actual statistics, such as the blurred figures an intoxicated old hippie scribbled on the back of a cocktail napkin down at the bar, I carefully “adjusted” these figures upwards of 10% to make them “more accurate”. So when I tell you the science is sound, trust me, the science is sound!

I also called my old history prof at UNI, the one who went to Red China during the Vietnam War, since he had written a book, something he managed to mention at least 27 times per lecture. His advice: “Use lots of graphs and charts, bright colors, and shiny objects, as these lead the media and Hollywood celebrities to believe not only that your work is well-researched and scholarly but also that they can understand it.”

Then, best of all, I was invited to join a panel of prestigious scientists for what is known as the “peer-review” process. Not to be a name dropper or anything, but my peers included some of the great scientific minds of our time; Whitehouse Alchemy & Astrology Czar Sue Doesiense, Sideshow Bob, former UN IPCC Chairman Rajendra Pachauri ,Wile E. Coyote (Super Genius), former East Anglican CRU Director Phil Jones, Cameron Diaz, suspended federal biologist Charles “Drowning Polar Bears” Monnett, Bobo the Chimp, Ben Affleck, Global Warming Poster Child Jim Hansen, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, and the ever-popular Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his faithful assistant Beaker.

We all sat at a big round table at some university with ivy growing on the walls of the buildings, so you know it was prestigious. We were each given a big rubber stamp that said “OK” and then we passed around our research studies. There were many brilliant titles such as Self-Flagellation: The Only Hope for the Industrialized West, The Carbon Tax: Totally Essential or Merely Desperately Needed? and Bush & Cheney: Evil Demons Personally Responsible for Global Warming. We would read the title and, if we agreed with the premise, stamp the cover “OK” and pass it on.

I felt pretty silly with all those footnotes I had included in my report, but I still enjoyed experience. The whole process only took 20 minutes from start to finish, leaving me plenty of time to go check out the co-eds on the quad. Unfortunately, this being an Ivy League university, they were all a bit hairy in the leg department, dressed like Chinese peasant women, and protesting something or other, so that wasn’t all that I had hoped for.

Anyway, my work, Dollars & Degrees: The Alarming Interrelation of Government Funding and Global Warming was well-received in the peer review process, as evidenced by the “OK” stamps on the cover sheet.

I was going to reproduce the work in full here at Das Blog, but even though capitalism is evil, I thought I would put my research into book form and have it published. Al says it’s just fine to make huge profits from global warming. It’s for the children.

To tide you over until the publication date, here are a few of the colorful graphs and charts I included, based upon computer models I personally programmed using the tried-and-true GIGO method.

As is clearly apparent in this graph, even so-called "reasonable reductions" in Federal grants for the study of global warming will cause worldwide temperatures to increase exponentially.

Conversely, exponential government spending only leads to a very slight reduction in global temperatures. Clearly, we must spend even more money in order to reduce global warming by significant levels.

Skeptics claim that climate change science is politically motivated, yet here we can plainly observe a dramatic projected increase in dead polar bears in conjunction with relatively minor increases in the Tea Party. Coincidence? I think not.

In fact, it is obvious in this chart that American politics, especially presidential elections, directly influence planetary health.

Anadyr, Siberia circa 2025 without the Carbon Tax. (Reuters.)

I hope the book sells well. After my Personal Methane Footprint Tax (I had skipped the catered peer-review luncheon of organic arugula, tofu, fava beans and endangered Chilean Seabass and had instead gone out for burritos, red cabbage and cauliflower) my $20 million grant only left me with $53.42 net.

And that damn Nobel medal is just cheap pewter with a thin coating of gold alloy plating that’s already wearing off from rubbing against the fuzzy dice and the air freshener.

Bibliography

Anonymous. “Save Gaia Yer Erth Muther”, spray painted message on I-90 overpass just outside of Bozeman, MT.

Cindy Lu, Mistress of the Occult. “Tell Your Fortune $5,” Memo for the record, Sweetgrass County Fair, 4 July 2011.

