Once more going boldly where no man has gone before, our blog secret operatives have gone deep behind enemy lines to infiltrate both the Obama and McCain campaign headquarters. There, they managed to secure and smuggle out these new campaign commercials, still in development. Let’s take an inside look at what really makes these candidates tick.
OBAMA CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL, TAKE ONE: “I’m Barack Obama and I am a breath of fresh air. Just listen to all the stimulating and visionary new ideas that no one else has ever thought of that I have pioneered. (Consults pandering checklist) Environment…blah blah blah…tax the rich…blah blah…big oil…blah blah…more hand-outs…blah blah blah…socialized medicine…blah…change…blah blah blah…more taxes…blah blah.”
McCAIN CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL, TAKE ONE: “Commercial? The hell you talking about? I am OWED the Presidency! You hear me?!? OWED! I am the anointed one and I will tolerate no dissention in the ranks. I am KING, do you hear me, KING?!?! Vote for me now! Right now!”
OBAMA CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL, TAKE TWO: TYPICAL AMERICAN COLLEGE STUDENT “Um, like, I support Barack Obama, um, because he’s, like, for change and, um, like, change is, like, not the same as what we, um, like, have now, like, you know. And, like, um, change is different, um, and, like, different is good because, um, like, I heard that on TV once. So I’m, um, voting for Barack Obama, um, like, for the difference of change.”
McCAIN CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL, TAKE THREE: “Hey, listen up. Conservatism is what we Globalist neo-cons say it is. Conservatism means reaching across the aisle to Congressional Democrats to pass bloated socialist big-government programs. Conservatism means not having to worry about almost 10 Trillion bucks in national debt; we’ll print more. Conservatism means squashing civil rights to keep us “safe” from terrorists. Conservatism means martinis and amnesty bills with Teddy Kennedy. Conservatism means getting bogged down for eternity in endless insurgencies the Mid-East.”
OBAMA CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL, TAKE THREE: ANNOUNCER DRESSED AS CLOWN AND HOLDING BALLOONS "Obama good. Obama friend. Obama give you num-nums. Num-nums good. Mmmmmm. Vote Obama.”
McCAIN CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL, TAKE TWO: “Oh alright. I stand for all things conservative (smrrrk, guffaw). I am solidly pro-life, or pro-choice, whichever brings me the most votes (snicker). I’ll protect your gun rights (snork, titter) just like George Bush did. Unless you vote for me, we’ll wind up with a socialist police state (choke, HAR, chortle). I’ll keep America safe by securing the bord…HAHAHAHAHA, HOHOHOHO, HAR HAR HEHE! Stop! Stop the tape! BWAHAHAHA! Cut!”
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RON PAUL CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL, TAKE ONE:
RON PAUL: "Hi, I'm Congressman Ron Paul. The Constitution clearly states-"
VOICE ON BULLHORN OUTSIDE:"Alright Ron! This is the Federal Election Commission, we have the studio surrounded! This is a subversive activity in violation of the McCain-Clinton campaign law. Throw down your microphones and come out.
RON PAUL: "But we were just..."
BULLHORN: "They're resisting! Attention- this is NOT an assault!"
NOISES OUTSIDE: Rumble of tanks, clatter of jackboots on concrete, automatic weapons fire, screams.
FADE TO STATIC.
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