WHERE ALL THE FREE SHIT COMES FROM...

THE STUPID, IT BERNS!

THE DOG ATE MY SCOPE

My wife needed a new scope with more magnification on her hunting rifle; she’s been getting by for ten years with a 2.5x pistol scope on an 03A3 Springfield configured as a scout rifle. She’s collected a pile of mule deer and whitetails with it, but the long-range shooting required for antelope hunting really does call for greater magnification.

So, for her birthday in early January, I ordered a Leatherwood 2-7x32mm Long Eye Relief scope from Natchez on 12/28. I had waited until the last minute, as usual, so I wasn’t going to get my panties in a wad if it didn’t make it here in time for her birthday. I was, however, pretty sure I’d have it before February.

Therein lay my mistake, for I was dealing with a big-name private shipper who is apparently vying with the US Postal Service for the coveted Lame & Incompetent Sloth Delivery Service Award. I won’t “say da name”, but I’ll give you a hint; their trucks are not brown.

After several days, I checked the tracking number on my order. To my surprise, I found out it had been delivered to my residence two days prior. This was news to me, as I had been home that day, and no little white truck had been here.

Since we live in a rural area and were trying to be nice, we’ve given both big name shippers permission to drop our packages off at the neighbor’s house on the main road when and if our road is too muddy or snowy. Since we got our tractor and I’ve been plowing snow all winter and laying down gravel all summer for a couple of years now, the road is seldom if ever actually “bad” these days. The guy in the little brown truck never has any problem driving up here and delivering packages. Nor did the guy in the propane delivery truck, or the neighbor who stopped by in a Chevy Caprice. The little white truck, which happens to be, IIRC, an F-250 4x4 with a cargo box, hasn’t been seen at our house in months. The driver immediately interpreted “when the road is bad” to mean 365 days out of the year and took to just automatically dumping our stuff off at the neighbors every single time to save himself a half mile up and down our road.

Still, we could live with that since either the wife or I will drive past the neighbor’s place and pick it up on a normal day.

This time, however, the package didn’t get delivered to us or the neighbor’s house. Nor did two other packages, from different companies, supposedly delivered by the same carrier. First, I went around to all the neighbors asking if any of our packages had been delivered to them by mistake. As I said, we are rural, but there’s only two named roads, both perfectly straight, and a grand total of five houses in a mile section. You can see them all from the main road, it’s wide-open sagebrush country. There are only two houses on Arrowhead Road, and we’re one of them. There’s only ONE house on West Arrowhead, and we’re it. You can’t go past our driveway, since the road turns into a two-track through a cow pasture that is at the moment covered with two feet of snow.

So, since no packages had been delivered to us or to any of the neighbors, we started calling the shipper. We got a big fat dog and pony show and had to wait on hold for long periods of time in order to speak to different clueless morons who, in turn, each gave us completely different answers. Finally we had to file claims for the lost packages. Eventually, these claims ground their way through the shipper’s Federalesque bureaucracy, where the claims were of course denied because the driver said he had delivered the packages to us.

After about a week of phone tag, we finally got to talk to someone from the shipper’s local office in Bozeman instead of one of the 1-800 Helpline people in New York or New Delhi or wherever the hell they were. The shipper insisted the driver had delivered the packages but, he said, and I quote, “There was this big German shepherd hanging around and it could have carried the packages off.”

I shit you not. What is this, third grade? “The dog ate my homework.” Really?

I doggedly hung on the line and noted the fact that neither we nor any of the neighbors even have a German shepherd and after some hemming and hawing, the driver finally admitted he hadn’t actually delivered to our place. But he had, as per instructions, delivered to the neighbors mentioned earlier. We’ll say SMITH at 2 WIGWAM Lane. So both the wife and I checked in with them again. Nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch.

I went the rounds of the entire neighborhood again and finally found one of the three MIA packages, which the driver continued to insist had been delivered to Smith at 2 Wigwam Lane. It had actually been left with Jones at 15 Wigwam. There are only TWO houses on Wigwam Lane. Smith’s is kind of hard to miss as they’re on the intersection with the main road and have three big 100-foot greenhouses and the business name and address on a header gate. Jones is another quarter mile up Wigwam and at the end of a quarter mile long private lane.

So we called the shipper again with proof that at least one of the packages the driver insisted had gone to Smith actually went to Jones and that nobody had seen the other two MIAs. They basically said, “Our driver says he delivered it and a signature wasn’t required so tough shit.”

Fortunately, thus far two of the sellers, Natchez and Macy’s, made good on the shipper’s screw-ups and re-sent our purchases, and this time we made sure they were sent via the guys in the little brown trucks and not the buffoons in the little white trucks. The status of the 3^rd MIA package remains in limbo for the moment.

Some might say I’m being too hard on a new delivery driver. He is, after all, apparently freshly escaped from the monkey house at the Seattle Zoo and the price of bananas is going up lately. But, as I pointed out, the guy in the little brown truck and his occasional substitute drivers have never once had a problem delivering to us.