Couric, Katie. “I Hate That Bitch Palin”, CBS News Special In-Depth Investigative Report, 4 November 2008.

Cookie, Fortune. “Luncheon Buffet Special,” Wang Fu’s Pagoda of Wontons, Butt Butte, MT 9 April 2011.

Delphi, Oracle at. “Bunch of Greek Words”, Memo for the record. Mount Parnassus, Greece. 12 June 2010. Translation: Copious Amounts of Ouzo.

Dog, Buster the Wonder. “Woofs and scratches in the dirt”. Memo for the record, August 2, 2011.

Doobie, Stiff. Song Lyrics: Kyoto Requiem, Stiff Doobie and the Bongs, college grunge band, MSU, Missoula, MT, 2008.

Hippie, Old. Semi-legible Notes on a Cocktail Napkin, Joe’s Bar & Grill, Butte, MT 2011.

Left, Eileen. “We’re All Gonna Die if Obama Doesn’t Win,” Time Magazine, 1 November 2008.

Leghorn, Foghorn J. "Reading of entrails". Farmer Brown’s Barnyard, Gritsburg, AR. 1 May 2010.

Meditation, Zen. "Peaceful Thoughts in the Lotus Position", my backyard, July 25, 2011.

Eight-Ball, Magic. “Reply Hazy, Try Again”. Memo for the record, 12 July 2011.

WHO'S AFRAID OF THE FEDERAL WOLF? NOT WY, ID, or MT

"The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people."

Out here in Fly-Over Country, we're used to Eastern senators forcing edicts down our throats. If you write to those senators to weigh in on what he or she is doing outside their districts and inside yours, you get a politely-worded "F***-off. You're not in my District" letter, so you have no say in regards to what they are enacting upon you. Smacks of taxation without representation.

Anyway, the 10th Amendment of that pesky ol' Bill of Rights is rearing it's head again over wolf "management" in the "Greater Yellowstone Ecosystem". IIRC, when the wolves were re-introduced, the government and eco-fascists who signed on to the program agreed the goal was: "To remove the Northern Rocky Mountain wolf from the endangered and threatened species list by securing and maintaining a minimum of 10 breeding pairs in each of the three recovery areas for a minimum of three successive years." At one of the early meetings on the reintroduction subject, a dog-and-pony show where locals got to voice their opinions before they were ignored, I remember one old rancher's preemptive "I told you so."

"You watch." He said. "Every time we hit these agreed-upon number limits, they'll just raise the bar."

Ten years and a thousand wolves (official Fed.gov artificially very low number) after the initial reintroduction, they were still raising the bar, and Federal judges were still insisting that the wolf was "endangered". The pesky ol' States of the Union naturally have no say in what goes on with woofs in their own backyard.

Of course, it's not just Montana. In 1995, 66 wolves were reintroduced in Idaho with a goal of 10 breeding pairs to call the program successful and take them off the endangered list. Over a thousand wolves and around 50 separate breeding packs later, you guessed it, they're still endangered.

They do indeed breed like rats.
(NWMT=Northwest Montana, GYA=Greater Yellowstone Area, CID=Central Idaho)

These things breed like rats. Two packs in our valley have been "managed" by the government in our area for stock predation in the last couple of years, one just this past summer; another pack has already moved in. A friend whose family had outfitted guided hunts out of Gardiner, MT for three generations told me five years ago that his brother sold the business and quit. Hunters won't pay money to hunt elk where they no longer exist; he was talking three calves surviving per hundred head of elk. So much for "they improve herd health by taking only the sick, lame, and lazy."

An obviously sick, lame and lazy mature 5-point bull being culled for the good of the herd.

We once came upon a cow elk which strangely would not get up even as we approached; she could barely raise her head a bit to look at us. We took a closer look to see if she was sick or what. Turns out wolves had ham-strung her back legs, crippling her, and then had torn the calf fetus out of her stomach and eaten it, leaving her (barely) alive.

