Tuesday, August 30, 2011


The Obama Family Tree. Notice how the whole thing leans to the left? Can you pick out the real relatives from the fake?

The Mainstream media have, since 2008, been so busy chasing after unsubstantiated Internet rumors of Sarah Palin’s Down’s Syndrome child being her daughter’s love child or misattributing Tina Fey quotes to Palin as genuine news, that they never did really get around to vetting Barack Hussein Obama. In fact, they never even got around to mentioning he’s a smoker. Nothing bad from his past was allowed, no one looked into his friends and associates, or “jobs” and education, and the media all banded valiantly together to show their integrity by deciding that Barack’s immediate family was strictly “off-limits”, while at the same time trying to insinuate one of Palin’s kids may have been porking the family dog.

So, when Obama made statements such as, “My second great-great-great uncle’s nephew’s brother-in-law fought proudly and bravely for the racist bastards that make up America during WWII as a member of the famous Dirty Dozen Airborne Rat Patrol Commandos to beat Monty to Massena and liberate Spain from the Kaiser.”, the press naturally just gobbled it up as the Gospel truth, finding no historical inaccuracies whatsoever in such statements.

It was hard to search through the murk of Barry O’s past, despite numerous autobiographies written by complete stranger Bill Ayers, as all of his records were, like his family, “off-limits”. We’re not talking the birth certificate thing, we’re talking everything; college registration and transcripts, thesis, writings, law reviews, lectures, coloring books given him by professors to keep him occupied in the corner during lectures. In fact, the only written records of Barry having even been to college at all are his poems, available on the Harvard website. While Barry is almost fanatical about hiding this part of his life, it could just be because Barry’s embarrassed since his writing is roughly the equivalent of his speaking when the teleprompter goes down, a series of patronizing, meaningless platitudes strung together with apparently random punctuation. Here are a few examples of his brilliant prose, written while EDITOR of the Harvard Law Review, concerning affirmative action policies.

"Since the merits of the Law Review's selection policy has been the subject of commentary for the last three issues, I'd like to take the time to clarify exactly how our selection process works."

“(Approximately half of this first batch is chosen solely on their performance on the writing competition; the other half are selected on a weighted formula of 70 percent grades and 30 percent writing competition).”

“Once final selections are made, all writing competition material is destroyed. No editors on the Review will ever know whether any given editor was selected on the basis of grades, writing competition, or affirmative action, and no editors who were selected with affirmative action in mind.”

Being the first black President of the Harvard Law Review netted Barry an attractive six-figure book deal from Simon & Schuster. He floundered around for three years, producing meaningless gibberish, until the book company finally pulled the plug on the whole deal. Even a letter he wrote to Penthouse Forum, beginning with, “I never used to think that these here stories was true until…”, was rejected. A year later, the miraculous Barry O personally wrote Dreams of My Father, which Time Magazine referred to as "the best-written memoir ever produced by an American politician."

After the ‘08 elections, Barry O immediately began living up to his promises to have the “most transparent administration ever” by signing an Executive Order before the Whitehouse door was fully closed, completely sealing all of his own records, another little something the joyous press overlooked.

Confused, hidden, unreleased records and writings make research of the Barry Clan’s murky past bad enough. This was further muddled by the fact that his mother was a hippie slut who spread her legs for any non-American man she could find, especially men who had numerous other wives and children. This leaves researchers with a Herculean task to sift through the chaff and find out what really happened within the tangled branches of the Obongo family tree which, apparently, is shaped more like a wreath.

Leftist worshipers of The One have gone through some amazing genealogical contortions to link Dear Leader’s ancestry to famous and influential Americans.

“Obama is also distantly related to U.S. Presidents James Madison, Lyndon Johnson, Gerald Ford and U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, U.S. Civil War General Robert E. Lee, and actor Brad Pitt.” “Elvis Presley is Obama's 21st cousin 3 times removed.” “The President and [Wild Bill] Hickok are sixth cousins, six-times removed.”

The media also gleefully gushed over Obama’s Irish ancestry, a great, great, great, great grandfather having come from Moneygall. Some of his actual relatives and other Irishmen were not so thrilled, reactions ranging from traditional Irish sayings to throwing pints of Guinness at him.

“May your offspring promise much and deliver little.”