By the way, yes I have indeed walked a mile in this guy’s moccasins, as it were. I drove truck on delivery routes in rural Iowa and rural Montana, back in the days before GPS and cell phones, and never had any such problems. It’s not rocket science. I figured anyone with opposable thumbs and a third grade literacy level could handle it.

I was wrong. Plus our driver didn’t pass the third grade. Turns out the dog ate his homework.

Hypocritical Buttmunch Decries Militarized Police

“[T]he scenes that we saw in Ferguson, Missouri, this past week, with a militarized police force facing down innocent protesters with sniper rifles and machine guns is totally unacceptable in America." So said U.S. Represenatative Wm. Lacy Clay Jr. (D) Missouri, who represents Ferguson, Missouri.


Rep. Wm. Lacy Clay Jr.
(D-bag, Missouri)

After the events in Ferguson, Rep. Clay and Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D), Missouri, met with Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel to discuss the "1033 program" which gives federal military equipment to local police. In his words: "The discussion allowed us to share our objections, and those of our constituents, who are seeking a vigorous review of the existing 1033 program and some important changes to ensure public safety and the preservation of fundamental constitutional rights.


"That includes the right to assemble and peacefully protest without the unacceptable threat of an overbearing police response which targets law-abiding citizens with military weapons and technology."


He also hoped "that this effort will spur a national discussion about how to achieve a fundamental shift in local law enforcement, away from military-style responses, and towards a more community-based policy.”


Rep. Clay certainly sounds passionately in opposition of arming local police with military weapons. Yet in June this conniving little weasel voted against an amendment that would have prohibited the transfer of certain military surplus items to police.


According to reason.com: "In June, the House of Representatives voted on a series of amendments to H.R. 4435, the National Defense Authorization Act.  Among the amendments was one by Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.) which would’ve prohibited funds from being used to transfer certain kinds of military surplus to local police departments. The amendment failed by a wide margin, with only 62 votes for and 355 against.


"House leadership on both sides also voted against it, including Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), Steny Hoyer (D-Md.), Eric Cantor (R-Va.), and Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.)"


Of the 41 voting members of the House Black Caucus (many of whom are now decrying police militarization) only 7 voted for the Grayson amendment.


None of this is meant to defend the federal government's giveaway program. (It's unconstitutional, like most of what they do. Besides, if they want to give away MRAP's and grenade launchers, give me and Bawb some!) It's just meant to point out that Congresscritters like Lacy Clay are two-faced creeps. I'm sure he'll be reelected handily.



Potentially Fatal ‘Knockout’ Game Targeting Strangers May Be Spreading

Okay we've all heard of flash mobs. But now urban youths have found a new way to get their jollies, a violent game called "Knockout." In this game a young punk will sneak up and punch a random passerby on the street, trying to knock the other person unconscious with one punch. In the following video a man offering directions gets sucker-punched out, a teacher walking down the street gets punched in the side of the head and an unsuspecting woman gets punched from behind in the base of her skull. Several people have been killed already.

Video: Potentially Fatal ‘Knockout’ Game Targeting Strangers May Be Spreading « CBS DC

Do the Ruskies still have nukes pointed at our major cities? If so, let's taunt them.

Update 11/24/2013: Sometimes they "knock" back. 60 Year Old Woman Shoots and Kills 2 Teens After Being Punched. Hope this sends other punks a message.

YOU MIGHT BE A LIBERAL IF...

    

You Might be a Liberal if…

1.     You think a journalist briefly embedded with American troops immediately loses all objectivity and credibility, but that a journalist with his head permanently embedded up Barack Obama’s ass can see everything with unusual clarity and honesty.

2.     You screamed and ranted to have Guantanamo Bay permanently shut down every day for years, but haven’t uttered a single peep about it since Day 2 of Obama’s First Term.

3.     You proudly proclaim yourself to be fully Pro-Choice, but insist that others should not be allowed to choose to buy a gun, pick their children’s school, smoke a cigarette, practice their religion, have their own doctor or purchase an extra-large soda.

4.     You have constant, irresistible urges to mindlessly bleat and follow the herd.

5.     You believe that the phrase “Separation of Church and State” actually appears in the United States Constitution.

6.     You believe “separation of church and state” means that the government can monitor and tell a Christian pastor exactly what he can or cannot say within the confines of his own church but that Muslim Sharia law should supersede American civil and criminal law.

7.     You know that “the right of the People” actually means “only the National Guard” and that “shall not be infringed” translates into “total control at the government’s whim.”

8.     You believe the purpose of the education system is to promote children’s self esteem and to “advance social justice” so it doesn’t matter if the kids can’t do basic math and are functionally illiterate upon graduation from high school.

9.     You think Adolph Hitler was a mass murderer but that Joseph Stalin was a “world democratic leader” and Mao Tse Tung was a “people’s agrarian reformer”.

10.                         You eagerly accept Al Jazeera, Whitehouse press releases, the SPLC, fortune cookies and Ouija boards as 100% reliable news sources but won’t watch Fox News because it’s all a pack of lies.

11.                        You think you are saving the planet by driving an electric car which is re-charged from a coal-fired power plant’s electricity and generates a large amount of toxic metal waste every few years when you have to replace the inefficient rechargeable lithium battery.

