Saturday, October 22, 2011

Australian 101

In an exchange a while back with Jim (me and Bawb's unofficial liaison to Australia) I joked about our blogs "countless legions of fans Down Under."  But after I thought about it, I realized that we here at Das Blog are not doing nearly enough to make our Aussie friends feel welcome and separate them from their money (or "pesos" as they say).  I therefore set out to change that.  First I figured I must learn as much as I could about Australia.

So, in the name of sociology and international goodwill, I began my study.  After watching the Mad Max trilogy and all 11 seasons of The Paul Hogan Show back-to-back, drinking Foster's at an Outback Steakhouse and spending countless hours of close analysis of an Elle MacPherson swimsuit calender, I dare say that I now know so much about the country that I should rightfully be declared the new king of Australia (or President or chieftain or whatever they have down there).

Australians (Photo of entire population.)
 Since studies have shown that many American graduates can't identify their own country on a map, much less someone else's, I set out to prove my worth by finding Australia on my globe.  (One has to be able to do that sort of thing if one is to be king.)  My efforts were quickly frustrated when I realized that, like most good Americans, I only had a globe of the United States.  So I trekked to the local Walmart, got myself a fancy world globe and my search for Australia began in Earnest (my hometown).

Unfortunately, I must have purchased an out of date world globe because I was unable to find Australia on it.  However, I was able to find Madagascar or Italy or some shit.  I quickly claimed this new found land for myself.  (It is now called Benonia.  Please use a permanent marker to update your own world globes at home.)

In my research I found that one of the main differences between the Australians and the Americans is our language.  For instance the Australians call a fight a "blue" and a sandwich a "sanger."  When you string words and phrases like these together into what we masterful wordsmiths call "sentences," the end result can be quite different in Australian and American.  Consider the following two examples:

Example 1

In American:  "I almost hit an Indian with my truck and the drunk bastard puked on the hood."
In Australian:  "I nearly struck an Aborigine with my ute and the pissed up lil' bugger chundered on the bonnet."

Example 2

In American:  "I had an enjoyable Sunday morning."
In Australian:  "I got pissed up and punched out a 'roo!"

Since our blog is obviously a written medium, it is all about the language.  So I'm announcing that henceforth Australian subtitles will appear in squiggly brackets (these things:{}) for our hemispherically challenged readers.

We hope that this will make the blog more enjoyable for everyone, especially guys in Australia {blokes here}.  Oh, and keep sending us those pesos.  Thanks!  {Walla-walli dinky doo!}


Jim Fryar said...

Bloody Hell Ben, Bawb told me I was the official ambassador. Wait till I see him, I'm as mad as a cut snake about it.

Bawb said...

Ben, you have to turn the globe UPSIDE DOWN!

Plus, if you want to be king, you have to know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.

And, in case Ben's insensitive post offended any of you Down Under, I salute you and close with the National Anthem.

"Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, tan me hide when I'm dead.
So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde and that's it hanging on the shed.

All together now - Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda..."

Ben said...

Sorry Jim, you can be the OFFICIAL ambassador if you'd like, but the pay remains the same.

Bawb, thanks for the tip about turning the globe upside down. Is Australia the big white country at the bottom?

It's hard to tell. On my made-for-Americans world globe they don't show all those confusing country names. Instead certain countries just have crosshairs and the word "uppity" printed on them.