“I really don’t like to claim a relationship to Obama,”

“Do not take the thatch from your own roof to buy slates for another man’s house.”

“Don’t be breaking your shin on a stool that’s not in your way.”

“I don’t appreciate what he’s done by any means.”

“He is not my favorite president. I don’t have anything against him personally, but I don’t think we have the same agenda.”

“May the devil make a ladder of your backbone.”

“B’gosh and Begorrah but I’d like to thump his head with mah shillelagh.”

Here at Das Blog Research Center, Bait Shop & Hunting Lodge, we decided to go beyond the happy-happy, joy-joy mutual love fest between the mainstream media and the Obama Regime and delve a bit deeper to find other ancestral links to the Anointed One. Just reporting the stories the American media can’t or won’t report themselves.

For instance, Barry’s ex brother-in-law’s cousin Ernie Ng came from Malaya as part of a large family of Chinese descent. Ernie has been rumored to be one of four illegitimate children sired by Communist Terrorist Chin Peng, who instigated the Malaya Emergency as commander of an ever-changing Commie amoeba-like organization known at various times…when they hoped a name change would give them a better image…as the MCP (Malayan Communist Party) MRLA (Malayan Races Liberation Army), MPLA (Malayan People’s Liberation Army), and the DNC. When his insurgency failed he slunk off to Thailand and then to Beijing, where he met our old pal Mao Zedong. In third autobiography, The Audacity of My Father’s Hope, Barack waxed eloquent about how he listened with rapt attention to Ernie’s stories of visiting Mao with his father. “I knew right then,” wrote Bill Ayers. “That someday I wanted to have little children singing songs of worship to me, just like Uncle Mao.”

"I wanted to have little children singing songs of worship to me, just like Uncle Mao."

Barack’s paternal grandfather, Hussein Onyango Obama, may have also run afoul of the British in the insurgency field. Onyango was the fifth son of his mother, Nyaoke, who was the first of the five wives of his father, Obama. British colonial authorities in Kenya apparently tried him for sedition and he spent six months in prison where he was reportedly tortured for information. This shameful mistreatment led Barry to say he was going to close down Guantanamo Bay as his first act as president, eventually, when he gets around to it. According to his third wife, Sarah, Grandpa Obama was a man of deep faith, originally converting to Catholicism, then Buddhism, then Taoism, then Episcopalian and Mormon before finally taking the name Hussein when he later converted to Islam; she said he passed the name (but of course not the religion, she insisted) on to his children. This led Obama to philosophize, “You know, my faith is one that admits some doubt.”

During an interview in 2009, Barack was asked if these things had negatively affected his view of the British, to which he replied, “I love the Brits and I think I have shown that affection every time I’ve gone over the visit the dirty limey bastards and their old beee-otch of a queen. Hell, I even gave ‘em back that statue of that fat old white dude, What’s-his-face, Winston something-or-other.” He added, “The notion that I would somehow judge countries based on what happened 100 years ago would not make much sense. I only judge my own country that way.””

Another Obama bumping heads with British authorities was stepbrother Samson, or George, or “John Smith” as his fake ID said, or maybe they’re different people. Whatever. Anyway, flying from Nairobi to the United States for big brother’s inauguration, British Customs refused him a visa on the flimsy grounds that he presented them with fake documents and because he had been arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting a 13-year-old girl the last time he had visited Great Britain. Half-brother George, or Samson, or whoever the hell he is…the media makes sure that isn’t clear…was also arrested on drug charges in Kenya. Brother Barry was shocked to find out that drug use and possession was illegal, since he himself had been a proud member of the “Choom Gang” in high school, when he couldn’t get any blow and had to resort back to marijuana.

The Obama boys sharing a brotherly joint.

Ancestry was also traced to Italian fascist dictator Benito Mussolini. In his Changing Hope for my Audacious Father, Barack recalled the treasured gift handed down through the family from “Uncle Ben”, a partially finished hand-written manuscript by Il Duce entitled, How to be a Mediocre-at-Best Dictator, Destroy Your Country’s Economy, and Make It the Laughing Stock of the World. “I cherish that gift,” Barry said in a 2010 interview. “I keep it by my bedside, along with the Koran, to guide me in leading our nation.”

