Iowa City Fire Dept. Diversity Gap

White Devils (File Photo)

In many unenlightened cities the primary evaluation of the fire department is do they or don't they arrive in a timely manner to squirt water on fires? But in the hipster hamlet of Iowa City, Iowa (no high school students, it's not our capital) they have bigger concerns for their fire department. Like does it employ enough women and present a cultural cross-section representative of anywhere but Iowa?

A quick study of the I.C. fire department shows that is currently infested with 90% white males. That, of course, is simply unacceptable. A cadet program with local high schools is being implemented to help the department close its appalling "diversity gap."

While many simpletons may not see a problem with the lily-white force, this diversity gap has real-world consequences. Two I.C. residents have seen firsthand the carnage wrought by the fire department's lack of diversity. In fact, their home burned to the ground because of it. Helga Miles-Theisen, an assistant woman's track coach at the U of I, and Betsy Miles-Theisen, a physical education teacher at I.C.'s Tate High School, told us about the night their house burned down late last October. 

"The fire started when we left our Hungry-Man dinners in the oven too long," explained Mrz. Miles-Theisen. "When the fire department arrived we noticed right away what an non-diverse group they were. We decided right then and there that we weren't gonna allow them to oppress our home with their big phallic hoses. We locked arms and stood in front of them; an impenetrable wall of flannel. Soon our neighbors joined in and we all sang 'We Shall Overcome.'"

After the house burned to the foundation, the other Mrz. Miles-Theisen recalls how the firefighters added insult to injury. "When the pale-scrotumed savages finally gave up and left, I heard one of them refer to us as 'a couple of dingbats.' I can only assume that's some sort of sexist epithet."

While diversity programs may help remedy these problems, some forward-thinking I.C. citizens are questioning whether the city even needs a fire department. Dr. Moonbeam Grass-Weaver Dysentery, a tenured professor of Transcendental Environmentalist Studies at the U of I spoke in favor of abolishing the city's fire department outright at a recent city council meeting. "First of all, I'm not comfortable with the term Fire-fighter," explained Dr. Dysentery. "Can't we all learn to live in peace and harmony with Fire, as we should with Earth and Wind?"

The city council ran with Dr. Dysentery's idea and unanimously voted to conduct a $625,000 year-long study to better understand the motivation of Fire. Perhaps with the fire department abolished, all those firefighters will have time, while standing in the unemployment line, to reflect upon their years of watery oppression of our fiery brothers and sisters.

LAST RELIGION OF PEACE UPDATE?

Why might this by the last Religion of Peace Update? Well, because the OIC and the UN (and of course the Obama Regime) are taking the first steps to OUTLAW CRITICISM OF ISLAM.

The OIC is the largest head of state organization in the world after the United Nations (UN) itself and comprises 56 Muslim countries plus the Palestinians. It claims to be the "collective voice of the Muslim world," i.e., the ummah, and speaks on its behalf in effect as the seat of the next Islamic Caliphate. In 1990, the OIC membership adopted the "Cairo Declaration," which officially exempted all Muslim countries from compliance with the UN Universal Declaration on Human Rights and replaced it with Islamic law (shariah).

One of the fundamental laws of Islam deals with "slander," which is defined in shariah as saying "anything concerning a person [a Muslim] that he would dislike." At the OIC's Third Extraordinary Session, held in Mecca, Saudi Arabia in December 2005, the organization adopted a Ten-Year Programme of Action to Meet the Challenges Facing the Muslim Ummah in the 21st Century." A key agenda item of that meeting was "the need to counter Islamophobia" by seeking to have the UN "…adopt an international resolution to counter Islamophobia, and call upon all States to enact laws to counter it, including deterrent punishments." The word "Islamophobia" is a completely invented word, coined by the International Institute of Islamic Thought (IIIT), a Muslim Brotherhood (Ikhwan) front group. OIC adoption of the term reflects the close operational relationship between the OIC and the Ikhwan.

Six years later, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is due to host OIC Secretary General Ekmeleddin Ihsanoglu in Washington, DC in mid-December 2011 to discuss how the United States can implement the OIC agenda to criminalize criticism of Islam.

There you have it boys and girls. Soon you may not be able to say anything a Muslim might dislike. And of course the Obama Regime wants to hop on board to see how the U.S. can "criminalize criticism of Islam." Pay no attention to that First Amendment behind the curtain!