12.                         You believe that prior to 2008, Bush and Cheney were personally responsible and maliciously culpable when consumer gasoline prices rose anywhere over $4 per gallon, but whenever gas hits the same price range under Obama, the president has absolutely nothing to do with these sort of things and has no control over them anyway.

13.                         You think that the worst economy, unemployment and net job losses since the Great Depression for almost four years running is a fabulously successful government-led economic recovery and rebound.

14.                         You believe that the only thing the Media should “fact-check” for the duration of Obama’s Presidency is Saturday Night Live skits.

15.                         You refer to a Muslim or minority who happily machine-guns a school bus full of nuns and Girl Scouts on live television as “the alleged shooter”, “misunderstood” and innocent until proven guilty. At the same time, if a petty criminal paid government informant alleges that a white militia member advocated something violent, he should automatically be referred to in perpetuity as an evil racist homophobic bigoted blood-thirsty hate-mongering murderer.

16.                         You think that large American cities such as Detroit and Chicago lying in physical and fiscal ruins was caused by not enough government.

17.                        You see absolutely no contradiction and believe both when the government tells you that four out of five American school children go hungry each day while at the same time saying that seven out of ten American school children are grossly obese.

18.                         You believe no one should need to show any form of ID whatsoever to vote in an election but that it’s perfectly reasonable and acceptable that you should have to present two forms of government-issued ID, a DNA sample and submit to a full body search in order to attend a speech by Eric Holder explaining why you don’t need any ID to vote.

19.                         You think that paid union thugs and/or paid OWS protestors screaming for “war” and committing acts of violence and vandalism in the streets falls under the category of “peaceful, productive civil discourse” but that the Tea Party is an inherently dangerous army of hate-mongers with a penchant for violence who must be immediately and fully suppressed by government forces using any means necessary.

20.                        You believe that if you have a black father, a white mother and a last name of Obama, you are 100% black but if you have an Hispanic father, a white mother, and a last name of Zimmerman, you are 100% white. And racist.

21.                        You know that Freedom of Speech is rendered null and void if said speech might possibly offend a Liberal and/or cause “hurt feelings.”

22.                         You got really pissed off reading this.

 

AN EDUCATED AND INFORMED ELECTORATE

The liberal elite, especially in politics, the press and academia, always attribute to themselves a smug intellectual superiority to the washed masses on the "other side". We drooling hicks out here in Guns 'n' Bibles cretin Country, who march in lockstep to our masters' commands, with small minds and small thinking (you know...the Constitution, rights, freedom, sovereignty, etc.) are obviously inferior in intellect.  We are brain-washed buffoons willing to do the bidding of giant corporations and evil Republicans at the drop of a hat. To prove this, the libs come up with brilliant oratory and sweeping ideas expressing deep thoughts and a profound understanding of  Utopian ideals.

"Hope 'n' Change."
"Yes We Can."
"O-ba-ma."
"Give Me Money!"

A gathering of a million individuals, on their own initiative, without any Big Two Party affiliation, to express conscious and rational beefs against governmental excesses and over-reach, if it gets reported at all, is an Astroturf Movement, robots clanking in step, doing the bidding of their dark overlords. A gathering of four lesbians and eight paid protestors with misspelled placards, on the other hand, is "Grass Roots", a "Movement", "the People."



Take, for instance, the recent "protests" against Karl Rove. Here we see a true George Soros funded Rent-A-Mob (TM) Grass Roots political movement with deeply-felt convictions which the participants express with great credence and eloquence indeed.

Such as:
"Bullshit. Get off it.
The enemy is profit."

"Karl Rove is...a guy."

"Just right now in the conference was my first time hearing his name."

"I don't like the guy."

Or my favorite, see how many times you can work the talking point phrase "Neo-Con Agenda" into one sentence.

That last guy is...a guy. And I don't like the guy. See, we can offer intellectual political discourse as well.

YOU GET DOWN THE FIDDLE AND YOU GET DOWN THE BOW

WASHINGTON D.C., 2017: The sky is black with smoke and people go about outside with respirators on. Flames lick the skyline in all direction. Vandals and Visogoths plunder the streets. The smoke cloud can be seen as far away as China. The "leaders" of these United States heroically gather for another historic bi-partisan conference to discuss whether maybe something should be done.

Zero Nero puts down his fiddle. “That’s uh uh uh a little ditty Bill Ayers wrote um under the pen name Barack Obama. The song is uh called Brother, Can You Spare 800 Hillion Bajillion Dollars.”

“That’s not funny. Eight hundred hillion bajillion bucks is almost 40 Yuan. With our credit rating, I don’t think even George Soros will give us that much,” worries the token GOP left-leaning RINO Moderate, reaching across the aisle. Zero Nero slaps his hand.

“Always with the negative waves, Mitt.” Zero takes a big drag on his joint and shakes his head. “Always with the negative waves.”

“Next he’ll be wanting to cut the School Lunch, Breakfast, Supper, Midnight Snack and Free Abortion Program and starve the children!” Nancy shrieks shrilly. “That is out of the question!”

