Wednesday, December 16, 2009



OPENING SCENE: Sweet, innocent young child-like MUSLIM MARINE plays with fluffy bunnies and bluebirds in the park. Shadow falls over him. He turns. Screams. Fade to black.

SCENE: NCIS HEADQUARTERS: Enter handsome Black Muslim officer immaculately turned out in Dress Blues with a chestful of fruit salad, waving Old Glory.

MUSLIM OFFICER: Since we recently had a whacked-out Muslim Army officer go on a terrorist shooting spree at Fort Hood, we must educate the washed masses that Muslims are happy-go-lucky patriotic good guys and Christians are all evil bigots. Luckily, we just happened to have a crime committed against Islam. Agent GIBBS, we must investigate a heinous terrorist act at Quantico; someone gave a MUSLIM MARINE a wedgie.

GIBBS: I'll put my team on it. We'll find out who gave the wedgie. We don't stand for that.

ZIVA: We all know that Islam is the Religion of Peace.

McGEE: You're not a real Israeli, are you?

MUSLIM OFFICER: I'll leave you to it. Time for me to get out my prayer rug, face Mecca, and pray to Allah for the downfall of America the Great Satan.

DIRECTOR: Just so long as you don't mention Jesus in a public building.

ABBY: By analyzing the victim's torn-off underwear label, I have a lead. Lance Corporal REDNECK MARINE.

TONY: Ah, it says here he's the son of a preacher man. Hmmm, looks like we'll have to go to some pathetic rube-filled town in Fly-Over Country with a population of less than 100,000.

GIBBS: I probably can't even get a good gourmet coffee there.

ZIVA: EEEEEeeewww. Or decent organically-grown arugula.

McGEE & TONY: Start doing verbal Dueling Banjos shtick and shouting, "Squeeaaal like a pig, boy."

SCENE: SMALL TOWN BAR: Deer heads and old guns hang on every wall. Smoke to the ceiling. Sawdust on the floor. Dueling banjos plays on the ancient Wurlitzer jukebox. Confederate and Nazis flags hang over bar. Sullen-looking slack-jawed tobacco-chewing men lacking several key teeth and wearing bib overalls with only one strap glare at TONY and ZIVA as they enter.

TONY, SMIRKING: Welcome to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Looks like these guys didn't get the word about evolution. Must believe in intelligent design. Put the whole clientele together and you might have one complete set of teeth, ha-ha.

ZIVA: I'll bet they hate Jews, too. Look. There's REDNECK MARINE.

TONY: NCIS. We need to ask you some questions. Like...You wanna squeal like a pig, boy? You wanna go over to Mr. Drysdale's place to see the cement pond? You know where I can get a bucket of 'possum grits? Did you marry your first cousin or only your second?

REDNECK MARINE tries to punch TONY in the nose. TONY and ZIVA kick the living crap out of about 20 rednecks, destroy the bar, and haul REDNECK MARINE away in cuffs.


GIBBS: I'm going to give you just one chance to fess up, Marine. Confess to giving MUSLIM MARINE a wedgie or I'll have you up on charges of being a white male Christian heterosexual who believes in the Constitution.

REDNECK MARINE: That ain't in the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice).

GIBBS: So what? We're Federal agents. We violate any rule or law we please, especially the Constitution, every episode. As long as we get the "bad guy" in the end, even with the most egregious of violations, it's OK. Now tell us, what do you have against Muslims serving in the Corps?

REDNECK MARINE: Gee, let's see. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 kidnapped and massacred Israeli competitors at the Munich Olympics, took over the U.S. embassy in Iran and three Marines died in the rescue attempt, they killed 220 Marines by blowing up their barracks in Beruit, hijacked a cruise ship and killed a 70-year-old Jewish man in a wheelchair, hijacked TWA Flight 847 and killed a Navy diver, bombed Pan Am Flight 103 killing hundreds, attempted to blow up the World Trade Center the first time, bombed U.S. embassies in Africa, killing 223 people including U.S. Marine guards, attacked the anchored USS Cole and killed 17 U.S. Navy sailors, crashed airliners into the Twin Towers and killed thousands, kidnapped and beheaded a journalist, killed nearly a thousand Marines in Iraq and Afghanistan, bombed...

MUSLIM OFFICER storms into the room: We have him now! Political Incorrectness and blaspheming the Prophet! I'm issuing a fatwah against you! Your severed head will dangle from the post flag pole by sunset!

McGEE: Whew. I'm glad we stopped REDNECK MARINE'S ignorant rural Christian-based intolerance and bigotry.

MUSLIM OFFICER: Shut-up, Yankee pig-dog. The Irish will be next; Orange and Green. (Checks watch) Whoops, time to go hit the ol' prayer rug, infidels.

DIRECTOR: It is good that we are allowed to freely practice our religions here in the United States of America!


ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned! Coming up next the buff hunks of NCIS Los Angeles infiltrate and destroy an evil syndicate of bearded gun-totin' male WASP militia fanatics who have formed a bogus border patrol organization for the sinister purpose of giving wedgies to undocumented workers crossing the border.

And at ten o'clock, Katie Couric will bring us an in-depth investigation concerning the Fox News Channel's obvious bias and propaganda.

1 comment:

Jim Fryar said...

That episode hasn't been shown here yet but I have noticed the way they are leading up to it.

Damn it all Bawb, you spoiled the surprise.