Of course you already figured the good ol' United Nations, which hasn't really done anything worth a shit since about 1950, was in on it. UNESCO recently voted 107 to 15 to admit the Palestinians as a member. Why the United States taxpayer has to fund 22%--roughly $80,000,000 a year--of this for-shit do-nothing organization that hates our guts is waaayyyy beyond my pay grade. Sure makes you miss Ronald Reagan. He cut American funding to UNESCO; it was not Bill Clinton but "conservative" George W. Bush who re-instated that funding after 20 years. Well, we have so much extra money just lying around collecting dust, why not?

For those who don't know how the UN actually works, here is a simple synopsis which explains it, short and sweet.

"White man come in great iron bird. Slay simba with fire-stick. Make Chief Umbulla senior member of United Nations Security Council."

So, while you can't say anything a Muslim would dislike, if you are a Muslim, feel free to kill and butcher thousands of Christians around the world, or anyone who pisses you off, or merely annoys you, or happens to be present when you set off an IED. To paraphrase the most cerebral president's well-thought-out and intellectual call to action in 2008, "Yes you can!"

Meanwhile, here's your Religion of Peace update thus far for December 2011, while I can still mention it with being arrested and beheaded.

2011.12.10 Sham, Pakistan: Terrorists take down a child and injure three women with a landmine.
2011.12.10 Jos, Nigeria: Islamists bomb an outdoor bar showing a soccer match on TV, killing at least one fan.
2011.12.10 Khakrez, Afghanistan: Sunni bombers murder three civilians riding a taxi.
2011.12.10 Kunduz, Afghanistan: Islamists attach a bomb to a bicycle that manages to kill two innocents.
2011.12.10 Landikotal, Pakistan: Religious extremists tear down two Sufi shrines and murder an elderly caretaker.
2011.12.09 Karachi, Pakistan: A 45-year-old Shia man is gunned down in his own home by Wahhabis.
2011.12.09 Yala, Thailand: Militant Muslims shoot a 28-year-old man to death outside a rubber plantation.
2011.12.09 Ghazi Abad, Afghanistan: A Shahid suicide bomber detonates inside a mosque, killing six.
2011.12.07 Dammaj, Yemen: Sunni Islamists open fire on a group of Shia, killing three. 2011.12.07 Pattani, Thailand: A Buddhist cop is murdered by a Muslim drive-by.
2011.12.07 Sangin, Afghanistan: Holy Warriors massacre nineteen bus passengers, including five children, with a landmine.
2011.12.07 Kaduna, Nigeria: Very young children are among the casualties of a Shahid suicide bombing in a commercial district.
2011.12.06 Mazar-i-Sharif, Afghanistan: Four Shiites leaving a mosque are sent straight to Allah by Sunni bicycle bombers.
2011.12.06 Kabul, Afghanistan: About eighty Shiite pilgrims, including women and children, are torn to shreds outside a shrine by a Sunni wearing an explosives vest packed with ball bearings.
2011.12.06 Kirkuk, Iraq: Sunnis fire mortars at a Shia mosque, killing one occupant.
2011.12.06 Mogadishu, Somalia: Fedayeen suicide bomber scatters the body parts of at least four victims along a city street.
2011.12.06 Pulwama, India: Islamic militants abduct and murder a civilian.
2011.12.05 Baghdad, Iraq: A Sunni roadside bomb attack on a Shia procession leaves eight pilgrims dead.
2011.12.05 Maiduguri, Nigeria: Two people praying at a mosque are gunned down by Religion of Peace rivals.
2011.12.05 Hillah, Iraq: Two dozen pilgrims, mostly women and children, are ripped apart by three Sunni car bombs.
2011.12.05 , Kohat, Pakistan: Muslim militants fire a rocket into a market, killing two people. 2011.12.05 Bosaso, Somalia: al-Shabaab extremists gun down a rival cleric at a mosque. 2011.12.05 Chora, Afghanistan: Four children and a woman are dismantled by a Taliban roadside bomb.
2011.12.05 Latifiyah, Iraq: Sunni bombers take down two Shiite pilgrims on foot.
2011.12.04 Bayaa, Iraq: Sunni bombers manage to take down a Shia pilgrim on foot.
2011.12.04 Bauchi, Iraq: A boy is among six people killed by a Boko Haram bombing and shooting attack..
2011.12.03 Jaffarabad, Pakistan: Two people are shot to death on suspicion of 'illicit relations'. 2011.12.03 Boraldai, Kazakhstan: Two policemen are shot to death by a group of Muslim radicals.
2011.12.03 Zakho, Iraq: Thrity-two people are injured during a rampage by fundamentalists against Christian-owned businesses.
2011.12.03 Zinjibar,Yemen: Five local soldiers are taken out in a brutal al-Qaeda ambush. 2011.12.03 Baghdad, Iraq: A man and his wife are murdered by Islamist gunmen.
2011.12.03 Baaj, Iraq: Three brothers are shot to death in their home by Sunni militants. 2011.12.03 Maiduguri, Nigeria: Boko Haram Islamists fire into a wedding ceremony, killing the groom and a guest.
2011.12.03 Karachi, Pakistan: Two men are shot to death by sectarian Jihadis.
2011.12.03 Iskandariya, Iraq: Three innocent people are killed by an 'insurgent' roadside bomb.
2011.12.02 Taji, Iraq: al-Qaeda bombers take down four Iraqis, including a man and his mother.
2011.12.02 Landi Kotal, Pakistan: Two peace committee members are murdered by armed radicals.
2011.12.02 al-Sharqat, Iraq: Three civilian defense volunteers are machine-gunned at a checkpoint by al-Qaeda.
2011.12.02 Ghayl, Yemen: al-Qaeda gunmen spray the inside of a coffee shop with bullets, leaving at least two dead.
2011.12.02 Logar, Afghanistan: A suicide truck bomber kills a carpenter and injures about eighty others.
2011.12.02 Khyber, Pakistan: Three women and two children are killed in the crossfire between two Islamist groups.
2011.12.01 Iraq Khalis 10 25 Ten patrons at a vegetable market are ripped apart by a well-placed bomb.
2011.12.01 Jil al-Said, Iraq: al-Qaeda gunmen pull eight people from their homes, line them up against the wall and shoot them.
2011.12.01 Yala, Thailand: A local soldier is killed by a bomb planted by Islamic 'insurgents'.

