Sunday, July 12, 2009


Here in Fly-Over country, we have long been on the receiving end of endless mandates and edicts spewed forth by the "elites" on both coasts regarding how to run things out here. These dictates usually come from big city weenies whose feet have never left pavement (let alone stepped in cow shit) in their lives, who think meat is "produced" under plastic in the back of supermarkets, and who have never, ever had the occasion to "pee behind a tree".

For instance, I believe it was a female senator from New Yawk State who proposed Federal budget savings (an admirable goal if you know what the heck you're doing) by firing all the cattle guards in the Western United States. The only problem is that cattle guards are not "guards" per se, but rather a device consisting of steel rails that is implanted in the roadbed. Livestock are not able to cross over these cattle guards. Thus, vehicles can travel roads freely without stopping to open and shut gates at every fenceline.

These edicts, arbitrarily produced with absolutely no input from the regions affected, usually prove to be utterly unrealistic, totally unworkable, and downright asinine. Not that that is, in governmental logic, any reason to rescind any previous fiasco nor to stop spewing forth more.

So, if we're going to have this kind of thing going on, it only goes to reason that we should also take Montana-Idaho-Wyoming rules and make them apply to coastal liberal weenies in their own lairs. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. (Note to the big city agriculture impaired types: a gander is a male goose.)

Here are just a few of the logical, workable provisions we here in Fly-Over Country wish to foist upon the metrosexual weenies "for their own good".

Residents of Connecticut would be required to fence their property if they did not want free-range cattle to graze there, and cattle drives on public highways would have the right-of-way.

Open carry of loaded handguns would be made legal on the streets of Washington D.C., and loaded rifles could be carried in rear window gun racks in taxi cabs.

A five-person road crew would be deemed sufficient to maintain public roads on a 3.3 million acre tract of land in the state of Delaware. Whoops…Delaware doesn’t even have 3.3 million acres in it.

San Diego residents would be allowed to shoot deer with high-powered rifles for a month and a half every fall. In San Francisco, game wardens would legally be allowed to shoot pet owners’ dogs in front of them if they were “harassing wildlife”.

Speed limits outside the actual city limits of New York City would be 70 mph on all public highways, and within city limits all traffic would be required to yield to a tired old footsore, gray-muzzled dog crossing Main Street.

Residents of New Orleans would know the sheriff and at least 25% of his deputies on a first-name basis, the police force would not be corrupt and would consist of “peace officers” instead of “law enforcement officers”, and the highest elected peace officer in the county would tell you that, in case of a home invasion, you should be the “last man standing” to fill out the forms with the police afterwards.

Verbal contracts would still be legally binding in all states.

ATV’s could be licensed to operate on all public roads in the greater Los Angeles area.

Failure to extinguish your campfire in Boston would incur a $300 fine.

Free camping would be allowed for two weeks on public lands outside the city limits of San Jose, and indefinitely on private lands within or without city limits.

Minor civil disputes in Philadelphia could be settled with fists, behind the bar, instead of with lawyers.

There ya go. Try those on for size first and get back to us on how well they work out for you. Then, in the future, we will foist one of our rules upon you every time you foist one upon us. If you don't like it, I'll meet you out behind the bar.


Jim Fryar said...

Thanks for this. I gave you a mention here, and here.

Anonymous said...

This is really good!!!

Bob D.

Bawb said...

Thanks to Jim Fryar; the Southern Hemisphere needs more Libertarians, too. Also, I'm willing to call a cattle guard a cattle grid but I just can't bring myself to refer to a wrench as a spanner;