Monday, October 19, 2009


Well, it’s been awhile since I beat up on the moron RNC neo-cons, aka “Socialist Party B” on your ballot. A friend of mine recently pointed out that the GOP is definitely not the party of “small government” anymore (not that they’ve even faked it since Reagan). The Republicrats want a huge, bloated, rich, powerful, omnipotent Federal government every bit as much as the Democrats do; they just want to be in charge of it themselves. With widespread dissatisfaction growing against the Democrats and their disastrous fiscal policies, the GOP smells what they call a sweeping comeback in 2010. We’d like to find out how they plan to make that “comeback” happen.

So, in an exclusive interview, Benandbawbsblog talks to Republican National Committee Chief Assistant Flunky Vichy Milquetoast.

BBB: Welcome, Mr. Milquetoast.

VM: (Yawning). Come, come peasant. Let’s get this over with. I am a busy and important man.

BBB: OK, we’ll jump right in. We noticed that in the upcoming Missbraskasaw 2010 mid-term Congressional race, the RNC has thrown its full weight and influence behind the nomination of Judas Kolectiv over staunch conservative former governor Em Tegritty. This has caused quite a stir amongst the conservative base in Missbraskasaw.

VM: Kolectiv is a staunch conservative. The RNC says so. Who are you proletariat scum to question us?

BBB: Well, it’s hard to miss the fact that Kolectiv’s voting record and public stances supported the Stimulus Plan, the Patriot Act, abortion, massive tax increases, massive spending increases, nationalization of several key industries, the Baucus Healthcare “reform” bill, government-run pre-schools, Cap-and-Tax, the Kyoto Protocol, amnesty for illegals…

VM: (Sniffing) The NRA gave him a C-Minus. Now that’s conservative! Peon.

BBB: The GOA gave him an F-Minus. The Missbraskasaw Conservative Coalition rated him “present” on a scale of one to ten. Citizens Against Government Waste voted him “Swine of the Year”. The…

VM: (Slamming fist on table) Silence! He has an [R] behind his name on the ballot. That is enough. (Leaning back) You clodhoppers really must learn to listen to your betters. We are of the Ruling Class. We know the path to success.

BBB: Would that be the same brilliant path you took in the 2008 campaign?

VM: Of course. Simpleton.

BBB: Um, in case you hadn’t noticed, that didn’t work out so well. Huge sections of your base just stayed home on election night. Rush Limbaugh stayed home, for Pete’s sake. Many, many supposedly Republican supporters found the choices you gave them too repulsive to contemplate. You guys got your asses handed to you.

VM: (Huffing again) Dolt! Our plan was brilliant. But that hillbilly scum Palin pulled us down. This time, we’ll run a true representative of pure Republicanism, someone like Arlen Specter, for Veep, and move the entire party even further left. We have our sage course to the future flawlessly charted out in our Grand Master Plan. I wouldn’t expect you bumpkins in the washed masses to understand Grand Strategy.

BBB: Sounds like you’re alienating your base even further. The Tea Party and Townhall patriots hate your guts every bit as much as they do Dems. The few remaining Republicans among them have already pulled the plug on donations and they plan to either stay home or leave the party outright in droves, seeking some party, any party, that will offer them a candidate with even an ounce of integrity. How can that be a winning strategy?

VM: (Scoffs) Everyone knows a Third Party has no chance to win. Only someone with an [R] behind his name can possibly win. Even you hayseeds want to vote for a winner.

BBB: So, by that reasoning, if the Democrats ran Joseph Stalin, the Republicans ran Adolph Hitler, and the Constitution Party ran Thomas Jefferson, we should vote for Adolph because he “can win”.

VM: Yes, that’s about it. We don’t expect you imbeciles to understand. It’s above you. Just do as you’re told and keep your mouths shut; we don’t want your input. Now, I really must dispense with this “grassroots” interview silliness. I am due to give a speech before the SEIU; they are paying me $50,000 to speak. (Huffs) You small-town buffoons expect me to grant interviews for nothing.

BBB: Oh, we’ve got a little something for you to take home with you.

VM: Well, it’s about time. Say, why are you tearing open that feather pillow? Why do I smell boiling tar?

BBB: Hang on. You’ll know in just a minute.

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