Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Completely un-retouched photo: Rueters

Here at Das Blog, we try to keep our reader(s) informed with the latest and most accurate information we can. Unlike the mainstream media, we refuse to use less-than-reliable sources such as Ouija boards, mumbling street people, chicken entrails, those “Magic 8 Ball” thingies, George Soros, or Obama Regime press releases.

So, as a service to our readers, we decided to bring you the news before it’s the news. That’s right, Ben and I traveled forward in time ten years into the future. The means by which we did so are quite complex, and I don’t wish to bore you with technical details. Suffice to say it involved banned Russian energy drinks, copious amounts of vodka, a hot tub and cameos by Chevy Chase.

At any rate, we traveled forward in time to find that Barack Obama, with the full support of the media, had installed himself as Dictator-for-Life for as long as it took to “combat the economic crisis caused by the Bush Administration”. We arrived just in time for a speech by Obama, since he was three hours and forty two minutes late, on the occasion of the down-grading of the U.S.’s credit rating…again….to D-. We viewed and recorded the speech he gave at Chicago’s new Mao Tse Tung Memorial Plaza.

THE PRESIDENT: Allah Akbar and good afternoon, everybody. I would like to point out before I begin my speech that the first ten people who stop applauding will be shot. Ha-ha, just kidding, just a little Stalinesque humor for you to lighten the mood. Only the first three people will be shot.

Anyway, last Friday, we learned that the United States received a downgrade by every credit rating agency on the planet-- not so much because they think we have become a failed festering Third World Socialist hellhole, but because, after witnessing the fanatical domestic terrorism of a fringe group calling themselves “citizens” actually saying aloud that we should not be spending so much money, they think we are spending too much money. Their cra-a-a-zzy ideas have forced the credit rating agencies to think we’re all a bunch of kooks. We are not. Only anyone who opposes me and my policies is a kook. A kook like a certain former president I could mention, who left the economy in shambles for me to fix. Just ask Chris Matthews.

The downgrading of our credit by every rating agency on earth, including the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe, from a DD to a D- is indeed troubling since we have been working so hard to correct the mistakes of past administrations. I do not believe I should have to shoulder any of the blame for anything. Ever. It’s somebody else’s fault. Somebody whose name starts with a “B” and ends with an “H”, if you get my drift.

Our economy is still strong and flourishing. That’s why I chose to give this speech in my old hometown of Chicago. As you can see behind me, it is a vibrant and growing community devoid of social injustice and economic problems, due, of course, to my brilliant salvation from unenlightened administrations of the past. Chicago sets a shining example and beacon of hope, proving the age-old dream of a Workers’ Paradise can indeed come true. This is why the rest of the world still looks to us for financial leadership, especially Somalia, Yemen and Mozambique. But we must take yet another step.

I am here to assure you that raising this country’s debt limit to a new level of 865 hillion bazillion dollars, or roughly 23 Chinese Yuan, is no big deal; merely a continuing solution to the problems left us by other administrations. Our good friends the Chinese have assured me they will lend us the money, and still allow myself and my family to reside in the Whitehouse.

Without increasing the debt limit, the green shoots of our recovering economy, as evidenced by only 250,000 new claims for unemployment claims last month when we were predicting 250, 210, cannot continue to flourish. Without raising the debt limit, our strong resurgence and new vitality in beating this quintuple-dip recession, a recession started by someone else I might add, could be hindered.

To make sure this recovery continues, I have formed the President’s Special Super-Secret Chocho-Fudgie Economic Study Committee, to aid the other 83 existing Economic Study Committees in studying the problem of the economy.

In addition, I am, along with my faithful toadies in Congress, proposing what we are calling Stimulus Bill XXIV, none of which is actually written down. This measure will cost a trifling 82 gazillion dollars, and is expected to create up to 27 new part-time seasonal jobs in the gulag security and money-printing fields to further stimulate the economy. My critics claim that just because these stimulus plans did not work the past twenty three times we tried them it won’t work this time. My critics are still making this claim, but no one can hear them now in the gulags.

Yes, our country does have some troubling aspects which have carried over from previous administrations. Whiny right wing fanatics snivel that the people want “jobs” or “food” or “shelter” rather than additional social programs to enhance cultural awareness and community organizing. What do they know? They’re just a bunch of extremist wackos standing in the way of progress, playing political football with the future of our nation for their own greedy ends. They are using a time of crisis as a bargaining chip, as a poker hand, as saber rattling, to foment a false sense of urgency and resentment amongst their brainless followers out in those other 57 states which do not have publicly-funding Interpretive Lenninist Dance Theater. Out there in those states in the middle, the extremists calling themselves “citizens” still cling bitterly to bizarre, antiquidated concepts like “God” and “rights” and the “Constitution”, and are still impeding our progress towards the goal of a Socialist Utopia. Well, screw them. With ACORN now running the Federal Election Commission, I don’t need those hicks; I have things sewn up with the Dead & Fictitious Persons’ vote every time.

Yes, we do face legitimate sources of concern in the future, because of mistakes made in the past. But, as always--and the media will parrot this endlessly for me--there is good news from my administration. Our problems are eminently solvable, but we—and by we I mean the six remaining private companies still operating in the United States—must work harder. We must dig deeper. We must accept an additional 82% tax on income, buying and selling, construction, property, charity, inheritance, food, water, and air. We know you are willing to make these sacrifices for the good of my administration; otherwise Janet Napolitano will arrange for Vito and Vinny to come over for an “audit”.


PRESIDENT: Um…uh…well. Ah…hope. And…um…ah change. Er, Bush’s fault. And…uh…thingies. Um…need a smoke. For the…uh….er…lederhosen. And…uh…racism…er…and the…Allah. With…um…not my fault. Ah...hope…er…change…ah…the future…um…Thank you very much.

At this point, the rioting mobs broke through the concrete barriers, concertina wire and minefields of the so-called Love Curtain, which was funded by reducing the Border Patrol to three part-time guards. The President’s Chinese Communist Forces Honor Guard then opened fire with RPGs and machine guns as the President continued to smile and wave from his bullet-proof dome while his toadies and groupies continued to applaud enthusiastically until crushed beneath the tank treads.

We would have stayed longer to bring you more important future news, but our dwindling supply of vodka and energy drinks forced us to return to the present.

The future doesn’t look good, folks. Next time, if we can find more illicit Russian energy drinks, we’ll probably time travel to the past. And stay there.

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