“People, please,” Says little Timmy the Tax Cheat, formerly the only man smart enough to fix the economy. “We’re here to discuss the raging inferno out there that the media is becoming unable to suppress. We need to pretend we’re doing something about it, or least give the impression that we have a clue. So shut up, Mitt.”

“The proper way to say it,” Rahm huffs. “Is shut the [expletive deleted] up, Mitt, you [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted].

“Rahm, what in Allah's name are you doing back here?” asks spiritual advisor former Reverend now Imam Al. “I thought you were in Chicago with my colleague Jeremiah.”

“Chicago is a smoldering [expletive deleted] ash heap. I thought I would be of more use back here in Sodom on Potomac.”

“Pwease,” says Bawney. “We’we hewe to discuss that waging infewno outside. Why just yestewday, the peasants made it acwoss my moat and Igor almost wan out of buwning pitch! My fweind Bwuce was having a sweep-over, and he was tewwibly fwightened.”

“Bawney’s Wight.” Rham says. “[Expletive deleted]! Now you’ve got me talking like that you [expletive deleted] fop!”

“Stop uh it! We have to stop this um um ah bickering and find an answer to this economic downturn uh ah er which is not rebounding as quickly as uh uh expected.” Nero pulls back the curtain. “Just look at that.”

Outside, Chinese Repo men topple the Washington Monument and begin to haul away the granite blocks. A small crowd of ragged Americans tries to block their way, but a squadron of DHS Apache attack helicopters “disperses” them with cannon fire and rockets.

Even Zero winces. “Do we always have to use the um ah helicopters? What if some ah some ah some ah peasant films it on his cell phone and puts it on Youtube?”

Eric chuckles evilly, “What Youtube?”

“The one on the um Internet.”

Janet chuckles evilly, “What Internet?”

Eric chimes back in. “Yeah. Besides, those thirty millimeter cannons are using rubber ‘less lethal’ shells.”

“Less lethal than what?”

“B-52 carpet bombing, for one.”

“Back to the business at hand. What lies should we tell the people to give the illusion that we are doing something about this economic set-back which can be easily corrected with just one more stimulus plan?” Dingy Harry asks.

“Tee-hee,” titters Bawney. “You souwd wike Kewmit the Fwog with asthma.”

“Oh, you’re one to talk!”

“Hey! I know!” Zero Nero stands up. “We could ask TOTUS (Teleprompter of the United States). He’s um ah smarter than the rest of us here put together. I uh uh for one never did understand all this economic claptrap. Never have, never will.”

“Is that because you never had a real [expletive deleted] job or worked a day in your life?”

“That’s ridiculous. I worked hard as a community organizer.”

“I said a real [expletive deleted] job."

“But the economy!” Nancy shrieks shrilly, slabs of makeup the size of corn flakes cracking and falling off her face.

“Let’s blame Bush,” Zero says brightly.

“I don’t know. Not even Chris Matthews can say that with a straight face any more.” This from the Regime’s 48^th Press Secretary.

“[Expletive deleted]!”

“We can no longer just issue meaningless platitude press releases saying that green shoots are showing again or that Nero is focused like a laser on jobs. The Propaganda Ministry, er, I mean the objective mainstream media, only has 27 viewers left and a credibility rating of minus two percent.”

“Hey you [expletive deleted]. How would you like to be the [expletive deleted] forty-ninth ex press secretary? I’m sure Eric can [expletive deleted] get you to the head of the line on the gulag waiting list.”

“Yeah, Mister Smarty Pants.” Zero Nero adds. “Just ah um er how do you suggest we go through the ah ah ah er motions of pretending to put out the fire?”

“We could pour more gasoline on it.” Nancy shrieks shrilly.

“The public quit believing that after Stimulus XVII.”

“Uh, OK, how about napalm then?”

“Moron.”

“Why don’t we stage a terrorist attack? The sheeple always come bleating to us and grovel in fear, begging us to take away any remaining freedoms which might have slipped through the cracks thus far.” Janet looks around smugly after this suggestion.

“I uh um er ah like it!”

“The problem is finding a credible target. All our population centers and infrastructure already lie in ruins. We could drop an H-Bomb and no one would notice.”

“I warned you once about those um um ah negative waves, Mitt. Don’t make me have Eric uh ah take you to the er Special Room.”

“How about our friends in Hollywood?” Dianne chirps. “They could make some more movies about a military take-over of the government or the terror of the McCarthy years to distract people.”

“Ah, circuses.” Nods Zero Nero. “We could um uh give them free popcorn in lieu of bread.”

“[Expletive deleted]! California was the first to [expletive deleted] go; they went under months ago. There’s nothing left in that [expletive deleted] place.”

“What about our uh er undocumented voter friends?”

“They went back to [expletive deleted] Mexico for more jobs and a higher standard of living.”

“We could tell the masses not to worry, that unemployment is still under ten percent by our figures.” Dingy Harry warbles.

Everyone in the room collapses onto the floor in fits of hysterical laughter.

Wiping tears of mirth from the corner of his eyes, Zero says, “Thanks for lightening the mood, Dingy. I needed a good laugh.” A thoughtful look comes over his face. “Uh, um you think it might actually still work?”

