Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Pork Death-Flu Update*

As the H1N1 "swine flu" epidemic spreads, the federal government is ramping up its efforts to battle the effects of the illness.

As we previously reported, Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack recently asked reporters to stop calling it "swine flu" because this was causing financial hardship for the folks that are "makin' the bacon:" the American farmer, who, despite (or because of) 70 plus years of government "assistance," are now (as always) on the verge of bankruptcy. As a dutiful member of the press, I will heed the commands of the Obama administration underling and will now refer to the terrifying illness as "Pork Death-Flu."

In an effort to "pork" the taxpayer, Vilsack also recently announced that the USDA would use an additional $30 million of "stimulus" money to buy unwanted pork products to help out hog producers. This is on top of the previous $151 million of "stimulus" funds that the USDA already spent buying up unneeded piggy parts this year.

The U.S. Surgeon General (C. Everett Koop or the masturbation lady or whoever it is now) has also recently joined in the fight against Pork Death-Flu. The Surgeon General's office recently issued a press release urging pork producers to wear proper protection when making sweet, sweet love to their swine.

There may be relief in sight against the dread illness however. U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius recently held a press conference about the federal government's newest vaccine against Pork Death-Flu.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is calling the new vaccine "Formula 999." Unlike traditional vaccines which are usually given via injection, "999" is slowly released from a small sub-dermal (just beneath the skin) implant, allowing one implant to protect the user year after year. The implant will be implanted in the back of the recipient's hand.

Sebelius warns that citizens who refuse the new implants will be ineligible for government benefits and children not inoculated this way will be unable to register for school, in an effort to stop the spread of the illness.

At the conference, Sebelius showed off her own newly installed implant. In order to allow authorities to visually verify a citizen's compliance, the implant's formula number is visible through the skin on the back of the hand, although, from this reporter's vantage point, the 9's looked more like 6's.

So rest easy America. Your government is on the case against Pork Death-Flu. Oink, and out!


Miss Piggy said...

Why are you so anti-pig? Do you have bad memories of Charlotte's Web? Moi thinks maybe you should consider moving to Egypt where they tried to protect themselves from swine flu by killing all the pigs.

Ben said...

Miss Piggy, to paraphrase the creator of the "Dilbert" comic strip: I'm not anti-pig, I'm anti-idiot. I eat succulent swine-flesh all the time. If I could get my wife and doctor on board, I'd eat bacon at every meal.

Bawb said...

Not enough coffee. Too tired to come up with obnoxious swine sexual innuendo. Insert your own banjo and "Squeal like a pig, boy!" joke here.