Saturday, June 25, 2011


He’s baaaacckk. That’s right folks, the only tax cheat intelligent enough to fix the economy, Treasury Secretary Timothy “Eddie Haskel” Geithner, recently scuttled out from under the fridge to address Congress. Drawing upon his vast financial experience of having lived in Zimbabwe, Zambia, Thailand and India (I’m not making that up!) Eddie unveiled the cerebral Obama Regime’s latest far-sighted and brilliant plan to fix the American economy…tax small businesses out of existence so that the government won’t have to make any cuts!!!!

Read the full story HERE.

When Ellmers finally told Geithner that “the point is we need jobs,” he responded that the administration felt it had “no alternative” but to raise taxes on small businesses because otherwise “you have to shrink the overall size of government programs”—including federal education spending.

“We're not doing it because we want to do it, we're doing it because we see no alternative to a balanced approach to reduce our fiscal deficits,” said Geithner.

“We’re calling it the Mugabe Plan, and believe it can do for our national economy what it did for his. Under our plan, the President assures you that the Ghanaian cedi will not replace the American dollar as the world's reserve currency, at least not for six months or so. Plus, if you pass this plan, he promises unemployment will never go above 25%. Act now and get an I.O.U. for a Ginsu knife. Trust us. We know what we're doing."

BenandBawbsblog contacted a more knowledgeable and better qualified financial expert, Tim Panzee, and asked for his opinion on the latest Obama Regime Band-Aid on a Brain Tumor Tax-and-Spend Plan.

Geithner makes BBB's financial consultant Tim Panzee look like Steve Forbes. "What a bunch of moroons, " said Panzee.

His response was short and concise: “'Sapiens' my ass! Jesus Christ! I could come up with a better economy based upon the barter of bananas, clumps of matted hair, and rat droppings. Talk about clueless. What a bunch of morons.”

Here at Das Blog, we are taking the advice of the obviously more financially savvy of the two and dumping our dollars to invest in clumps of matted hair and rat droppings.

Monday, June 13, 2011

CDC Misses The Mark On Zombie Preparedness

If brain-eating zombies attack the headquarters of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention they'd better bring a sack lunch with them.  That's the lesson I took away from reading a recent article on CDC's blog titled Social Media: Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse by Ali S. Khan.

For preparing for a zombie apocalypse Khan recommends that people stock an "emergency kit" with silly things like water, food, medicine, tools & supplies, sanitation & hygiene items, clothing & bedding items, important documents, and first aid supplies.  He then recommends that you come up with an "emergency plan."

Most modern Americans already subscribe to the delightfully simple 3-step emergency plan that consists of: Step One) Get to the roof.  Step Two) Wave at news choppers for help.  Step Three) Die in heaps. 

Khan, however, recommends the needlessly complex plan of:
  1. "Identify the types of emergencies that are possible in your area.  Besides a zombie apocalypse, this may include floods, tornadoes, or earthquakes."
  2. "Pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home…or your town evacuates because of a hurricane."
  3. "Identify your emergency contacts. Make a list of local contacts like the police, fire department, and your local zombie response team."
  4. "Plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time[.]"
As a highly-skilled blogger myself I was quickly able to see through Khan's clever ruse.  Using a literary device known as "bullshitting," Khan was attempting to use a subject that Americans care deeply about (zombies) to get them to learn about something that they don't care at all about (being able to survive longer than 14 seconds in an actual emergency).  However, I have a couple problems with Khan's conclusions.

First, he forgot to mention getting a gun and stockpiling buttloads of ammo.  In every zombie movie I've seen (except for a couple of pussy Brit films) zombie survivors immediately grab guns and start blasting zombies.  It's usually a "target rich" environment, so again, stock up now and carry lots of ammo during a zombie apocalypse.  As the LA. riots, Hurricane Katrina, and other examples show, having a good "looter-shooter" at your disposal ain't a bad idea in non-zombie disasters either.

Second, Khan suggests faith and reliance on the federal government during a zombie apocalypse.  Says Khan: "Not only would [gov't] scientists be working to identify the cause and cure of the zombie outbreak, but CDC and other federal agencies would send medical teams and first responders to help those in affected areas[.]"  Puh-lease!  Something tells me that wouldn't go quite like planned.

Our fucked up federal government would first have to try to borrow money from the zombies in order to fund the zombie apocalypse response.  When Uncle Sam goes before them with his hat in hand he would merely be exposing his delectable brain to the ravenous creatures.

When it comes to advice on surviving a zombie-induced doomsday forget the CDC and go with the real experts.  Here's a list of rules for surviving the zombie apocalypse as compiled by neurotic zombie survivor "Columbus" in the great movie Zombieland.  (Since I didn't write all these down when I watched the movie, I give a hat tip to the nerds who did and posted them at Wikipedia.  An additional tip of my hat to whoever invented the copy and paste functions on my computer.)  The list is incomplete because not all the rules come up in the course of the movie.