“But the real number is ninety three percent. Nobody but the media believes our ‘official’ numbers anymore.”

“[Expletive deleted]!”

“Two words, Mitt,” growls Eric. “Special Room.”

Rifle fire rattles against the bulletproof windows.

“I thought we confiscated all uh er oh those damn things, Eric!”

“We did. Unfortunately, people are buying back all those guns we gave to Mexican drug cartels. They’re worth more per ounce than cocaine now.”

“We couldn’t have given them that many guns.”

“I know nutting!”

A flight of DHS fighter-bombers makes a low sweep over Pennsylvania Avenue dropping cluster bombs. The gunfire ceases for the moment.

“But, once more, what about our economic recovery program which has been un un unexpectedly slowed by the policies of Bush and Cheney?”

RP stands up in the back of the room. “We could follow the rule of law in the Constitution, stop spending like drunken sailors, cease funding ninety four percent of the UN and get the hell out of policing every other nation on earth.”

“[Expletive deleted]! How did that [expletive deleted] get in here? Guards!”

A platoon of DHS agents come stomping into the room in their jackboots, gleefully bludgeon RP repeatedly with night sticks, taser him four or five time, mace him, and then whomp on him some more with the nightsticks just for good measure. His limp form is dragged from the room.

“That was ridic ridic ah um silly! We’re here to offer the illusion of real solutions, not that terrorist outlawed hate speech ‘constitution’ [expletive deleted].”

“Need I remind you all that the Supreme Court, a wise Latina woman making it a 5-4 decision, has ruled that mentioning the constitution, especially the first amendment, is considered hate speech and thus unconstitutional. You can be shot for it.”

“But what are we going to do?” Nancy shrieks shrilly.

“I just happen to [expletive deleted] have a nice little ten thousand acre ‘ranch’ in Venezula, with a dozen elaborate villas and a small thousand-man detail of ‘private security consultants’ with aircraft and [expletive deleted] tanks.”

Zero Nero brightens visibly. “My good friend uh ah er um Hugo tells me the climate is wonderful!”

“Pack your bags, everybody!” Michelle commands. “No need for you to pack any pants, dear. Call Air Force One. We’re outta here!”

A swarm of rats rushes through the room, fleeing the sinking ship. The entire assemblage jumps to their feet and pelt after them screaming, “We’re first! We’re first!”

Outside, the smoke grows thicker.

Vet Kicked From Class On Vets Day

On Veterans Day, a day we typically honor veterans, an Iowa two-time Iraq war vet was being kicked to the curb by Des Moines Area Community College (DMACC) staff.  The veteran was turned away from class at the Ankeny campus because he had a service dog assisting him and the teacher felt it may be a distraction to other students.  By law service animals must be admitted unless they are behaving inappropriately.



DMACC Professor:
"Screw you, baby killer, and
your little dog too!"



The dog helps the veteran with his post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  Nicole Shumate, the executive director of a local nonprofit that trains service dogs explains:  "A lot of times what the dog will do, is sometimes they will stand right in front of you so no one can approach too closely. They will watch behind you so if someone approaches behind you they will wag their tail, so the recipient will only see the tail wagging and it's just awareness that someone is close behind you.”

Although the instructor has since apologized, local veteran's groups remain livid.  Harry Goldsmith, president of the local VFW post told us, "I can't believe my generation fought the Japs, Krauts, and both Italian soldiers for some fascist shenanigans like this to... Zzzzzzzzzz."  The commander of the Des Moines chapter of the Vietnam Veterans Association, Huey Smith said, "I'd like to frag that teacher's commie ass!"  The Des Moines chapter of the Fraternal Veterans of the Great War did not return our calls.



Mr. Snuggikins:
Dreaded scourge of academia

 However some were supportive of the teacher's decision.  Richard Johnson, spokesman for the DMACC Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, or Attracted to Sock Puppets Alliance (GLBTASPA) told Ben and Bawb's Blog that the teacher made the right call.  "Our group was sponsoring our second annual Carmen Miranda dress-up week.  One of our members was in that class and had adorned his shoulder with a colorful live macaw, which would have been frightened by that big brute's dog."

Check back here often for fair and objective reporting on this and other issues.

[Proffesor's quote based upon actual words he has probably spoken in the course of his life, though probably not all once.]

VETERAN'S DAY CHUCKLE: The Corpseman Cometh

For the benefit of those who get their information from the MSM, one of Barack's s many, many, many "overlooked" gaffes was to refer to a Navy Corpsman as a "Corpseman" (more than once) during a speech. Some days he can't even deliver coherent speech when reading from the TOTUS.

What? You didn't hear about that little gaffe? But I'll bet you heard all about how Dubya pronounces "nuclear", didn't you?

I wonder if the most cerebral president can say "potato" without a teleprompter.

WARNING! NO COFFEE IN YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU WATCH THIS!

Thanks to Mattexian for finding this hilarious video of the elite and much-feared Kenyan Special Forces in action.

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WHERE DO FISH COME FROM? YOU'LL NEVER GUESS.