2011.12.06 Kabul, Afghanistan

And remember, gang. Only thirteen killing days left 'til Christmas. Before it's outlawed too.

Australian 101

In an exchange a while back with Jim (me and Bawb's unofficial liaison to Australia) I joked about our blogs "countless legions of fans Down Under."  But after I thought about it, I realized that we here at Das Blog are not doing nearly enough to make our Aussie friends feel welcome and separate them from their money (or "pesos" as they say).  I therefore set out to change that.  First I figured I must learn as much as I could about Australia.

So, in the name of sociology and international goodwill, I began my study.  After watching the Mad Max trilogy and all 11 seasons of The Paul Hogan Show back-to-back, drinking Foster's at an Outback Steakhouse and spending countless hours of close analysis of an Elle MacPherson swimsuit calender, I dare say that I now know so much about the country that I should rightfully be declared the new king of Australia (or President or chieftain or whatever they have down there).


Australians (Photo of entire population.)

 Since studies have shown that many American graduates can't identify their own country on a map, much less someone else's, I set out to prove my worth by finding Australia on my globe.  (One has to be able to do that sort of thing if one is to be king.)  My efforts were quickly frustrated when I realized that, like most good Americans, I only had a globe of the United States.  So I trekked to the local Walmart, got myself a fancy world globe and my search for Australia began in Earnest (my hometown).

Unfortunately, I must have purchased an out of date world globe because I was unable to find Australia on it.  However, I was able to find Madagascar or Italy or some shit.  I quickly claimed this new found land for myself.  (It is now called Benonia.  Please use a permanent marker to update your own world globes at home.)

In my research I found that one of the main differences between the Australians and the Americans is our language.  For instance the Australians call a fight a "blue" and a sandwich a "sanger."  When you string words and phrases like these together into what we masterful wordsmiths call "sentences," the end result can be quite different in Australian and American.  Consider the following two examples:

Example 1

In American:  "I almost hit an Indian with my truck and the drunk bastard puked on the hood."

In Australian:  "I nearly struck an Aborigine with my ute and the pissed up lil' bugger chundered on the bonnet."

Example 2

In American:  "I had an enjoyable Sunday morning."

In Australian:  "I got pissed up and punched out a 'roo!"

Since our blog is obviously a written medium, it is all about the language.  So I'm announcing that henceforth Australian subtitles will appear in squiggly brackets (these things:{}) for our hemispherically challenged readers.

We hope that this will make the blog more enjoyable for everyone, especially guys in Australia {blokes here}.  Oh, and keep sending us those pesos.  Thanks!  {Walla-walli dinky doo!}