Thursday, January 27, 2022



 Dateline: Washington, D.C.

          Just weeks away from operational testing, the new joint Lockheed-Grumman F-42 X-Wing Multi-role Strike Fighter and Death Star Destroyer project has been cancelled entirely. At the Whitehouse briefing room, President Joe Biden handed out pamphlets, along with brightly colored Crayons, to assembled members of the press.

          The leaflets explained, in language the president is incapable of, that the F-42 project was cancelled so that funding earmarked for the fighter’s development could be diverted to a Federal contract to erect a 1,200-foot statue of, and shrine dedicated to, the late George Floyd in the rubble of downtown Minneapolis.

          A Fox News reporter asked the President if such a move was wise in light of growing tensions over Russian military moves into the Ukraine and Kazakhstan.

          President Biden responded, “Mglarble dub wubby glom blub!”

          Presidential aides alertly removed the Crayons from the President’s mouth and asked the reporter to re-phrase the question, using fewer and smaller words.

          The reporter then inquired, “What…about…Putin?”

          “Putin good!” President Biden answered. “Me like Putin! Tapioca, chocolate, butterscotch. Mmmm. Nummy Putin!”

          As aides quickly pushed the President off stage, the remainder of the media present responded swiftly to the crisis. They immediately engaged Whitehouse Press Secretary Jen Psaki, clad in her favorite pink Russian ushanka hat replete with hammer and sickle, with crucial inquiries for clarification.

          CNN: “Even though the allegations came from an anonymous Internet blogger who said she received the information from a ‘Magic Eightball’ and her physic parakeet, shouldn’t the FBI investigate this latest rumor that in a 2007 trip to Russia Donald Trump poisoned two baby polar bears with Trump-brand Vodka in a Moscow hotel suite?”

          Psaki responded, “A complete and utter lack of evidence and credibility is no reason not to launch and in-depth investigation and try to keep this story in the news for as long as possible.”

           At this point, a drooling President Biden rushed back out onto the stage, shrieking, “And chocolate-vanilla! And tropical-mango! Oh nummy Putin!”

          Shocked and dismayed by this sudden turn of events, several correspondents vowed to do a multi-part story to remind the American public about the possibility of Ronald Reagan having had signs of dementia during his second term as president, and how this may have caused the present unrest in the Ukraine.

          Stayed tuned to your local network news affiliate to be spoon-fed the latest “news”, properly formatted for you to understand by a professional journalistic filter.


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