The head of the Fed wolf program (whose predictions thus far have been considerably less accurate than those of an Ouija Board), has been trying to dodge doing any predation studies during calving season because he knows what the results will be, but says not to worry. The wolves and elk will "regulate" themselves. When the elk numbers fall, so will the wolf numbers. Bullshit. When they wipe out a herd they just move to the next drainage and take out the next herd...and the next...and when the elk run out it's time to come down out of the hills and take out livestock...all the while reproducing exponentially, worse than registered voters in Chicago.

Life-long campers and visitors in my area, especially in the willow heavy drainages, have asked me, "Where are all the moose? We used to see them all the time up here. We could go out in the evening and always see several; now we haven't seen any all this summer."

The moose are now part of the hair you find in the wolf turds around the area. In the winter, when the snow gets belly deep on the long-legged moose, they can hardly move. Then the wolf packs help themselves.

A moose being killed by Global Warming.

Of course, the head of USFWS blamed moose declines in all wolf infested area on the ol' Global Warming boogeyman.

The fern-feelers insist that humans are the only animals that kill "for fun" and that wolves only kill just what they can eat and actually improve the herd health by taking only the unfit animals. Not knowing this, wolves have been known to lay into a herd of sheep (after killing the Great Pyrenees dogs or llamas protecting the herd) and slaughter 10 or 15 sheep but only eat 2 or 3. Or sometimes 41 sheep. Or perhaps 120 sheep in a single night. A pack can get into a killing frenzy, doing lots of "thrill kills", when it comes to easy targets, and they'll do this to any group of critters they can corner. All kinds of livestock and pets are popular targets, whether they bother to eat them or not.

Only kill what you can eat. If you're just after a tasty bunghole, leave it alive.

Of course, every time it happens the wolf lovers scream "wild dogs". Never mind the fact that no one has ever actually seen any of these roving swarms of escaped wiener dogs and black labs...but they have sure seen plenty of wolves. Never mind that plaster casts reveal footprints bigger than Great Pyrenees or Great Danes, leaving one to wonder just what in the hell breed it is of invisible wild dogs are swarming the ranchlands. An "unconfirmed" wolf kill means that everyone from the rancher's grandkids to the local game warden easily identifies it as an obvious wolf kill but then some big shot from the Feds comes down to investigate and says, "No, it must have been a renegade Chihuahua." The Oregon Stockman's Association claims only one in seven wolf kills is reported as such.

Meanwhile, while wolf "recovery" goals continue to inflate in excess of ten times the supposedly agreed-upon original number, the granola-crunchers and their pet Federal judges of the 9th Circus Court (based in California but having jurisdiction over our area) continue to keep the wolves on the "endangered" list and prevent the Rocky Mountain states from managing their own wildlife. Hard to believe Fed.gov not only fudges their figures, but they won't even stand by their own numbers...NOT.

As to those numbers, the government officially says there's 1,700 wolves in the northern Rockies. Just like unemployment figures, you need to double that to get an accurate count. Even Montana FW&P says real numbers may exceed official numbers by as much as 44%. Some sportsman's groups put the number closer to 5,000. As Will Rogers said, "There's liars, damn liars and statisticians."

People out here have had about enough. Wyoming has been telling the Feds to stick it for years. Idaho and Montana had a limited hunt last year, but the bunny-huggers got it tied back up in Federal court and shut down. With niceties and asking the Feds and eco-fascists to live up to their own agreements having failed, the states are fed up with Feds and telling Washington to go take a flying...telling them to bugger off.

So now, the state of Idaho said to hell with it. The governor told State game wardens to forget about arresting wolf "poachers" or even investigating wolf killings.

Now, Montana's Governor Brian Schweitzer is similarly telling the Feds to take a hike.

Hearteningly, this is but one of many instances of individual members of these United States telling the Feds to butt out of things far beyond their Constitutional reach...unfunded mandates, healthcare, sovereignty, firearms, law enforcement, and more. It's long overdue.