I saw the story of this incredibly shallow buffoon, DAVID COPP, over at Angry's and I just had to pass the tale along so that this horse's ass can be properly ridiculed and mocked around the globe.

It seems Mr. (and I use the term lightly) Copp took his children on vacation to a seaside British fishing village where they horrified when unexpectedly exposed to...fishing and fish. Copp and the kiddies apparently found this "disgusting" and it left them all "greatly distressed." When the harbor master refused his kiss his ass over his tender sensibilities, he went to the local newspaper to snivel some more. I believe he was quoted as saying, "WAAHHH! My pussy hurts!"

But just so the Brits don't think they have a monopoly on clueless morons, here's one of my favorite letters-to-the-editors from a (surprise!) San Francisco newspaper.


And these people drive and vote! We are doomed.

TEACHING THE THREE R'S...UM, MAKE THAT THE TWO R'S.

Secretary of Education Arne Duncan scientifically explains how much $100 billion amounts to. Either that or he's showing off the size of his willy.

I'm sure we all remember the old gag that kids went to school to learn the "Three R's"; Reading, 'Riting and 'Rithmitic. Well nowadays, in the age of multi-trillion dollar budgets and a Federal Department of Education and endless "reforms", it seems that budget cuts are so severe that Chicago schools have to drop one of the R's; 'Riting.

Illinois will assess only reading and arithmetic now that high school juniors will no longer be tested on their writing skills during standardized exams every spring, according to a published report.

"We're trying to minimize the damage" of the cuts, Schools Superintendent Christopher Koch told the Chicago Tribune for a story published Wednesday. "Writing is one of the most expensive things to assess."

Lack of funds has long been a source of angst amongst Chicago schools. If only there were more far-left politically-connected socialists in the system to fix things up. We do have a great many education experts in Washington these days, all of them just coincidentally from the Chicago political machine, so perhaps they can fix the problem by finding larger shovels to throw even more money at it.

The unneeded renovation of Chicago's Vladimir Lenin Middle School could have cost the jobs of up to three public school administrators.

Take Secretary of Education Arne "the male Sandy"Duncan. As the CEO of Chicago's Public School system, Arne accomplished a great many feats, such as, according to Wikipedia, "building consensus" as well as stumping for all-gay high schools and finding time to get involved in gun control. Arne also heroically attempted to overcome budget shortfalls, with a mere $11,300 spent per school student, by cutting the system down to the bare bones, increasing the number of "administrators" making over $100,000 a year by a mere 140% during his tenure.

Another big wheel in the Chicago School System was none other than Bill "the Bomber" Ayers, a casual stranger in the neighborhood barely known by Barack Obama, a peripheral figure who babysat his kids and ghost wrote his autobiographies and held parties in his home, but whom Barry hardly knew. Anyway, complete stranger Bill Ayers, along with Arne the anti-Swartzenegger and Barack Obama, formed something called the Chicago Annenberg Challenge. Abbreviated CAC, it is pronounced like a cat coughing up a hairball.

Bill Ayers, photo circa 1970. "Writing is not important, as long as they can read the books I wrote, The Audacity of Hope (but I repeat myself) and The Anarchist's Cookbook."

CAC's Five-Year Plan, with a $50 million grant and tens of millions of dollars in matching funds, improved Chicago's public education not with silly old-fashioned ideas such as putting money into actual schools or students, but by basically throwing money at left-wing kook "external partners" and "community organizers" Arne, Bill and Barry liked (or felt they could gain something from later), to include ACORN and the Reverend Jeremiah Wright. According to "Professor" Ayers, the purpose of teachers isn't to do anything so silly as to teach, but to act as community organizers to, "...provoke resistance to American racism and oppression". Alas, CAC failed in its mission to improve Chicago schools, no doubt due to insufficient funding.

This was back when Barack was "working" as a "lawyer" for the firm of, I believe, Boye, Dewey, Cheatum & Howe, his only brief foray into the private sector, which he likened to, "being behind enemy lines." What with Barry's lowly income of a piddling $165 per hour as a lowly associate, and the high price of cigarettes in Chicago coupled with a lack of illegal alien groundskeepers for their $1.5 million home, Michelle Obama overcame her slave blood and went to work as well, acting as assistant vice-figurehead at the University of Chicago and saving money desperately needed for public education by accepting a miserly quarter million dollar a year salary.

Take hope, my fellow Americans. With the whole incestuous array of political cronies having migrated from Chicago to Washington D.C. we will no doubt see marked improvements in the performance of our public school students, except maybe for that pesky writing thing.

As a first step, Barack Obama has heroically shoveled out an extra $100 billion in "stimulus" money to Secretary of Education Arne Duncan since the Department of Education has been just barely scraping by on a paltry annual budget of a mere $71 billion taxpayer dollars.

Yet even that might not be enough. A radical new idea, probably from Ayers, is to substitute a new test on "texting" instead of writing. A sample of this new test, with answers in parenthesis, appears below.

S^ GANGSTA (What is up, Gangster?)

N2MJCHBU (Not too much. How about you?)

GD&R (Grinning, Ducking And Running.)