Al Jazeera, or Muslim MSNBC as they are called in parts of the Mideast, celebrated when Libyan crackpot Muammar Gaddafi endorsed Barack Obama’s candidacy in 2008, calling him a Muslim wolf in sheep’s clothing just suckering in those dumb Americans long enough to get elected. The “most cerebral president” in history sagely pronounced his vast knowledge and wisdom in regards to the volatile region in a 2010 interview. "The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries." After this amicable beginning, only a few short years later Barack Obama began sending high-tech US military weapons to Muslim fanatics including Al Queada to help overthrow Gaddafi’s regime. Why the change of heart? It turns out that Gaddafi was actually Barry’s 9th cousin sixteen times removed and had announced, since proof of citizenship is no longer an issue for candidates, that he was going to run against Barry in the 2012 Democrat Party presidential primary.

More recently suppressed in the news, Barry’s long lost Uncle Omar, Onyango Obama, was involved in an incident in Massachusetts. Driving with a blood alcohol content found to be four times the legal limit, he drove his Mitsubishi SUV through a stop sign, over a nun and two boy scouts, and then T-boned a police car. When arrested, Onyango criticized the police officers for having their car parked where it blocked access to the sidewalk he wished to drive upon, insisted he was not in violation of any laws as he had attended the Ted Kennedy School of Driving, and, for his one phone call, rang the Whitehouse. While he was muttering incoherently in the drunk tank, police found out that he was an illegal alien with an outstanding deportation warrant from Customs & Immigration.

The President said, “Don’t worry. I got dear Aunt Zetuni out of her deportation as an illegal alien, and she’s still living on Welfare at the expense of the US taxpayer. In fact, I’ve just given amnesty to pretty much all illegal aliens who can’t be proven conclusively to be a child rapist. Just remember to vote for me in 2012, or your ass will be back in a mud hut in Kenya with my brother so fast your head will spin. Yeah, Harvard had Dear Old Dad deported, but nobody’s gonna get anything like that done now that I’m El Jefe.”

In his brilliant memoir Drunken Hallucinations of my Father, Barack told of the racism and oppression and bigotry that ruined Dear Old Dad. Pop came to Hawaii for a free ride education, of course on an American-sponsored scholarship, where he just happened to forget all about his baby son and wife Kezia, who was pregnant, back in Kenya. Still legally married, he found a dumb, gullible young American student, getting her knocked up and marrying her, I’m not sure in which order. Two years later, it was off to Harvard, once again leaving behind a wife and child, and having an affair with a Kenyan exchange student; Daddy Obammy was apparently quite a man-slut and chased skirts in considerable numbers at both universities. A memo from a University of Hawaii foreign student adviser said that Obama senior had “been running around with several girls since he first arrived here and last summer she cautioned him about his playboy ways. Subject replied that he would ‘try’ to stay away from the girls.” Harvard considered him “a slippery character” and “couldn't seem to figure out how many wives he had”. Daddy Obammy was forced to go back to Kenya, where he landed a civil servant job, had a couple more kids with Kezia on the sly, and married his third wife, an American teacher named Ruth whom he’d met at Harvard, to crank out a couple of more kids, in between getting drunk and beating her. After one beating too many, Ruth sued for divorce. Somewhere in there, amongst many other drunk driving binges, he crashed his auto and lost both legs. This, however, could not keep him from womanizing and he managed to father yet another child by yet another woman. He was going to marry her too, but died in another drunk driving accident before he could tie the knot.

All this inspiration led to Barack Hussein Obama proclaiming, through the pen of Bill Ayers, “I never emulate white men and brown men whose fates didn’t speak to my own. It was into my father’s image, the black man, son of Africa, that I’d packed all the attributes I sought in myself.”

There’s another apt quote…I can’t quite recall if it came from Barack Obama or Homer Simpson…”Remember, as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.”

Looking back, I see clearly now what a tragedy the Obama Presidency has become for satirists. Even I can’t tell which of the above stories and quotes are bullshit and which are true. I'll bet you can't either.


Anonymous said...

I thought he was Oprah's and Hillary's love child.

Don't ask.

Jim Fryar said...

Do I assume from this, that the story that Alfred E. Neuman is his uncles 32nd cousin is merely speculation?

Bawb said...

Jim, look at this photo of Chin Peng and tell me there's no Alfred E. Neuman connection.


Jim Fryar said...

Agreed Bawb, He has to be at least a brother.