POLITICS VS. FOREST HEALTH...YOU ALREADY KNOW WHICH ONE TRUMPS THE OTHER

Across the Rocky Mountain West, at least 4 million acres of forest, 2 million in Montana alone, have been devastated by the mountain pine beetle. These disgusting little varmints bore into the tree and lay eggs beneath the bark. When they hatch, the larvae eat the inner bark, eventually killing the tree. The lodgepole pine is the most heavily hit tree species. Of course, this epidemic is much more easily spread when there are endless continuous stands of a single timber type stretching forever. Such as where all timber harvest has long been banned.

Most likely, millions of board feet of beetle-killed trees will just continue to die yet remain virtually untouched, except maybe near some urban areas. After a few years, entire drainages and hillsides turn from green to red to gray, covered with dead, bone dry timber, eventually falling over to create ladder fuels and impenetrable blowdowns. One dry summer it'll all burn like it was hit by a nuke and consume tens of thousands of acres at a time. In places, it will probably burn hot enough to be a sterilizing fire, where foliage will not grow back naturally for a long damn time and entire watersheds wind up choked with erosion and run-off.

After almost a century and a half of fire suppression, there are trees growing where they wouldn't naturally. Regular wildfires kept the mountain meadows clear of conifer encroachment. Photos of the old gold mining boom towns from the late 1800's show the hillsides in the background barren except for sagebrush. Today, those same slopes are covered with century-old stands of Doug fir that wouldn't be there without the hand of man interfering.

Even though these are not natural stands, that doesn't stop the bunny huggers from spiking the trees, in hopes of preventing harvest and killing/injuring workers in the timber industry. More love and tolerance from the left. Cleacuts as such don't happen on public (not Federal) land anymore. Cuts are much smaller, carefully laid out, irregular in shape with patches of standing timber within the boundaries left untouched, wildlife trees set aside, and with no cutting near streams. This encourages natural reseeding, and seedlings are usually planted by hand as well. Fortunately, in one recent case of tree spiking, the eco-terrorists spiked the marked "leave trees" that were set aside to remain unharvested.

There are far too many people out there who believe the propaganda that the West consists of nothing but barren old clearcuts with perhaps a half a dozen surviving trees in entire mountain ranges. I've met some of those who think that no tree should ever be cut for any reason, forever and ever, amen. This includes any salvage logging of fire-killed or beetle-killed tress. The trees are dead and going to waste anyway, but God forbid anyone get any good out of them. Naw, better to let them build up fuel for the Mother of All Forest Fires.

When originally set aside, National Forests were given the mandate to be managed for three human generations ahead. The Forest Service fell under the Department of Agriculture as trees were considered a renewable crop. In the 50's and 60's, things leaned towards one extreme and a "get the cut out" policy of too much harvesting. In the last couple of decades, the pendulum swung to the other far extreme in the favor of the tree-huggers, who don't want anything cut, period. Many of them would like to see the public pretty much banned from using public land. Except for themselves, of course. And all it takes for them to succeed is finding a left-wing Federal judge who'll rule in their favor.

I recall one kook from an eco-outfit in Bozeman being quoted in the Butte newspaper. The gist of his statement was that they knew they couldn't win their latest particular lawsuit against salvage logging of beetle killed timber, but that they could keep things tied up in court for so long that the wood would be worthless and thus go unharvested.

From what I've seen, the only "solution" they offer to saving the forests from the pine beetle epidemic is apparently to whine about global warming and demand the government confiscate more money from the taxpayer. The very same government that is dragging its feet, blundering around aimlessly, and actually hindering the Gulf oil spill clean-up. Yeah, they'll be a big fat help.

I guess this a big secret, but I'll let you in on it in a hushed whisper. "Trees grow back." They are a renewable resource. Apparently, the belief is that once trees are cut the land becomes an eternal barren wasteland resembling the surface of the moon. Trees, which have proven themselves quite capable of reproducing since the beginning of time, supposedly become extinct. And after all, trees are more important than the lives and livelihood of individuals, families, and even entire communities who once harvested timber.