Who you gonna believe?
Drowsy CDC bureaucrats or
zombie slayers "Tallahassee" (left)
and "Columbus" (center left)?

2."Double tap"

3."Beware of bathrooms"

4."Wear seatbelts"

6."Cast iron skillet"

7."Travel light"

8."Get a kickass partner"

12."Bounty paper towels"

15."Bowling Ball"

17."Don't be a hero" (Columbus drops the word "don't" in the movie's climactic scene)

18."Limber up"

21."Avoid strip clubs"

22."When in doubt, know your way out"

29."The buddy system"

31."Check the back seat"

32."Enjoy the little things"

33."Swiss army knife"

34."Clean socks"


So if you heed the advice of the real experts (Columbus and Tallahassee) you might be able to not just survive a zombie apocalypse but you may even be able to win the coveted "Zombie Kill of the Week."

Saturday, June 11, 2011


Crackpots such as myself have been generating a lot of complaints and misinformation about natural, raw foods and the government’s crackdowns and raids on producers of same. I’m glad to say I have seen the light and now understand why the government needs to systematically eradicate these dangerous “foods” and the “farmers” who foist them upon an unsuspecting public.

Obama Administration’s Food Safety, Profitability, Monopoly and Enforcement Czar Michael R. Taylor, and let me note here that it is completely irrelevant that he’s a former Monsanto attorney, sent me these helpful tips on how to know which foods are good for you…and which are NOT.

First, however, for those of you namby-pamby health food nuts (nuts…ha-ha; get it?) who whine about that pesky ol’ Constituion and all these “rights” you think it gives you, the FDA has helpfully offered these OFFICIAL LEGAL GUIDELINES on the subject.

"There is no absolute right to consume or feed children any particular food."

"There is no 'deeply rooted' historical tradition of unfettered access to foods of all kinds."

"Plaintiffs' assertion of a 'fundamental right to their own bodily and physical health, which includes what foods they do and do not choose to consume for themselves and their families' is similarly unavailing because plaintiffs do not have a fundamental right to obtain any food they wish."

FDA's brief goes on to state that, "…even if such a right did exist, it would not render FDA's regulations unconstitutional because prohibiting the interstate sale and distribution of unpasteurized milk promotes bodily and physical health."

"There is no fundamental right to freedom of contract."

Next, here is a simple one-question test to see if you are a raw food fanatic who is unable to tell what’s good for you and thus require government guidance in selecting what you should put into your body or if you are a good citizen.

Which of the following foods will make you healthy, happy and obedient?

A. This yummy and nutritious genetically modified bundle of wholesomeness brought to you from the good of Big Ag's heart and the genuine concern for your well-being felt by their own personal politicians. Oh, and it's "for the children" too.

B. Nasty, horrible, stinky and unhealthy "natural" food such as grass-fed American beef with country-of-origin labeling, raw milk, raw honey, grains which can reproduce their own seed naturally, tomatoes without fish genes spliced into them, walnuts and elderberry juice.

If you answered A, you are a good little serf and may wish to consider a career as a drone, hack or bureaucrat with the United States Federal Government, the largest employer in the country.

If you answered B, you are a dangerous crackpot and probably a domestic terrorist. You should report immediately to a government office near you for a free trip to the closest Re-education Camp.

Oh, and I’m also supposed to tell you that the new petroleum-based synthetic straw in the cattle cars is much healthier for you than that dusty, scratchy old oat straw and that these marks on my head are certainly not from electrodes.

Good eating and happy serfdom.

Thursday, June 09, 2011


Genetically altered cows giving human breast milk at an assembly line dairy in China. They claim their product is perfectly safe, but Western Big Ag says there is the possibility of harmful side effects because, "We didn't think of it first. But if you were to put some Roundup in it, it would probably be alright."

You heard me right, boys and girls. Those wacky Reds are messing with food DNA just like the Western giant ag corporations and their pet politicians in order to bring us...God only knows what. This is just so wrong on so many levels.

BEIJING - Chinese scientists have genetically modified dairy cows to produce human breast milk, and hope to be selling it in supermarkets within three years.

My favorite quote from the article: "It's better for you because it's genetically modified."

Not to worry, though, folks. The Nanny State will protect us from any possible harm, just like they did with Chinese drywall.

If you need proof no harm will come from this new Frankenfood, is after those pesky Amish and their deadly raw milk again. This stuff is deadly! It is dangerously all natural, has been used by humans for a few thousand years, and gives people a choice about what they can or cannot put into their own bodies.

Is it just me, or does this all seem completely bass ackwards?

Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Yoder Brothers...has been approved.