Tuesday, September 16, 2008


ANNOUNCER: We now interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you this important message from ABS network President Eileen Left.

ABS PRESIDENT: Here at ABS News, “all BS, all the time”, we have received complaints from nearly a quarter of our remaining 324 viewers. It seems some people are claiming that our interviewing and reporting style is too critical of Sarah Palin and too softball concerning Senator Barack Obama. Here at ABS News, we strive to remain non-political, equal and balanced. We fairly ask both candidates the same kind of probing and insightful questions, because you, our viewer(s) need to be fully informed on the issues. In order to show our apolitical and completely unbiased reporting style, we have compiled a list of questions recently asked of each candidate. We know you will see then that all charges of bias are false.

OBAMA QUESTION #1: Senator Obama, if you were a fluffy bunny, would you be utterly adorable or merely very cute?

PALIN QUESTION #1: Ms Palin, is there any truth to the persistent reports, which have been widely circulated, that you kick puppies?

OBAMA QUESTION #2: Oh wise Senator Obama, would you care to read aloud this list we compiled, “The Top 10 Reasons the Bush Administration Sucks”?

PALIN QUESTION #2: Palin, why do you support the pathetic and failed policies of the worthless Bush Administration?

OBAMA QUESTION #3: Oh wise and experienced Lord Obama, isn’t it true that Community Organizer is the most important contribution to mankind since fire and the wheel?

PALIN QUESTION #3: Sarah, as inexperienced mayor of a town with a population of a mere lousy 9,000 people, is it true that you and the thugs of your administration burned books from the Wasilla library, and, if not, can you prove it?

OBAMA QUESTION #4: All-knowing, all-seeing Lord Obama, an international policy question. Do you think your administration, when it brings peace and harmony to all the nations and peoples of the globe, would require mere days or a couple of weeks to achieve this amity?

PALIN QUESTION #4: How about foreign policy, wench? What would you do if, simultaneously, Iran launched a nuclear attack on Israel, while North Korea and Red China physically invaded South Korea and Taiwan, India and Pakistan declared war, Putin’s forces attacked the East and West coasts of the United State simultaneously, and Al Queda detonated nuclear devices in 23 major American cities in unison while you were in the shower? Hunh? What would you do “Sarah Barracuda”? Hunh? You have four seconds to answer. Time’s up!

OBAMA QUESTION #5: Brilliant statesmen and most merciful genius Lord Obama, if I grovel on the floor, will I be allowed to kiss your Holy feet?

PALIN QUESTION #5: Hey, how come you are such a (expletive deleted)?

OBAMA QUESTION #6: Omnipotent, sage and benevolent Redeemer Lord Obama, savior of the nation, may your humble servant be allowed to ask you why Palin is such a (expletive deleted)?

PALIN QUESTION #6: (Expletive deleted), how dare you think you are fit to breathe the same air, let alone run in the same campaign, as our omnipotent, sage and benevolent Redeemer Lord Obama?

OBAMA QUESTION #7: Oh noble, magnanimous, sumptuous Savior, Redeemer and Messiah High Lord Obama, seated at the right hand of the Father, I worship you, I am not worthy to be spat upon by your Holy lips, I love you and pay homage to your Heavenly visage.

PALIN QUESTION #7. (Expletive deleted). You despicable toothless(expletive deleted) in-bred gun-toting NASCAR-watching (expletive deleted) racist sexist scum-sucking (expletive deleted) Nazi hillbilly hate-monger! (Expletive deleted) You suck! I hate you! I spit upon you! PTOOIE!

ABS PRESIDENT: We hope that this simple demonstration of parity and impartiality puts to rest any misconceptions some prejudiced members of the public might falsely have had of any bias whatsoever on the part of ABS News. If you do not agree, you are a despicable toothless (expletive deleted) in-bred gun-toting NASCAR-watching (expletive deleted) racist sexist scum-sucking (expletive deleted) Nazi hillbilly hate monger! (Expletive deleted) You suck! I hate you! I spit upon you. PTOOIE!

ANNOUNCER: We now take you back to our regularly scheduled programming.


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Ben said...

Ha Ha Ha!

Anonymous said...

This story is very unrealistic--Sarah Palin does not talk to the media unless they are ready to be properly respectful and deferential.