Parts of the beautiful Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness in Minnesota, for instance, were logged as recently as the late 50's/early 60's. Today, most of the fern-feelers enjoying the place have no idea. I once met a couple of "hairy-legged women in comfortable shoes" on a portage trail between lakes. Stopping to chat, they immediately went into the standard, "Oh thank Gaia we saved this natural wonder from those foul, evil, blankety-blank loggers."

Being me, I couldn't help but to kick some of the gravel from the trail with my boot heel to reveal the decaying remnants of what was once called a sleeper. "That," I said, "is an old railroad tie. This trail we're on is in fact an old logging railroad grade. This place was once logged and you're telling me you can't even tell the difference?"

I was quickly included in the blankety-blank logger category. But then again, I don't think the gals had much use for any men.

At any rate, I recently just happened to be looking at pictures of the current devastation in the forests of the West and noted that the only green remaining is the young "regen" tree growth in the old logging cuts.

I fully expect the be called a no-good filthy evil blankety-blank SOB by the kind loving compassionate tolerant left for daring to voice my opinion. So be it. Like the Congressman Etheridge slapping around college students, who are you going to believe? Your own eyes or the spin of your betters at the Propaganda Ministry?

NEVER WASTE A GOOD CRISIS...EXPAND IT!!!

Remember when George W. Bush was Satan personified because he wasn’t down in New Orleans personally siphoning water with a garden hose fifteen minuets after the hurricane hit? Remember how the media and liberals and incompetent crooked mayors and governors who did absolutely nothing and the Justice Brothers threw a hissy bitch fit? Remember that the response is still being berated to this day?

In a world populated by journalists who had more integrity than tapeworms, Uncle Sammy Obammny would be getting his ass handed to him on a plate. While there are starting to be an occasional grumble, even from Chris “Tingly Leg” Matthews, about the Emperor’s nakedness, they’ve pretty much given him a pass.

So the Anointed One continues to flounder around helplessly and cluelessly, playing golf and shooting hoops and going on vacation and to big parties and fundraisers. The “most cerebral president” shows all the intelligence, integrity, and leadership of a pouty third grader. Finding out that, as President, he can’t just vote “present” on every issue like he did in the Senate, even his cheerleaders in the state-run press are becoming rather half-hearted in trying prop him up and to blame Bush for the problem.

In fact, the Obamination Administration has been making the spill worse and is actively hindering clean-up efforts!

Starting with Norway on Day One, the regime has turned down help from some 17 nations around the world who have been offering their equipment and expertise in cleaning up oil spills. Why? Because of the Jones Act.

The Jones Act, a piece of 1920’s protectionist legislation, bans foreign vessels and crews from working in U.S. waters; only unionized workers can help out. Bush waived this act immediately for Katrina and got no credit for doing so. Everybody and his dog on the Gulf Coasts wants the expert foreign help. Obama, still pandering to the unions, refuses to waive the act, even after all this time. Where’s the media outrage?

In addition to keeping out a wide variety of expert foreign help, the inept dictatorship is now closing down domestic clean-up efforts as well.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, rather than doing absolutely nothing but run around squawking about Bush (as another governor did after Katrina), has been actively doing everything possible to get things cleaned up. Louisiana’s efforts, as with the efforts of other Gulf Coast states, once again, have run up against Federal incompetence, red tape, and regulatory interference.

Sixteen oil-sucking barges were been busy in the Gulf removing thousands of gallons of oil from the Gulf for just over a week, when they were all shut down by the Coast Guard and are now sitting idle. This time the excuse is that the Coast Guard needs to conduct safety inspections for fire extinguishers and life rafts, but “cannot contact the owners of the vessels”.

Gee, I thought this administration was nature’s friend, the greenest of the Watermelons (green on the outside, Red on the inside). The Emperor is so worried about the environment he has shut down off-shore drilling, cutting off a third of our domestic oil and putting thousands and thousands of more men out of work in an already abysmal economy.

What a great leader! How cerebral! We’d be better off with a Border Collie in the Whitehouse. At least then you’d see some action, leadership, and intelligence coming out of Washington.

I can't wait until they're running our health care.