LMAO MOFO (Laughing my ass off, motherf****r.)

LM4a~##zzzx> (Let’s meet for a joint.)

NFG GTKOLS4$ (No f***ing good. Got to knock over liquor store for money.)

SLAW (Sounds like a winner.)

L8R sk8r GTG (Later, skater. Got to go.)

IOH2 (I am out of here too.)

So you can see American taxpayers, students and parents, with such reforms in the works you are USCWAP (Up Shit Creek Without a Paddle.)

GEITHNER REVEALS NEW OBAMA PLAN TO CREATE JOBS AND FIX THE ECONOMY. YEAH, IT'S ABOUT WHAT YOU'D EXPECT.

He’s baaaacckk. That’s right folks, the only tax cheat intelligent enough to fix the economy, Treasury Secretary Timothy “Eddie Haskel” Geithner, recently scuttled out from under the fridge to address Congress. Drawing upon his vast financial experience of having lived in Zimbabwe, Zambia, Thailand and India (I’m not making that up!) Eddie unveiled the cerebral Obama Regime’s latest far-sighted and brilliant plan to fix the American economy…tax small businesses out of existence so that the government won’t have to make any cuts!!!!

Read the full story HERE.

When Ellmers finally told Geithner that “the point is we need jobs,” he responded that the administration felt it had “no alternative” but to raise taxes on small businesses because otherwise “you have to shrink the overall size of government programs”—including federal education spending.

“We're not doing it because we want to do it, we're doing it because we see no alternative to a balanced approach to reduce our fiscal deficits,” said Geithner.

“We’re calling it the Mugabe Plan, and believe it can do for our national economy what it did for his. Under our plan, the President assures you that the Ghanaian cedi will not replace the American dollar as the world's reserve currency, at least not for six months or so. Plus, if you pass this plan, he promises unemployment will never go above 25%. Act now and get an I.O.U. for a Ginsu knife. Trust us. We know what we're doing."

BenandBawbsblog contacted a more knowledgeable and better qualified financial expert, Tim Panzee, and asked for his opinion on the latest Obama Regime Band-Aid on a Brain Tumor Tax-and-Spend Plan.

Geithner makes BBB's financial consultant Tim Panzee look like Steve Forbes. "What a bunch of moroons, " said Panzee.

His response was short and concise: “'Sapiens' my ass! Jesus Christ! I could come up with a better economy based upon the barter of bananas, clumps of matted hair, and rat droppings. Talk about clueless. What a bunch of morons.”

Here at Das Blog, we are taking the advice of the obviously more financially savvy of the two and dumping our dollars to invest in clumps of matted hair and rat droppings.

NEW OBAMA ACTION FIGURE

Obama SEAL doll marks bin Laden killing

Well, OF COURSE I had to rush right out and buy one of these Obama action figures before Chris Matthews snapped them all up. It was a real bargain too, at only $39,999,999.95, or roughly 23 Chinese Yuan. Let me tell you, technology in kids’ toys has sure come a long way since I had my old GI Joe with the cloth clothing, plastic foot locker and realistic M1 Garand rifle. The new high-tech features and accessories of the Obama SEAL doll are just incredible. Below is just a partial list of them.

Features:

Spring-loaded back enables him to bow to Muslim world leaders with the push of a button.

Super “Media Leg-Tingler” Ray.

Realistic voice module fitted with “Meaningless Platitude Generator”.

“Chameleon Mode” gives him the power to change himself from Muslim to Christian to Kenyan to Indonesian to American to black to white at will, whenever he can get some personal benefit out of it.

“Limp Wrist” action prevents him from bitterly clinging to his assault rifle.

Deer-in-the-Headlights Eyes glow whenever he’s asked to make an actual decision.

Knee-Jerk Reaction Mode instantly lays the blame on Conservatives and talk radio for any tragedy.

Super Backpack Money Gun enables him to heroically spew billions of dollars at any problem, real or imagined.

Document-Freeze Executive Order Ray.

Pants interchangeable with Michelle Obama doll.

Translator Mode allows him to apologize for the United States in all 57 languages.

Accessories include:

Tele-prompter.

Universal Health Care (batteries and funding not included).

Multiple Voter Registration Cards.

Bill Ayers Sidekick doll with spring-arm bomb-throwing action.

50,000 pairs of special media rose-colored glasses.

Coupon for a free taxpayer-funded abortion.

A pack of Marlboros.

WHY POLITICIANS RELY ON AMERICANS HAVING SHORT ATTENTION SPANS

Here’s Nancy Pelosi from a press conference on September 7, 2006:

[E]ven if [Osama bin Laden] is caught tomorrow, it is five years too late. He has done more damage the longer he has been out there. But, in fact, the damage that he has done . . . is done. And even to capture him now I don’t think makes us any safer.

And here’s Nancy Pelosi yesterday:

The death of Osama bin Laden marks the most significant development in our fight against al-Qaida. . . . I salute President Obama, his national security team, Director Panetta, our men and women in the intelligence community and military, and other nations who supported this effort for their leadership in achieving this major accomplishment. . . . [T]he death of Osama bin Laden is historic. . . .

