Saturday, June 11, 2011


Crackpots such as myself have been generating a lot of complaints and misinformation about natural, raw foods and the government’s crackdowns and raids on producers of same. I’m glad to say I have seen the light and now understand why the government needs to systematically eradicate these dangerous “foods” and the “farmers” who foist them upon an unsuspecting public.

Obama Administration’s Food Safety, Profitability, Monopoly and Enforcement Czar Michael R. Taylor, and let me note here that it is completely irrelevant that he’s a former Monsanto attorney, sent me these helpful tips on how to know which foods are good for you…and which are NOT.

First, however, for those of you namby-pamby health food nuts (nuts…ha-ha; get it?) who whine about that pesky ol’ Constituion and all these “rights” you think it gives you, the FDA has helpfully offered these OFFICIAL LEGAL GUIDELINES on the subject.

"There is no absolute right to consume or feed children any particular food."

"There is no 'deeply rooted' historical tradition of unfettered access to foods of all kinds."

"Plaintiffs' assertion of a 'fundamental right to their own bodily and physical health, which includes what foods they do and do not choose to consume for themselves and their families' is similarly unavailing because plaintiffs do not have a fundamental right to obtain any food they wish."

FDA's brief goes on to state that, "…even if such a right did exist, it would not render FDA's regulations unconstitutional because prohibiting the interstate sale and distribution of unpasteurized milk promotes bodily and physical health."

"There is no fundamental right to freedom of contract."

Next, here is a simple one-question test to see if you are a raw food fanatic who is unable to tell what’s good for you and thus require government guidance in selecting what you should put into your body or if you are a good citizen.

Which of the following foods will make you healthy, happy and obedient?

A. This yummy and nutritious genetically modified bundle of wholesomeness brought to you from the good of Big Ag's heart and the genuine concern for your well-being felt by their own personal politicians. Oh, and it's "for the children" too.

B. Nasty, horrible, stinky and unhealthy "natural" food such as grass-fed American beef with country-of-origin labeling, raw milk, raw honey, grains which can reproduce their own seed naturally, tomatoes without fish genes spliced into them, walnuts and elderberry juice.

If you answered A, you are a good little serf and may wish to consider a career as a drone, hack or bureaucrat with the United States Federal Government, the largest employer in the country.

If you answered B, you are a dangerous crackpot and probably a domestic terrorist. You should report immediately to a government office near you for a free trip to the closest Re-education Camp.

Oh, and I’m also supposed to tell you that the new petroleum-based synthetic straw in the cattle cars is much healthier for you than that dusty, scratchy old oat straw and that these marks on my head are certainly not from electrodes.

Good eating and happy serfdom.


Anonymous said...

How about big ag's efforts to ban producers of dairy products from labeling them as rbgh-free? In some cases, dairies with artificial hormone free products have to put in a disclaimer that the FDA has not found any significant difference in milk from cows treated with artificial hormones. This stuff is not even legal to sell in Europe or Japan, but Monsanto has lobbied to try to prevent US consumers from being able to distinguish regular milk from rbgh milk. The reasoning is that it's too confusing for us consumers. We can't decide for ourselves, but should let the FDA and Monsanto make these decisions for us.

Jerry said...

Bob, is it still legal to find and eat wild onions? Those are yummy.