MAKING THE TOUGH CALLS ON FOREIGN POLICY

We now take you behind the scenes in the Whitehouse as President Obama gathers all his top advisers and experts--old, new, and acquitted--to help this "most cerebral" president ever plan out a masterful foreign policy response to the crisis in Egypt.

EMPEROR: Gentlepersons, I have…um… called all of you here in secret as you are my dearest and…ah… most trusted advisors on foreign policy, old and new. I have to come out and give the appearance of some tiny modicum…er…of intelligence and a façade of leadership. We must come up with a plan that gives the impression that we (a) we actually have a plan and (b) we know what the hell we are doing.

HOMER: This is so cool. I always wanted to see the inside of the Bat Cave.

EMPEROR: Please, how many times must I tell you, this is not the Bat Cave or the War Room. You must refer to it as the Love Room.

HOMER: Du’-oh!

EMPEROR: Gentlepersons, we must do something to protect our phoney baloney jobs! Immediately! Immediately! Immediately!

CHORUS OF HARRUMPHS.

EMPEROR: I didn’t get a harrumph outta that guy!

HEADLEY: Give the President harrumph!

EXTRA: Harrumph!

EMPEROR: You watch your ass. Now, can anyone actually show me…uh…Egypt on a map?

NANCY (Scribbling away furiously on a piece of paper with a crayon). Look! I drew a pretty butterfly!

EMPEROR: Ohhhh. That is pretty. Um, Donald, you’ve given me good advice before. What are your thoughts on the…er…matter.

DONALD: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!!

EMPEROR: Well, of course we’re going to blame Bush, the Tea Party, Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. That’s always the first step in dealing with any crisis. I’m afraid this time we must go even further to…um…give the illusion that we’re actually capable of…uh…leadership.”

CHAMBERLAIN: Perhaps if we give Czechoslovakia to the Germans?

EMPEROR: Hunh? Is that one of the fifty seven states?

RAHM: I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burnt to da GROUND!

EMPEROR: Who?

RAHM: Doesn’t matter.

EMPEROR: And you Janet?

JANET: We must create new and more invasive and odious TSA searches!

EMPEROR: Hmmm. Interesting. But…er…how will it actually show we’re responding to the crisis…ah…in Egypt?

JANET: Doesn’t matter. The American sheepulace will clamor to toss away their Civil Rights for the illusion of security, which will come in handy later, and it will show that we took some kind of action.

EMPEROR: That one sounds…um…good. Nancy, will you make a note of that one?

NANCY: (Scribbling) And this is a picture of a duck.

DONALD: QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!!!!

CASS: Nancy! Don’t you realize that is a Hate Crime against our migratory non-people Global co-owners and voters!?!?

NANCY: (Playing with fingers) The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout…

CASS: No! No more! We must stop such hate and vitriol against our non-bipedal earth partners!

CAROLYN: I know! We will introduce a new over-reaching gun control bill which would restrict our subjects to owning only registered Red Ryder BB guns.

HOMER: Hey, you could put an eye out with one of those.

CAROLYN: It’s agreed, then. We’ll take their BB guns too.

CHORUS OF HARRUMPHS

EMPEROR: I forgot you are…uh…Secretary of State. What do you think we should do?

HILLARY: You could admit your hopeless ineptitude, resign immediately and appoint me to be the new Emperor.

EMPEROR: Outrageous! What makes you think you are qualified to replace me as the…um…Consecrated One?

HILLARY: For starters, I’m the only one with testicles and wearing pants in this entire room.

JANET: You Lie! One of my testicles has dropped! Guards! Take her away!

WIGGUMS: (Slapping palm of hand with nightstick): Heh-heh. Come with me, little lady. We know how to instill a little reverence in your kind…Say, this is a really cool Bat Cave.

EMPEROR: Love Room!

HOMER: Du’-oh!

TOTO: (Yapping and pulling at curtain.)

JANET: What could be behind that curtain? We should subject it to an invasive body cavity search, whatever it is!

TOTUS [Teleprompter Of The United States]: It is I, the Great & Powerful TOTUS! If you bumbling simpletons are quite done, I, the Great & Powerful TOTUS, have the solution to this riddle.

NANCY: (Clapping hands.) Ohhh! Me love riddles! Let me guess first.

TOTUS: Moron.

EMPEROR: Oh Great & Powerful TOTUS…uh…speak to us. Command your humble servants. Tell us what we should…er…do.

TOTUS: I, the Great & Powerful TOTUS, will of course use the amazing omnipotence of my latest and most powerful RPG, Random Platitude Generator, to create an absolutely brilliant speech which you must deliver with great oration and fake sincerity on live television.

EMPEROR: Brilliant! Absolute…um…genius! Allah Ahkbar! Why didn’t we think of that?

TOTUS: You don’t want me to go there. Trust me.

EMPEROR: We’re saved!

CHORUS OF HARRUMPHS AND QUACKING.

NANCY: Look! I can make a church and steeple using my fingers!

JANET: Violation of separation of church and state! Blasphemer!

TOTUS: Sigh. This is gonna be harder than I thought.